The Conquest of the Catlaxy | ‘Meow You’re Talking’ Challenge | Humour, meta & cats

Title: The Conquest of the Catlaxy
Timeframe: Eternity
Continuity: Go figure
Characters: the Force, two cats
Genre: Definitely humour, rather meta, and lots of lousy puns.
Length: One-shot (thankfully)
Summary: How cats became the masters of the universe
Challenge entry: The blame for the existence of this story rests squarely on the shoulders of gizkaspice, who mentioned the need for cat creation myths in the GFFA in a comment on an unrelated thread of mine. It motivated me to not only write this fic, but also to start the ‘Meow You’re Talking’ Challenge, for which this is a no-prompt entry.
Note: The opening sentence is based on the Arabic version of ‘once upon a time’ (kan ya makan, كان يا مكان), which translates literally to ‘there was, there was not’.
References: This story mentions a number of cats that appear in various stories on these boards, namely:

• Millicent, Blackie and Boba’s Cat are the brainchildren of @gizkaspice. The first two made their original appearance in Something in Kylo Ren’s Shoe, while the latter was introduced in The Book of Boba’s Cat. They’re all recurring characters in her stories, so make sure to check her entire body of work.
• Cat-Sauron was also created by gizkaspice for her on-going NSWFF Sauron: Lord of the Cats.
• Fluffy plays a key role in The Pawful Truth by @Seldes_Katne (which also lists the cat merch, including that doormat).
• Blacky is a creation of @earlybird-obi-wan in The Black Cat and its sequels.
• Vader was reincarnated as a cat in Skyclawer by @vader_incarnate.
• Whispurr is Admiral Ozzel’s cat and stars in The Whispurr Omnibus by yours truly

I know that there are all sorts of other cats, tookas, pittins, flerkens and felines on the boards, and I apologise for not giving them their moment in the sun in this absolute work of art.

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The Conquest of the Catlaxy

It may truly be so, or perhaps it is not: but the stories tell us that, in the days of old, there was only the Force. It was a two-faced being; one side was fair and luminous, and it was called the Ashla, and the other was dark and menacing, and it was called the Bogan. But for all their differences, these two got along rather well, and they set about conceiving the world.

They agreed to create space together and add elements to fill it out. The Ashla made the suns and the stars and the Bogan the supernovae and the black holes. Then the Ashla formed the planets and the moons, and the Bogan the asteroids and the comets. They had a minor argument over interstellar dust – the Ashla didn’t see the point of introducing allergens into the void – but it was quickly overcome, because they were both eager to move on to the next stage of creation: living creatures.

The stories say that, once they got started, the Ashla and the Bogan had a blast. They kept coming up with new beings and concepts, so many that they soon lost track. The Ashla was particularly proud of the Angels of Iego and showed them off to the Bogan; the Bogan, in turn, was most pleased with the space slug and flaunted it to the Ashla. The population of the universe was constantly expanding and growing more diverse, and cooperation between the two sides of the Force was proceeding smoothly…

Until it hit a snag.

Or, I should say, a cat.

The cat was a small creature, and while it presented some interesting features, it was, at first sight, really nothing to write to the void about. The problem wasn’t the little critter itself – after all, both the Ashla and the Bogan had brought forth far larger and more impressive creatures. No, the problem was that both were adamant that they had created it, and neither would budge in the face of the other’s arguments.

“I mean, just look at it,” the Ashla said while the cat was curled up sleeping at their feet. “Look at that fur, look at that face. It’s pure. It’s innocent. It has to be one of mine!”

“Do you even pay attention?” the Bogan countered. “It’s black. It has claws. It may look like one of yours, but it’s obviously one of mine.”

The cat awoke, yawned and stretched, batting its eyelashes at the two forces of creation. “Don’t be ridiculous,” the Ashla snapped. “It’s sophisticated. It’s elegant. It’s nothing like your work.”

“Drop the condescension, will you, missy?” the Bogan retorted acidly. “My work is sophisticated and elegant enough. You –”

On and on the argument went while the cat preened, and napped, and zoomed around the void. The Ashla and the Bogan had almost come to blows – which would have been no mean feat, as they were two faces of a single body – when they felt a small paw tugging at their robes. They looked down to see that the black cat was sitting there, its tail swinging from side to side on the floor like a pendulum.

“Pawdon me,” the cat said politely, “but could I have some food?”

“Of course, kitty!” the Bogan exclaimed. “Here, let me create a mouse for you.”

“Listen to you!” the Ashla objected. “You want to turn this harmless little creature into a killer. You –”

“It’s not harmless! It’s a predator!”

“Says who? Cat’s don’t eat mice. They eat kibble. I should know, I created them!”

“If I may,” the cat intervened, “purrhaps you can create mouse-flavoured kibble for me before you return your cattention to your debate?”

The Ashla and the Bogan tried to look at each other – that entailed a lot of turning their single head left and right, but it didn’t work, since their faces were back to back – yet there was no denying that it was a satisfying solution. They waved their hands, and a bowl of mice crispies materialised. The cat ate them ravenously while they resumed their argument.

Their verbal joust persisted through the ages, interrupted only by the cat’s occasional requests for more food, or water, or a cat tree, or a clean litter box. It answered “so fur, so good” every time they enquired how it was feeling, and after a while they had nearly forgotten its existence, merely providing for its needs whenever it asked for something – until one day when the tug on their robes was sharper than usual. “What?” they both shouted.

The cat took a step back, its fur standing up on end, and hissed. “Oh, never mind,” it said disdainfully. “Please catty on, I didn’t mean to dispurrb.”

At this, the Ashla and the Bogan realised that they had been remiss in caring for their creation. “We’re sorry, little one,” the Ashla said kindly. “Is there something we can do for you?”

The cat tapped the tip of its tail on the floor. “I just want to ask, are you going to continue this argument furever?”

“It’s an important argument, kitty,” the Bogan said pompously. “And it should matter to you too. Don’t you want to know your true parentage?”

“I do, I do,” the cat answered, batting again its eyelashes in that most endearing way. “But… well, it’s been a while, and I’m feline lonely. Could you conjure a lady furiend for me?”

“A lady, eh? You’re a male?”

“Oh yes, most definitely. My name is Furnando.”

“You didn’t even know that he was male?” the Ashla asked. “Talk about a –”

There was an even sharper tug on the robes. “My lady furiend?” the cat said. “Pawlease?”

“I’ll take care of it –” the Bogan began.

“No, I will –” the Ashla said.

They waved their hands at the same time, and a beautiful white cat materialised. Furnando’s eyes widened, and he began to purr enticingly. “Why, hello there,” he said with his most beguiling stretch. “I’m Furnando, and you are…?”

The white cat raised her head royally as she took him in. “I’m Clawdia.”

Meanwhile, the Bogan was staring at Clawdia in dismay. “Look what you did! I was going to make another black cat. You had to interfere, and now she’s white!”

The Ashla looked at their creation tenderly. “I’m telling you, she’s one of mine. And look at how they get along” – the two cats’ tails were already entwined – “their love was kitten in the stars.”

The Bogan facepalmed. “Oh, spare me the sappiness, and stop speaking cat. This isn’t a tale of love, it’s…”

The two forces of creation became so ensconced in their argument once more that they didn’t hear Furnando tell Clawdia as they walked away: “When you want something, first you ask pawlitely. If that doesn’t pawse their bickering, you need to go in with a bit more cattitude. They always give in; they’re too busy fighting.”

* * *​

Many millennia later, the Ashla and the Bogan were still arguing, but Furnando and Clawdia could look back at their lives and offspring with great satisfaction. The Egyptians worshipped cats in the purramids; the Greeks revered the goddess Hecate (Clawdia, who was good at spelling, was adamant that that pesky typo with the -e at the end should be fixed sometime); the Vietnamese celebrated the Year of the Cat (why the Chinese had chosen a rabbit instead, Furnando could not fathom). Hisstanbul, which had been the capital of two empires, was known as the City of Cats, and rightly so. There was even a pawpular musical called Cats. Meanwhile, one of their great-great-great-grandchildren who was good with modern technology had launched an online cat platform with resounding success; the merch store was doing a roaring trade of cat-themed items and curios (the doormat that read ‘cats welcome, others tolerated’ in particular was a best-seller), and this had allowed Furnando and Clawdia to improve their living space without having to intercat with the forces of creation, whose on-going bickering had become outright tiresome.

On the wall, above the holoprojector’s screen between the two bookcases, was a family pawtrait of all their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren who had left the void to conquer the catlaxy. Not only had cats been integrated as deities in a multitude of religions, but Furnando and Clawdia now had spies and agents in every era and every political movement of every universe to keep them apprised of important developments: aboard the Executor, aboard the Supremacy, in the secret Resistance base, in the Jedi Temple, on Tatooine (with bounty hunters no less), even in the private quarters of heroes of the Rebellion. Many of those were black cats, and Furnando was particularly proud of them; but he had to admit that the family’s crowning achievement so far had been an extremely clever plot twist through which the realm of Middle-Earth had been taken over by cats.

Speaking of which, Furnando was currently reading The Book of Lost Tails. Both he and Clawdia greatly enjoyed J.R.R. Tolkien’s writings (they knew for a fact that it was the pen name of their descendant Gizclawspice) and they had recently purchased her complete works, including the Lord of the Cats trilogy, the Silmeowrillion and the Hisstory of Middle-Earth. The collection occupied a full shelf of the cabinet, just under the book that had pride of place: Lady Catterley’s Lover, a novel penned by Clawdia herself (under the name D.H. Clawrence) that had caused quite a stir upon its publication. Below Tolkien, another shelf held the theatrical works of William Shakespurr as well as Catigone and Oedipuss Rex by Sofurcles because their firstborn daughter Cleocatra had taken an interest in tragedies. The rest of the bookcase held the classics of universal litterature, such as The Great Catsby, Les Mhissérables, Anna Catrenina, The Brothers Catramazov, Crime and Pussnishment (yes, there had been a kitten with Russophile leanings at some point), Nineteen Eighty Fur, The Three Muskitteneers, The Caterbury Tales, Hiss of the d’Ubervilles, Clawing for Godot, The Cat of Monte Cristo, The 42nd Pawrallel, Fur and Loathing in Las Vegas, Six Catracters in Search of an Author, and many more.

On the other side of the family pawtrait, another cabinet held Furnando and Clawdia’s favourite movies and holoseries: they had of course the box sets for Claw Wars, Hissdiana Jones, Purrates of the Catribbean and Harry Pawter, as well as several versions of Catman, and they kept adding new releases to their collection of Cat Trek, which they both particularly liked for the character with cat-like ears who often said ‘live long and pawsper’. They also owned all the classics of world cinema, such as Clawrence of Arabia, Nospurratu, Apocatlypse Now and A Clawwork Orange, and several holoseries, including Game of Cats, Penguins of Madaclawscar and Stranger Fangs. Neither Furnando nor Clawdia were gamers, but some of their offspring had been, and tucked behind the movies and series were the datacards of a few hologames such as Assassin’s Kittens and The Cats of Us.

It was a lazy morning, and Furnando was sipping his capurrchino on the couch while Clawdia, who had already finished her ameowricano, was trying to decide how they would spend the next few hours. Suddenly, shrill voices came from the interstellar broom cupboard where they had confined the Ashla and the Bogan. Furnando shook his head in dismay. “Are they fur real?”

Clawdia rose and stretched before tiptoeing to the door and listening in. She was pawsitively appalled when she came back. “You won’t believe this. They’re arguing hissterically about Claw Wars – litterally blaming each other for deciding that somehow, Pawpatine returned.”

Furnando sighed, but he couldn’t quite keep the spark of mischief from his eyes. “As tired as I am of their hisstrionics, I must admit that they have a point. George Lucats messed up a bit. Pawpatine died on the Death Star. They shouldn’t have continued the series after Refur of the Jedi.”

Clawdia raised her head high and gave her husband her most royal glare. “Now wait a meowment! The purrquels were a significat piece of writing. It was important to tell the story of Anakin Skyclawer and Pawdmé Amidala. If Cleocatra were here –”

“... she would no doubt tell me about the thread of fate in a good tragedy,” Furnando completed. “But she is busy ruling Egypt at the moment, and I was just kitten anyway. We were going to spend a nice and catsy day. So. What is our plawn?”

Clawdia glanced at her list. “We both need a bit of exercise, so a fit of zoomies is certainly on the catgenda. But before that, I was thinking that we could watch The Talented Mr. Ripley. It’s a movie starring Catt Damon and Jude Claw –”

Furnando’s whiskers shivered excitedly. “With Gwyneth Pawtrow, Cate Blanchett and Philip Seymour Hissman?”

“That’s the one. Should I get us some pawpcorn?”

“If you would be so kind, darling, it would be clawesome.”

Clawdia disappeared to the kitchen while Furnando stretched on the cushions. This was purrfect. It was truly the life of an aristocat.

 

Fantastic catmania!

 

Hilarious to begin my day. With all those cats. But where is Paw Patrol?

 

Sorry for kind of falling off the face of the Earth for a while there and leaving this masterpiece unreviewed

Firstly, it's a huge privilege hearing (reading?) that my comment motivated you to write this fic AND start the Meow you're Talking challenging--both which are excellent. Truthfully, I was thinking along the lines of doing something like that for a long time but lack the time and energy so it's super cool you took this one (let's be honest...you're HIGHLY qualified to be taking this on ) so thank you for doing that! It has made the fanfic forums a more fun place.

Smalllll correction---as much as I would love to claim Millicent as my brainchild/braincat, I have to give credit to the existence of Millicent to no other than Pablo Hidalgo who made a joke about General Hux having a cat on Twitter a few years ago and the Internet just ran with it

I love how you mentioned the cat authors and gave them acknowledgement--we have a cat community here

I love how essentially it's pretty implied that Ashla and Bogan are actually just a bickering married couple

See, I told you so!!

Listen to Bogan! Cats are little adorable murderers and that's why we love them. Who wants kibble when you can eat a fresh, warm mouse?!

Does this imply that cats are actually immortal? Also the fact those two are STILL arguing is just....

The cat is, of course, the person of reason here.

Ah, yes. The running gag of "I don't know what the sex of this cat is"

Clawdia is the MOST appropriate name for a lady cat and FURnando!?

OF COURSE, they are!

I love how the history of cats (from our world and the world of fandoms) is descended from the offspring and the creation of Clawdia and Furnando. I mean, it all makes sense now! Now the question is, is the original Millicent really their descendant or did she come into existence through her own arrogance as a cat of her elegance and majesty would?

I'm flattered

The SilMEOWrillion!? I'm dead

I don't care what anyone says about these cat puns--I think they're brilliant

I want a side series of Ashla and Bogan arguing about random stuff now Pawleeeaseeeeeeeeee.

Thanks for writing and sharing this amazing tale of cats, cat puns and all! I love how you interconnected everything and really created a "one origin" of sorts for all the cats on the boards and where they came from and I love the concept of Clawdia and Furnando. They're adorable and their descendants truly have diversified the Galaxy (and our own as well).

Annnddddd.............are Ashla and Bogan still arguing about the cat stuff? We need to know

 

Just a quick word of thanks to readers and reviewers!

Thank you! I had a lot of fun writing this, I'm glad it made you laugh.

Thank you! Cats, cats everywhere! I'm just off reading your diary, and it doesn't look like you need any help on the cat front. As for Paw Patrol... well, maybe this story needs a sequel?

@gizkaspice (or should I say gizclawspice?) Thank you for the extensive review!

Thank *you*. You gave me the idea for this when you were commenting on my Wookiee stories, and an entirely vague idea I had in the past took shape thanks to you.

And no one ran with it better, faster and further than you!

We absolutely do. Why don't we have a cat emoji?

Oh, absolutely. The thing is, though, that bickering married couples may get sidetracked about who did what, but it usually doesn't have cosmic implications

Furnando does. He's lived such a pampered life in the void with the Force, he likes his worldly comforts.

Hey, cats have nine lives, and when you're sitting pretty in the void with nothing to worry about, you don't get to use them up. As for the fact that the Ashla and the Bogan are still arguing... well, the rift between the light and the dark side had to come from somewhere. What the Jedi won't tell you is that it came from cats.

I'd say that the cat is very smart and manipulative He guilt-trips them just enough to get what he wants.

YOU started that. It's a trait of dark siders. I just ran with it.

I told you. I'm not allowed to make dad jokes for a year after writing this. It was worth it though

What else would they be doing?

Oh, I totally headcanon (headfanon?) Millicent as their descendant. Either she got more genes from the Bogan side of the family, or she was tasked by Furnando and Clawdia to infiltrate the First Order for their own nefarious purposes. (There's a crack!fic in the making there, if you want to give it a shot... *hint*hint*)

I was only speaking the truth

And the Hiss-tory of Middle Earth. I'm sure you'll find a good use for those titles

This was probably my favourite bit to write: I went through my bookcases looking for titles that I could cat-ify, and it's a miracle I was able to refrain from actually reading the books. I even considered having a collection of philosophy books for Furnando and Clawdia, including the Nicatmachean Ethics and So Spoke Catathustra.

I wouldn't say it's random stuff. It all ultimately comes to cats. (I may take up your Abominable Plot Bunny of Palpatine being a cat all along to explain it )

Thank *you* once again! I'm glad that you enjoyed this story and that you feel that our cats are one big family.

Of course they are! And as long as they do, the Force will never find balance...

Thanks again to all readers, reviewers and lurkers! This was supposed to be a one-shot, but of course now I have ideas for sequels, so you never know, Furnando and Clawdia might be back someday.

 

I saw what you did there!

This such a nifty description of the Ashla and Bogan, and I really like the fairytale-esque intro. Even though this tale goes right into the realms of silliness very quickly, the mythic setup really works well too! Visualizing the sides of the Force as a two-sided being is really a striking image that reminds me a bit of the Roman god Janus but with a different spin. And it's interesting that they are depicted as originally working in concert, more or less. It kind of mirrors the historical Jedi/Sith split in an intriguing way.

VOID ALLERGENS! That one really tickled me (or my sinuses).

Aww, this is just cute!

Oh, I should have predicted this but it was a delightful surprise! And they both have some pretty good arguments.

Yup, that's part of the feline charm. They are what they are, and the rest of us mortals (and immortals) will just have to deal with it.

Really liked that you took full advantage of the slapstick potential of their supernatural features!

Yes, this is definitely what the first cat would have to say. And you even slipped in a cat pun -- purrfection.

You tell 'em, kitty!

"Kitten in the stars" for sure. Furnando and Clawdia are excellent names too.

The doormat! I like how the conflict between the Ashla and Bogan is just an irritating squabble to them.

I UNDERSTOOD THOSE REFERENCES.

It's canon now!

Oh stop, I cannot...

Naturally.

LOL, they're in "time out". See, that's how it is. Cats take over, you can't stop it.

 

Thanks so much for the review, @Kahara ! I'm glad this story made you laugh.

I'll have you know that choosing an era tag for this fic was a real headache In considered using them all, and I finally opted for using none, because, you know, the timeframe and continuity made things very complicated.

I realise that a crack!fic such as this one is probably not the right place to develop my deep philosophical theories about the Force but after alll this time I've come to the conclusion that light and dark are two sides of a coin and cannot exist without each other. On the level of the silliness that prevails here, however, I really wish I had just enough artistic talent to draw the being I had in mind – very much like Janus indeed, with two faces on either side of the head and four arms in total (two for each side), but only two legs, with one foot pointing in one direction and ther other in the opposite one.

Which raises the question, do the Ashla and Bogan have allergies? Inquisitive minds want to know!

I'm telling you, the conflict between light and dark all came to be because of cats.

I know, right? Cats look so cute and harmless, but they can be the most vicious creatures.

You know what they say. Cats have staff. This particular cat has the best staff

That's another thing about cats for me, how they manage to guilt-trip you when, for instance, you're late feeding them. (Or maybe I have an exceedingly anthropomorphic view of cats, I dunno – fact and fiction kind of blur together at this point.)

"Kitten in the stars" for sure. Furnando and Clawdia are excellent names too.
This was the bit when the dad jokes ran amok as I wrote this story

[insert Steve Rogers gif here] But seriously, there are so many great cats on the boards. Someone has to keep track lest they take over.

Definitely canon! If you haven't been reading gizkaspice's LotR story, you definitely should. It's a cat-ification of Tolkien's work in grand style.

There are many more such puns where these came from. I saved them for a sequel

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why the conflict between the light and dark sides of the Force cannot be resolved

Thanks again for the detailed review @Kahara and thanks to everyone who stopped by to read!