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Saga Saber Class - humour, one-way dialogue, Obi-Wan

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Eryndil, Jan 30, 2013.

  1. Eryndil

    Eryndil Jedi Knight star 3

    Dec 18, 2012
    Saber Class

    Summary: Obi-Wan teaches a class of initiates. A dialogue-only piece set shortly before AOTC.
    Genre: Humour
    Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, locations and other elements remain the property of their respective copyright holders. This work is not for profit.

    A/N: With apologies to young Liam for defamation of character ;)


    "Good morning, younglings. As Master Yoda said, I'm here to teach you the basics of Soresu, the third lightsaber form. Liam, you have a question? Oh, well the second form is called Makashi.

    No, I'm not going to teach you that one. Because I use Soresu, not Makashi. Well, Makashi isn't used much nowadays. Because it's designed for fighting enemies who have lightsabers and there aren't many of them now.

    Yes, the Sith I killed on Naboo did have a lightsaber but that really isn't very common so... What was that? No, I'm not here to show you how I killed the Sith. I'm here to teach you Soresu. No, I didn't use Soresu to 'slice that Sith in two' - I was using Ataru. No, Ataru is not better than Soresu, they both have advantages and disadvantages.

    Hmm? No, an advantage of Ataru is not that it can be used to 'dice the bad guys'. I didn't dice him anyway. Younglings, younglings, please! This is a lightsaber class, not a cookery lesson - pay attention!

    That's better. Now, Soresu is a defensive form... Well, that means it's not used for attacking. You use it when other people attack you, to keep you safe. What? Yes, Ataru is used for attacking, it's what we call an 'offensive' form. Well, that means you go on the attack. No, that's not 'more fun' - Jedi don't fight people for fun.

    Well, yes, many Jedi do enjoy sparring, but that's different. Yes, I enjoy sparring but that's not the same as fighting an enemy. Because you might have to kill someone, and that isn't fun. No, it isn't. No, I didn't enjoy 'chopping the Sith into pieces'. No, not even a little bit. Look, I'm not here to talk about the Sith. Let's get back to the lesson, shall we?

    So, as I said, Soresu is a defensive form, mainly used against blasters. Really? Master Yoda showed you a blaster? Well, that must have been... He did what? Ah yes, I can see the scorch mark on the wall. I'm sure that did stop Liam from asking questions. Well, Master Yoda is very wise. Maybe I should get myself a blaster. No, no, that was just a joke - I'm not giving up my lightsaber.

    Well then, you all know what blaster fire looks like then. Yes, and what it sounds like. Yes, and what it smells like too. Sorry, it smells like what? Well, I haven't smelled Jempa's feet so I wouldn't know. No, no, Jempa - there's no need to take your boots off. Come on now, younglings, control yourselves please. A Jedi never sniggers.

    Now, where was I? Oh yes, Soresu's defensive capabilities. Capabilities, Liam. It means what Soresu can do. That's right, it can keep you safe from blaster fire. Very good! A true master of Soresu can be almost invulnerable. Ah, invulnerable means you can't be killed. No, no, I said almost - no-one is completely invulnerable. No, not even me. Yes, that would be 'cool', Ashla.

    Anyway, Form three is very good at defending you from blaster fire. One way that it does that is what we call the Circle of Shelter. What is it now, Liam? Well, I'm just about to tell you. Have patience, youngling - a Jedi is never impatient.

    No, Master Windu is not impatient, he's busy. It's different. He has a lot of important things to do and... Look, we're not going to have a discussion about Master Windu, okay? Now, let's get on with the class. No, I am not being impatient, Liam! You're supposed to be learning about Soresu and we've hardly even started.

    Right then. The Circle of Shelter is a precognitive state. A precognitive...never mind. In order to use the Circle of Shelter, a Jedi enters a Moving Meditation. Oh, you've done that before, Ashla? Well done! Ah, I'm not sure that's what it's meant to be used for. Yes, I'm sure Liam was being very annoying, but a Jedi should use diplomacy rather than violence. I doubt that the Force was telling you to... Well, maybe it was.

    Younglings, younglings, settle down. You know what - I think the best way for you to truly understand Soresu would be through meditation. In fact, I think you should all meditate now. Yes, Liam, right now. Close your eyes, everyone, and clear your minds. Jempa, I can see you peeking - keep your eyes closed. No, that was not an invitation for the rest of you to take a look. Concentrate, all of you.

    Now, reach into the Force and feel yourself slipping into a deep meditation. Quieten your thoughts, relax your bodies, let the Force gently soothe you as you float further into its depths. You might be feeling a bit tired now. That's okay - just drift into a nice peaceful sleep. That's right...

    Ah, hello Master Yoda. They are just practicing their meditation now. No, I've had no trouble at all. Liam? Yes, he does ask a lot of questions but nothing I couldn't handle. I didn't need to fire a blaster at him. It's just as well the younglings can't hear you, Master. I told them that a Jedi never sniggers.

    Next week? Ah well, you know I'd be all too happy to help out again but unfortunately, I can't. I've already promised to... ah, to talk to Heliost Clan about my mission to Colunda Prime. What was that, Master? Yes, I think that is an excellent idea. I'm sure Anakin will be honoured to teach the younglings. Believe me, he'll be thrilled. If you'll excuse me, Master Yoda, I'll go and tell him now. I just can't wait to see the happy look on his face. Oh, and I'll remind him to bring a blaster...”
    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo likes this.
  2. earlybird-obi-wan

    earlybird-obi-wan Kessel Run Champion star 6 VIP - Game Winner

    Aug 21, 2006
    Loved this piece
  3. Valairy Scot

    Valairy Scot Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 16, 2005
    Oh, you posted here - Obi-Wan's patience was sorely tested, sorely tested I think. And I shudder to think how Anakin will handle things.
  4. Luna_Nightshade

    Luna_Nightshade Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Jan 25, 2006

    Reminds me of how I feel in the classroom sometimes too. Fun viggie!
  5. serendipityaey

    serendipityaey Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 24, 2004
    Ah great fun! :D I love the touches of Obi's fantastic humor
  6. obimom

    obimom Jedi Master star 4

    Oct 31, 2010
    Glad you posted this's too good not to be here as well.
  7. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Sep 4, 2012
    [face_laugh] That's hilarious. Poor Obi :p I'm sure Anakin will be thrilled [face_whistling]
  8. Alexis_Wingstar

    Alexis_Wingstar Jedi Master star 4

    Sep 16, 2006
    Oh my, that made me laugh so hard my sides are hurting, and now I have to take a trip to the lavatory. :p
  9. CmdrMitthrawnuruodo

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 1, 2000
    Brilliant! [face_laugh]

    Tapatalk Signature
    Use the light switch, Luke. Trust your feelings!
  10. Tarsier

    Tarsier Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jul 31, 2005
    Great story! Very funny!