CT Rewriting the OT to suit the Prequels (humor)

Luke: You couldn't bring yourself to destroy me before, and I don't believe you'll do so now.
Vader: You underestimate the power of the dark side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny, even if you do have the high ground. I learned my lesson the last time. *flings lightsaber at Luke*

 

Vader: I sense something...a presence I haven't felt since... Mustafar...
Officer: Mustafar? Are you forgetting something? *wink* *wink*
Vader: Oh right, a presence I haven't felt since the Obi-Wan standalone movie.

 

On the Falcon, Luke finally deflects a laser bolt while wearing the visor.

Ben: "You see you can do it. Now it's time for one of the most important lessons of all. Spinning!"
Luke: "Spinning?"
Ben: "Of course Luke. During combat you'll want to spin your lightsaber continuously to put your opponent off balance".
Luke: "Oh. Is that...really necessary? [Looks at Han sheepishly]. Sounds kind of silly".
Ben: "Luke trust me. Spinning is a vital part of swordplay. Now just walk around spinning your saber in circles. Go on."
Luke: "Well...maybe I can do it later, in private. [Looks at Han]"
Ben: "Now Luke."
[Luke reluctantly walks around in circles spinning his saber.]
Han:

Chewie:

 

By the end of the flight:

 

That's really good! I was having trouble coming up with a new one. After the Yoda saying that Luke should "sacrifice" his friends and that he's been a pain in his "arse," I was like, "Darn." How to top that... Well, here we go.

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Leia: "But why must you confront him?"
Luke: "There is good in him. I've felt it. The Emperor hasn't driven it from him fully."
Leia: "You sure about that? I sense he was dreadful to our mom. Plus, he killed children at least twice. He was murderous whenever Ben and that, um, Tano chick weren't around. He seemed to enjoy violence too much. I heard he was the Jedi version of Christian Grey."
Luke: "You're right, my sister. He was a deadbeat. I'll turn his switch off and make him apologize."
Leia: "We would have been so happy with Senator Amidala. And you wouldn't have aged prematurely due to your twin suns!"
Luke: "Right! I hate sand! This is all Father Vader's fault. He held us back!"

 

"Anakin, I knew it would come to this.The Jedi are taking over!"

 

Motti: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerers' ways Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you...
Vader: Okay now this. This is what I've been talking about! What's with all the lip I've been getting lately? Do you guys not realise that I'm a Sith Lord? That I'm second only to Palpatine in the pecking order? "Rule of Two" you idiots, look it up!!
Tarkin: Vader, enough. This bickering is pointless.
Vader: Step off Cheekbones. You're just another Imperial stooge. Oooh "Regional Governor". Another way of saying bureaucrat. "Sith Lord" dude. You know what that means? It means this! [chokes Motti]. Yeah! You're not so chatty all of a sudden. What's that Motti? Something about sad devotion? You'll have to speak up pal, I can't hear you.
Vader: What are you doing?
Tarkin: Calling the Emperor.
Vader: Hey come on, we were just kidding around. See look, I've let Motti go. He'll be fine. I didn't mean the cheekbones thing.
Tarkin: This is your last chance Vader! I mean it this time.
Vader: Okay.
Tarkin: What is it now??
Vader: Can you at least call me 'Lord Vader'?

 

YES!

 

^ "We didn't do nothing to your old droid, Boba Fett or one of your goons probably blasted Threepio..."

 

Yoda: do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor...or should I call him Darth Sidious?

 

Palpatine: A Jedi's weapon. Much like your father's, and mine which I usually hide up my sleeve in case some Jedi Masters drop by for a coup.

 

or if you count TCW and Rebels:

Palpatine: Ahh yes, a common weapon throughout the galaxy, that anyone and everyone can wield

 

"We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our turbo lasers"
"We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. Get the crews to their podracers"
"My Lord..?"
"Did I say podracers? You know I meant fighters don't you?"
"Yes Lord Vader"
"Yippee!"

 

During the Throne Room fight on the Second Death Star...

"You are unwise to lower your...defenses!" Vader's lightsaber ignited and moved to strike at Luke, who ignited his green blade in the nick of time. Both swords slashed at each other and locked, the hissing of the two sabers locked, the energy struggling against the other.

Both warriors swung again, and again locked. As Vader ascended the steps, the young Skywalker retreated upward toward a command console. As his father swung at his legs, Luke jumped once, and then again. He sensed his father holding back. Lord Vader, held the speed of his attack back and only made gentle jibes at his son's legs.

Luke jumped up onto the overlooking viewing balcony.

Vader's breathing filled the silent Throne Room. "Your thoughts betray you Father. I feel the good in you...the conflict."

"There is no conflict!" Vader's deep voice bellowed.

"You couldn't bring yourself to destroy me then and I don't believe you'll destroy me now."

"You underestimate the power of the Dark Side. If you do...then you will meet your destiny!" But before Vader proceeded to make his move...

"It's over Father! I have the HIGH GROUND!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Vader screamed, his arms in the air, as his voice echoed to the far corners of the Observation Tower.

 

Palpatine (holding Luke's lightsaber): Ah, a Jedi's weapon. Much like the one I had hidden up my sleeve to use against four Jedi masters who tried to kill me.

 

Vader: Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. Come with me.
(Luke drops himself down the air shaft)
Vader: What? This outrageous! It's unfair! How can you be my son, and not want to join me!! It's insulting!

 

Do you mean that Leia would have walked in, thinking that the Rebellion was about defeating the dark side, to discover that the Jedi were in fact merely attempting a reshuffle of who issued orders from the Throne?

"Leia! I was right! The Jedi are taking over!"

 

"She lied, she lied to us!"
"I told you she would never consciously betray the rebellion"
"Terminate her, immediately"
"Have you done something to your hair?"
"What?"
"Your skin then? You look less....animated"
"Vader, enough of this!"

 

Luke: "Wait a minute, I see Yoda, I see Obi-Wan.....WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY FATHER?"

 

"Luke's just not a farmer Owen, he has too much of his father in him"
"That's what I'm afraid of. What's going to happen if he doesn't like sand either? Look around woman, we're surrounded by the damn stuff. I'll never get my vaporators fixed!"

 

Luke: What?!! So is that why they're called "Sand People"? I thought it was just a quirky anachronism.

 

Anakin would be like, "Deal with it! Deal with the Force."