Saga The Padawan Band | Anakin starts a band and Obi-Wan becomes a serial killer

Title: The Padawan Band
Author: Estora
Timeframe: Post-TPM, AU
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, others.
Genre: Crack/humour
Summary: Anakin starts a band, and Obi-Wan becomes a serial killer.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

The Padawan Band​

"Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan swatted in the vague direction of the insect. "G'way."

"Obi-Wan."

"Nnnngh." Stupid Qui-Gon, going away and putting Obi-Wan on Chosen One babysitting duties. He wasn't even getting paid.

"Obi-Wan!"

"It's four in the morning so unless you are dying you have no need to be here," he snapped, jolting up in his bed and ready to lunge for his lightsaber. "What do you want?"

Anakin blinked innocently. "Do you think I can sing good?"

"You woke me up for that?" Obi-Wan shouted, and Anakin's lower lip quivered and he started to cry.

When Anakin cried, it wasn't just a little sob fest or a couple of tears and snivelling. When Anakin cried, he cried: vases would shatter, his howling made Obi-Wan's ears bleed (last time he'd been deaf for a week), and his tears often formed a small puddle where he stood.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, please don't cry. Really, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," Obi-Wan lied, trying to calm the Chosen One down. "What was the question?"

Anakin sniffled loudly and wiped his streaming nose on the back of his sleeve, leaving a streak of snot all the way up his arm. "Do you think I can sing good?" he whimpered.

Obi-Wan didn't really have the heart to tell Anakin he sounded like a Gungan getting run over by a speeder when he was singing (but mostly just didn't want the boy to start crying again), so he patted him on the head and said, "Sure I do."

Anakin brightened immediately. "YIPEEEE!" he squealed, and Obi-Wan felt one of his eardrums pop.

*​

The Padawan Band was comprised of four apprentices: Anakin Skywalker as the lead singer, Darra Thel-Tannis on the drums, and Tru Veld with a guitar with two broken strings tied together, and Ferus Olin on a tambourine.

Obi-Wan suspected that Anakin bullied Ferus Olin into joining The Padawan Band, because Siri's apprentice looked extremely awkward and was sporting a black eye. Obi-Wan also suspected Anakin had something to do with the name of the band, as the boy tended to lack creativity when naming things. His pet rock was fondly called "Rock", and the cat he'd rescued from a balcony he called "Cat". ("Cat" turned out to be a loving home pet who just liked sitting on balconies and hadn't been in any danger, but it was the intent, Obi-Wan explained hurriedly to the displeased family, that was what mattered.)

The Padawan Band made its debut performance at dinner one night in the mess hall. Obi-Wan had a bad feeling about it, but wanted to seem supportive of Anakin in Qui-Gon's absence and took his seat in the audience and clapped politely with the other Jedi as the children struck up their poses.

"This song is dedicated to an angel," Anakin declared, and Obi-Wan's bad feeling intensified.

*​

"OHHHHH COME WHAAAAT MAAAAAAY! IIIIIII WILL LOOOOVE YOUUUUUU UNTIL THE ENNNNNND OOOOOOF TIIIIIIIIIME!"

*​

Quinlan came over that night with a bag filled with bottles of fine Corellian ale. Obi-Wan didn't consider himself much of a drinker, but he still had two weeks left of looking after Anakin and decided getting drunk was a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Obi-Wan, it seemed, wasn't the only one affected by the unique performance of The Padawan Band. He went to Mace Windu the day after, fighting through his hangover, to seek counsel for his negative emotions.

Mace also wanted to talk.

"You know who the problem is around here, Kenobi?" Windu said, eyes narrowed and breath smelling suspiciously of Corellian ale. Obi-Wan guessed Quinlan had been doing the rounds. "That freak Yoda. I can't say I'd feel sorry if someone bumped him off."

"That's… dark," Obi-Wan said.

Mace looked like he wanted to say more, possibly about other certain members of the Jedi Council, but the door opened and Yoda himself entered the room, completely naked. Windu shuddered, and Obi-Wan averted his gaze.

Yoda didn't seem to have heard the prior conversation. "Hmmm, wonderful music young Anakin creates, Master Kenobi, yes," he said, sounding senile. "A beautiful voice, he has, heheheh."

"Oh," Obi-Wan said politely. "Yes, well, I don't think it's a good idea to encourage his little band too much –"

"Asked them to perform at dinner every night, I have!" Yoda said, and waddled off towards his chambers. "Hehehe."

Obi-Wan twitched.

"You see what I mean, Kenobi?" Windu said when Yoda was gone.

Obi-Wan was just going nod, but then thought about Anakin and his band performing every night for dinner, and felt something snap.

"You wouldn't mind if someone bumped him off, you say?" Obi-Wan murmured.

Windu stared, then laughed. "I like you, Kenobi."

*​

It was a long two weeks, so Obi-Wan picked up a new hobby.

*​

"Obi-Wan, I was only gone for three weeks. Do you really mean to tell me that in that time, the Chancellor, sixteen Senators, and nine of the Council members including Yoda were murdered, and no-one is investigating?"

"That's right," Obi-Wan said mildly, and Qui-Gon gripped his hair.

"And you are now a – a member of the Council?"

"It surprised me too, Master."

"But – you –" Qui-Gon shook his head, then looked around and seemed to realise something was missing. "Hold on, where's Anakin?"

"Oh, he left the Order to pursue a musical career."

"He what?"

"His band is very popular with the Gungans."

"Obi-Wan!"

 

Fantastic! Mace and Obi in cahoots and Anakin happily serenading Gungans.

 

Did Anakin actually pursue his musical career or are we going to find him buried in the desert somewhere?

 

Thank you! This crack!fic is a particular favourite of mine...

Ah, I think I have an answer for you in the form of fic! A short companion piece I wrote to the story a couple of days ago:

*​

A review posted in the Temple newsletter while Qui-Gon was away:

Listening to The Padawan Band perform is a singularly unique experience. Ferus Olin shines on the tambourine, and Anakin Skywalker will no doubt become very popular on Naboo should he ever be struck by the desire to pursue a professional singing career. What a shame Masters Giiett and Rancisis could no longer be with us to enjoy harrowing renditions of such hits as "My Heart Will Go On".

*​

Qui-Gon, to Obi-Wan's extreme displeasure, personally retrieved Anakin and his unwilling band members from the watery depths of Naboo and brought them all back to the Jedi Temple.

"I thought you wanted to be a Jedi!" Qui-Gon exclaimed in response to Anakin's complaining, and Anakin scratched his head.

"Oh, yeah, I did, didn't I?" he said, and skipped off to the mess hall. "Yipee!"

Qui-Gon pinned Obi-Wan with a nasty look, and Obi-Wan shrugged innocently. "I didn't actually tell him to attempt a professional career in singing," he pointed out, and Qui-Gon scowled.

"This is why I didn't want you as my Padawan," Qui-Gon snapped, and stomped off after Anakin.

Obi-Wan didn't think that was very nice of Qui-Gon at all.

*​

So it was possible Obi-Wan didn't think his actions completely through, because the remaining three members of the Jedi Council (excluding him) decided, following Qui-Gon Jinn's sudden and tragic death, that Anakin Skywalker should become Obi-Wan's Padawan. They all thought the arrangement was a rather brilliant idea and nicely poetic; Mace, in particular, was lauding his cleverness for suggesting it in the first place.

Obi-Wan disagreed.

"Now, let's not be hasty, Masters," Obi-Wan tried to negotiate, but they were all busy congratulating each other on the decision and didn't hear him.

*​

"So. You're my Master now."

"It appears so."

Anakin pulled a face. "You're not old enough."

"I'm on the Jedi Council, that should be more than enough for you."

"You're the only one on the Jedi Council!"

"Even better," Obi-Wan said. "Now go and wash the dishes."

 

What - only washing dishes? Is Anakin going to now "accidentally" drown in the suds?

 

That was so funny!

 

Mace also wanted to talk.

"You know who the problem is around here, Kenobi?" Windu said, eyes narrowed and breath smelling suspiciously of Corellian ale. Obi-Wan guessed Quinlan had been doing the rounds. "That freak Yoda. I can't say I'd feel sorry if someone bumped him off."

"That's… dark," Obi-Wan said.

Mace looked like he wanted to say more, possibly about other certain members of the Jedi Council, but the door opened and Yoda himself entered the room, completely naked. Windu shuddered, and Obi-Wan averted his gaze.

Yoda didn't seem to have heard the prior conversation. "Hmmm, wonderful music young Anakin creates, Master Kenobi, yes," he said, sounding senile. "A beautiful voice, he has, heheheh."

"Oh," Obi-Wan said politely. "Yes, well, I don't think it's a good idea to encourage his little band too much –"

"Asked them to perform at dinner every night, I have!" Yoda said, and waddled off towards his chambers. "Hehehe."

Obi-Wan twitched.

"You see what I mean, Kenobi?" Windu said when Yoda was gone.

Obi-Wan was just going nod, but then thought about Anakin and his band performing every night for dinner, and felt something snap.

"You wouldn't mind if someone bumped him off, you say?" Obi-Wan murmured.

Windu stared, then laughed. "I like you, Kenobi."

Oh my Force, thanks for that couldn't stop laughing