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Beyond - Legends SOLD!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by PonyTricks, Nov 29, 2012.

  1. PonyTricks

    PonyTricks Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jul 25, 2003
    Wow.... I haven't posted a story for ages. This one was suggested by Jedi-2B, and so I took up her challenge. ;) I haven't tried posting a story since the Boards changed over, so we'll see if I can make this work.



    “We’ve been sold out!” The wily gambler shook his head sadly. “Our Illustrious All-Knowing Overlord, the Prince of Plaid, The Big Brother of Beards, the Father of the Force, has sold us out, just like a herd of rancors. We should never have believed a word that man said, especially after hearing that idiotic line about sand being coarse. Of course sand is coarse… otherwise it wouldn’t be sand, would it?”

    “Rancors don’t gather up in herds,” one of the gambler’s drinking companions muttered into his ale.

    “Good for them, then. No one can treat them like sarlacc fodder,” Lando decreed, holding up his own half empty container as he yelled loudly in the general direction of the bar. “I need a refill!”

    “Haven’t you had enough?” the youngest male in the group asked his tipsy friend.

    “Nope. Can’t say that I have,” Lando replied, licking the edge of the glass. He leaned forward toward the blond Jedi Knight. “Do you know what’s the worst song ever written?”

    “’The Macarena?’” Luke replied, slumping down in his seat. “Or ‘My Heart Will Go On?’”

    “'Who Let the Dogs Out?’” Han asked earnestly. “And I always hated ‘Red Rubber Ball,’ too.”

    “No, no, no. Those are all bad, but the worst one is ’It’s A Small World.’ It burrows into your brain like a sand roach, and goes around and around and as hard as you try, you just can’t make it go away.” Lando threw his head back and started singing at the top of his lungs, “It’s a World of Hope and a World of Fear, it’s a World of …”

    “SHUT UP!” Han yelled loudly, causing all the other patrons to stop talking and turn to look at the morose group. “Now I’m gonna have that dang song stuck in my head the rest of the day.”

    “See?” Lando said smugly. “The song’s plain evil.”

    “I’m not too fond of the ‘Yo-Ho’ song, myself,” Han grumbled.

    “What about the ‘Tiki Room’ song?” Luke put in. “How many times can you listen to birds singing those same words about the flowers crooning before you go insane? Now that’s evil.”

    “Let’s just agree that they’re all evil and meant to drive the average person crazy. It’s a plot that only someone as wicked as Palpatine could have conceived. Or evil Uncle Wally.”

    “Uncle Willy,” Luke corrected.

    “What’s evil?” a female voice spoke from behind Lando’s back.

    “That ‘Small World’ song,” Han replied as he patted the seat, indicating that Princess Leia should sit. “Have you heard any more rumors?”

    “There are all sorts of rumors flying around,” the Princess responded, as she took her place next to Han. “The latest one has me killing Han and having an affair Lando. And the holo-shrills claim that I’m the one that started it!”

    Han’s face grew flushed, and he glared across the table at Lando. “Now where do you suppose that rumor came from?”

    “Not me!” Lando protested, holding his hand to his chest in a gesture of innocence. “Honest!”

    Luke took a big gulp of his drink. “Killing off husbands and having affairs doesn’t sound very friendly. I’m not sure Uncle Willy would approve.”

    “Uncle Willy’s been dead for a million years,” Han groused. “The gang that took over his Kingdom never much cared about being too friendly.”

    “And now we’ve fallen into their unfriendly clutches, thanks to the old Master of Modesto,” Luke concurred, giving a sad sniff. “I suppose my sweet Mara won’t even exist in their twisted version of reality.”

    “’Sweet’ and ‘Mara’ would be the ultimate definition of an oxymoron,” Lando said.

    “Don’t let Mara hear you calling her a moron,” Han warned.

    “No, that’s not…” Lando started out, and then he shrugged. “Whatever.”

    “On the bright side, maybe I’ll be a Jedi this time around, instead of Mothma’s lackey,” Leia said hopefully.

    “If they turn you into a Jedi, we might not get married,” Han protested. “Which means our children will never be born, either.”

    “Is that a bad thing, considering how they turned out?”

    Han sighed. “Maybe not. Maybe not.”

    “And you might actually have a real job in Uncle Willy’s Wonderful World, instead of just pretending that you have one,” Lando pointed out.

    “Oh, yeah?!?” Han shouted, standing up and almost toppling the table over. “What, exactly, have you been doing that’s so much more important than being married to Princess Leia, who is sometimes an important politician and sometimes almost a Jedi?”

    “Hey!” Leia yelled, frowning at Han. “I resent that. Maybe I will do you in with my lightsaber while you’re sleeping.”

    “Did you hear that, Luke? Did you?” Han gasped. “Your sister is getting darthy. Tell her to stop turning into a Sith, or I won’t go to Willy’s Wonderful World with her, at all.”

    “Leia, you really shouldn’t - ” Luke started out.

    “You can tell Han to grow up, while you’re at it,” Leia snapped, interrupting her brother. “He’s been asking to croak off for years and years, and now that he finally has his chance, he’s changed his mind.”

    “See?” Luke said with a sad nod. “This is what the Evil Beings that are in Control now want to have happen. They want to tear us apart, just so they can stick us back together in whatever image they desire.”

    “So they can make ship-loads of money,” Lando stated. “Money is evil.”

    “The ‘Macarena’ is evil,” Luke said firmly. “And that’s no joke.”

    “You should know about jokes,” Han grumbled.

    “What’s THAT supposed to mean!?” Luke screamed at his friend, reaching for his lightsaber and causing his drink to spill on the table.

    Han jumped backwards, and pulled out his blaster. “Watch it, Luke! I shoot first and ask questions later. At least I think I do….it sorta depends on the Plaid One’s whim.”

    “Not anymore,” Lando said. “Now it will be on the whim of Old Dead Wally’s Evil Minions.”

    “Willy,” Luke corrected.

    “Stop arguing, everyone. We can all agree that Willy World is evil,” Leia stated firmly. “And now we’re going to be part of it, too, whether we want to, or not.”

    “That’s why we have to get drunk today. I’ve heard that they don’t have any alcohol in Willy’s Kingdom,” Lando said, wiping a tear from his eye.

    “Hell, they don’t even allow chewing gum,” Han said, sitting back down next to Leia.

    “I don’t care if I do sound like Threepio, I’m going to say it anyway. We’re all doomed,” Luke stated in despair.

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo likes this.
  2. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    [face_rofl] [face_rofl] An absolutely hilarious read! =D= [:D]
  3. CmdrMitthrawnuruodo

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 1, 2000
    Brilliant! That sums it up. :)

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  4. Jedi_Lover

    Jedi_Lover Chosen One star 5

    Nov 1, 2004
    That is so cool! I love it!
  5. Jedi-2B

    Jedi-2B Jedi Master star 4

    Nov 2, 2000
    Just the thing to draw me out of the netherworld of Darth Real Life -- a funny PonyTricks viggie!! Here's to hoping the Magic Kingdom will be good to our beloved heroes.
  6. taramidala

    taramidala Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jun 18, 1999
    This was excellent. Hilarious! Well done. =D=
  7. leiamoody

    leiamoody Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 8, 2005
    I won't even try to pick out favorite quotes, because there are simply too many of them (Although "The Prince of Plaid" is a blue milk special winner). Basically, this is like a really funny, awesome, to-the-point vig. Excellent!
  8. krtmd

    krtmd Jedi Master star 4

    Sep 5, 2012
    Love it. They're canon fodder now.

    Get it? ;)
  9. ginchy

    ginchy Jedi Grand Master star 4

    May 25, 2005
    [face_rofl] [face_rofl] [face_rofl]

    Too fun. And I agree with Lukie. The Macarena was and remains pure evil.
  10. mavjade

    mavjade Former Manager star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 10, 2005
    [face_laugh] I'm usually not a fan of stories that break the 4th wall, but this was a lot of fun!

    “Watch it, Luke! I shoot first and ask questions later. At least I think I do….it sorta depends on the Plaid One’s whim.”
    Loved this line! I could see Han's confused face in my mind as he said it.

    Thanks for sharing!
  11. PonyTricks

    PonyTricks Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jul 25, 2003
    Thank you! :)

    Awww. I'm blushing! [face_blush]

    Thank you kindly! [:D][

    You know that this one was all your fault... and now you want me to write a SW/Vacation crossover, too! o_O

    Thank you for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it! [face_party]

    hehe.... I'm glad you liked it. (and I like this new 'reply' system, too!) @};-

    LOL! Poor Luke, Leia and Han... their World will never be the same, now that they've been Disneyfied. [face_hypnotized]

    Some songs just make a person start twitching... [face_mischief]

    I'm not much for coloring inside the lines when it comes to my SW stories... They're rather like a demented pinball game, careening every which way. 8-}
  12. Jedi_Liz

    Jedi_Liz Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Apr 24, 2000
    You just made my day once I figured out they were talking about having new "employers". ;)
  13. Valairy Scot

    Valairy Scot Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 16, 2005
    [face_laugh] Wonderful - so glad I clicked on something in Beyond.