Saga The Phantom Menace Humorous Version-Repost 2010(humor, silliness)

To the mods--
BTW thank you for making it easier earlier by allowing me to make longer posts. I didn't quite realize you were doing that just for me so I didn't thank you. Please forgive me for that bit of ungratefulness on my part.

Originally posted by: Darth Maul's Half Brother betw. Sun., 6/13/99 and Thurs., 6/24/99

JAB-JAB: No! No! Mesa stay! Mesa yos humbule comic relief!

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

JAB-JAB: Oh but it tis! Tis demunded byda guds! Tis a live debbett, tis.

LI-GON: (pauses) Say what?

JAB-JAB: Mesa stayin wit yous trought de whole entire moovie!

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

 

Originally posted by: Darth to the Waist, Purp betw. Sun., 6/13/99 and Thurs., 6/24/99.

<<Editor's note: This does not follow exactly the compilation done so well by Purp on Geocities but includes something from a poster that Purp did not include. I include it here.>>

Suddenly the sound of blaster fire is heard from the back right corner of the theater. LI-GON and JAB-JAB turn to see OB-EWAN being chased by some TINKER DRONES riding STAPLERS.

LI-GON: Get down! (pushes Jab-Jab to the ground and destroys the two STAPLERS with his brightsaber.)

LI-GON: What's wrong, Ob-Ewan? Why didn't you use your saber against the STAPLERS?

OB-EWAN: I can't tell you that, Master.

LI-GON: Why not?

OB-EWAN: That scene didn't make the final cut.

 

If anyone has a copy of the original TPM HV please PM me a link to it or I will give you my email and you can email it to me. Thanks-study.

 

[Note I am the author of the following part of the story pasted here to supply the definciency. If anyone has a copy of the original TPM HV please PM me and I will repost that. If I cannot obtain a copy of TPM HV, I will reconstruct TPM HV from there, largely from memory.-study

JAB-JAB: You saved my again!

1. OB-EWAN: What's this?
   
   LI-GON: A nonexistant character voiced by Ahmed Best. Let's get out of here!
   
   They move off.
   
   JAB-JAB: Exqueese me!
   
   They keep running, Jab-Jab trying to keep up.
   
   JAB-JAB: HEY YOUSA!
   
   They stop running.
   
   LI-GON(Impatiently) : Yes?
   
   JAB-JAB: I know a safe place yous can go, but I can't take you there. GlubGlub City. Tis a hidden city. I can never go back.
   
   LI-GON: Then why are you telling us about it?
   
   JAB-JAB: So yousa can say funny things to scare mesa.
   
   LI-GON: You hear that?
   
   JAB-JAB: Ya.
   
   LI-GON: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things coming to get medieval on you.
   
   OB-EWAN: If you don't take us to the city, we're not going to wait for those thousand terrible things to get here.
   
   JAB-JAB: Yousa point is...well seen. This way, follow my!
   
   
   
2. EXT-NUHBOO-SWAMP-EDGE OF LAKE -BREAKING DAWN-PART 2
   
   The two Jedi and the GlubGlub come to the edge of a lake.
   
   JAB-JAB: Wesa going under water now, okeyday?
   
   JAB-JAB climbs onto a diving board set up at the waters edge. He gives a yell as he gracefully does a double somersault with a half twist and dives into the water. Near the lake, three JUDGES hold up three SIGNS reading 10, 9.5 and 8.
   
   OB-EWAN and LI-GON give each other a look, then pull out their Jedi Breathers.
   
   OB-EWAN: Holy Plot Convenience, JediMan.
   
   LI-GON: Into the water, Boy Padawan.
   
   Breathers on, the Jedi wade in after JAB-JAB.
   
   
   
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
   If you have any talent for humor at all, I invite one and all to continue here from where i left off. I am looking for fresh new ideas and material. As much as the first part resembled the original somewhat, my vision is for the finished product to be nearly entirely different from the original. I wish you all a good and restful night/ or a good day depending on where you are in the world -Brent "study3600" Sohlden
   
   
   
3. EXT. NUHBOO LAKE - UNDERWATER
   
   LI-GON and OB-EWAN swim behind JAB-JAB. And swim. And swim, JAB -JAB never giving a thought as to how the JEDI are able to hold their breath this long, obviously not knowing about the breathers. OB-EWAN and LI-GON's robes are floating up all in all sorts of crazy ways above them, slowing them down with significant drag, allowing JAB-JAB to get way out in front. LI-GON and OB-EWAN use force-speed to burst forward to catch up. OB-EWAN realizes he forgot to clean out his breather from the last time he used it (in the swamp) and he begins to feel sick. They go on like this, JAB-JAB happily swimming along and whistling to himself (yes somehow he can whistle underwater), for about another half hour, OB-EWAN trying to keep down bile, and trying simultaneously not to spit his breather out when up in the distance is GLUB-GLUB CITY, an art-deco city of bubbles. JAB-JAB swims through the membranous wall of an opening and the JEDI follow.
   
   ‐--------
4. 
   http://boards.theforce.net/threads/revenge-of-the-sith-humorous-version-spoilers.19980768/ Revenge of the Sith Humorous Version -incomplete
   
   http://boards.theforce.net/threads/revenge-ot-the-sith-humorous-versioncontd.30602068/#post-30628642 ROTS HV CONT'D -incomplete
   
   http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...n-continued-continued.30628463/#post-30628518
   
   Attack of the Clones Humorous Version CONTD CONTD -incomplete
   
   http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...version-repost-2010-humor-silliness.30643704/
   
   TPM HV repost 2010 -incomplete, though that's my fault.
   
   I've searched. These are the only Humorous Versions left on the Internet. All others are gone. This is one of the main reasons why they need to be redone. The originals were never finished. Hopefully a read-through of some of the originals will inspire you to help write the redos. We shouldn't copy the originals. I admit the first part of this redo I borrowed a little too heavily from the original. But no more. This needs to be almost completely new, aside from a few names that just couldn't be replaced, these redos will be the new originals. It is my hope that all six movies get the same treatment that TPM got in 1999 when either Purp or Darth Vacuous posted the Phantom Menace Humorous Version special edition-a finished product- on the now defunct Yahoo! Geocities for all the world to see. We can do this. I know it will be a lot of fun for all involved. It will take work, but nothing worthwhile is easy. We can discuss ideas and work out plot details via pm or on the planning thread in resource. I wish you all a good day/night for now. God blbless.------‐---
   
   
5. 
   
6. 
   INT. GLUBGLUB CITY-SQUARE
   
   GLUBGLUBS in the square gawk when the bone-dry JEDI come through the membrane. Four GUARDS armed with taser-poles ride two-legged KABOOMS into the square. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN CARPALS, aim their tasers at the trio.
   JAB-JAB: Heysa derer Captain Carpals, Mes back!
   
   CARPALS: Noah Wylie, Jab-Jab. Yousa goin ta da Goblin Kingses. Yousa in a big pile of bantha pudu dis time.
   
   CAPTAIN CARPALS zaps JAB-JAB with 5,000 volts of electricity and he drops to the ground. CARPALS slaps cuffs on JAB-JAB.
   
   JAB-JAB: How wude!
   
   
   
7. INT. GLUB-GLUB CITY-HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM-GOBLIN KING'S JUDGMENT SEAT
   
   BOSS NATO, THE GOBLIN KING, sits on his judges' throne, surrounded by GLUB-GLUB OFFICIALS.
   LI-GON and OB-EWAN stand before him. Off to the side, JAB-JAB sulks, surrounded by GUARDS.
   
   BOSS NATO: I know who you are, Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Only you don't have a mountain, which makes you nothing, really. You know, there's a price for your head. Just your head, nothing attached.
   
   One of the OFFICIALS leans over and whispers into his ear.
   
   BOSS NATO: Oops, pardon me. Yousa cannot bees here. Dis army of mackaneeks up dere is you, weesaw.
   
   [I have to go for now, someone can complete this scene if they wish, or I can later, bye for now, -study]
   
   
8. LI-GON: A droid army is about to attack the NuhBOO. We must warn them.
   
   BOSS NATO: Weesa don't like the NuhBOO. What have they done for us? We used to be deir slaves. Thosa were bombad days gone past. Theysa tink deir better den us. They have deir laptops and deir smartphones and deir sattelite television. Dey think deir brains as big as da Einstein. And Isa don't even know whosa dat is.
   
   OB-EWAN: Once they take control of the surface they will take control of you.
   
   BOSS NATO: Mesa no tink so. Dey not know of ussen!
   
   Lion King music starts up.
   
   OB-EWAN: You and the NuhBOO form a symbiote circle of life in a hoop that never ends. When you die your bodies become grass, and the NuhBOO eat the grass, or at least their dogs and cats and cattle do. What goes around comes around. Do unto others what you would like to have done unto you and the world will be a better place. Peace love and flowers man.
   
   BOSS NATO: Enough of your philisophical mumbo jumbo. Wesa going to speed yous away.
   
   LI-GON(Waving his hand): We could use a transport.
   
   BOSS NATO: Wesa give yousa una Timbrel. The fastest way to get to da NuhBOO is going tru da planet's sore. Now, go!
   
   LI-GON: Thank you for your time, we leave in peace (bows).
   
   They start to leave and pass JAB-JAB, who beckons to them.
   
   JAB-JAB: Desa settin yousa up. Goin through the planet's sore is disgusting and smelly and dangerous...sa. Any help here would be hot.
   
   OB-EWAN: Master, we're short on time.
   
   LI-GON: What is to become of Jab-Jab Rinks here?
   
   BOSS NATO: Hesa to be sliced up and fed to the fishies for breaking the nocombackie rule, but so as not to upset the little kids in the audience, wesa say hesa to be...pyunished.
   
   LI-GON: I saved his life. He owes me what you call a life debit. Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.
   
   BOSS NATO: Rinksss, yous housa havsa nafsa lifey playee with dissen hissen nissen?
   
   JAB-JAB(nods): Uh, huh.
   
   BOSS NATO: Begone wit him! Good riddance....sa!
   
   JAB-JAB is released and as the three start to walk away, OB-EWAN looks at LIGON.
   
   OB-EWAN: Master, what's a timbrel?
   
   LI-GON: A small hand-drum. Hopefully, they are using the name to mean some type of submarine. Let's go.
   
   JAB-JAB: Count me outta dis one. Better dead here than deader in da sore. Oy! What mesa sayin!
   
   
   
9. EXT. GLUBGLUB CITY - UNDERWATER -SUB
   
   A circular hoop with a head of parchment stretched over it and bells and jangles fixed at intervals around it bursts out of the membrane of the Glubglub City hangar bay, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.
   
   ‐----------
10. If anyone is reading this and likes it, please speak up. I'd love to hear from you, it would be very encouraging. If anyone has a talent for humorous writing, or would like to try their hand at it, feel free to contribute to this story.-------------------
    
    
    
    
11. 
    http://boards.theforce.net/threads/esb-humorous-version-spoilers.203134/page-24#post-1697891
    
    Found another Humorous Version I thought was gone forever. :The Empire Strikes Back.
    
    
    http://boards.theforce.net/threads/star-wars-the-clown-wars-spoilers-humorous-version.30706356/
    
    Here's another.
    
    http://boards.theforce.net/threads/vector-prime-humorous-version-spoilers.186288/
    
    Vector Prime
12. Another reason we need to redo these: The TESB HV has no ending. Nor does the ROTJ, AOTC or ROTS HV.
    
    
    
    
13. 
    fistofthedarklordJedi Master
    Wow. I remember working on the ROTS HV...ten years ago...
    
    (
14. study3600Jedi Grand Master
    Note: I tried to make this as original as possible, and the scene is not complete. Have at it.
    
    INT. TIMBREL COCKPIT-UNDERWATER
    
    OB-EWAN is in the co-pilot seat, JAB-JAB guides the craft.
    
    JAB-JAB: Dis is nutsen!
    
    OB-EWAN: Master, why do we keep dragging these pathetic lifeforms along with us?...Here, take over.
    
    Whack
    
    LI-GON: He's a humanoid, with intelligence, just like you. He's not a pathetic lifeform.
    
    JAB-JAB: Hey, where wesa goin?
    
    OB-EWAN (nastily): Why don't you tell us? You're the navigator.
    
    Whack
    
    LI-GON: The Force will guide us.
    
    JAB-JAB: Ooo maxi big da force! Well dat smells stinkowiff!
    
    Whack
    
    OB-EWAN: Don't insult the Force you sniveling-
    
    Whack
    
    LI-GON: Don't strike our navigator. My apologies, Jab-Jab.
    
    OB-EWAN: Some navigator! He got us lost!
    
    Whack
    
    OB-EWAN grumbles.
    
    Whack
    
    LI-GON: Don't grumble. I don't like grumblers.
    
    OB-EWAN (Sighs): So why were you banished Jab-Jab?
    
    JAB-JAB: Mm. because I'm....clumsy. I boomed the gasser, then I crashed into the Goblin King's hay-blibber. Long story short.
    
    OB-EWAN: Run that by me again? You were banished for what?
    
    JAB-JAB: Booming the gasser and crashing into the King's hay-blibber.
    
    OB-EWAN: Oh, never mind.
    
    As the sub sloshes its way through the sore, a large fish starts to follow them.
    
    
    
15. I remember you fistofthedarklord! Nice to see a familiar face!
    
    
    
    
16. 
    "Well, I think the reason those threads failed is because people wanted to do the movies in order instead of all at once. (that was my reasoning, at least) There's absolutely nothing wrong with starting one of the other movies, it just may not get much attention. At least, I don't think it will. But hey, what do I know? Knock yourself out." -Purp in one of the Return of the Jedi Humerous Version threads.
    
    I think I need to open up the possibility of doing more than one Humorous Version at a time, to take Purp's advice. Up top I will edit my first post to say that anyone can start Episode II or Episode IV Humorous Version right now. I think Purp was right.
    
    [Edit- Oops I misread Purp's words. He said people wanted to do them in order, not people didn't want to do them in order. Then he said if we do them out of order people are not likely to pay much attention to them....I am going to go back to the OP and change it again. My mistake.
17. Suddenly there is a loud CRASH, and the little drum lurches to one side, jangling and ringing its bells fiercely. LI-GON looks around and sees a huge, luminous OPERA ANGLERFISH has hooked them with its long gooey tongue.
    
    LI-GON: Damn the fishies! Full speed ahead!
    
    Instead of full ahead, JAB-JAB turns the craft upside down and reverses it, then the sub flies into the mouth of the creature. OB-EWAN then angrily wrests the controls from JAB-JAB and the TIMBREL is released, and turned right-side up.
    
    JAB-JAB: Wesa free!
    
    OB-EWAN: No thanks to you!
    
    Whack
    
    As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws munching on the OPERA ANGLERFISH. The jaws belong to the incredible SANDY LEVIATHAN. The lights on the TIMBREL begin to flicker on and off in Morse code and the Bells and jangles start playing Jingle Bells as they sludge deper and deeper into the SORE.
    
    LI-GON: You know I could think of a pretty brilliant one-liner to use here but...nah, forget it.
    
    
    
18. INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP –BRIDGE
    
    NEWT and RUIN stand before a hologram of DARTH CHIN.
    
    NEWT: The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.
    
    CHIN: That’s good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. They will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.
    
    Suddenly there is a shrill ring. CHIN takes out his cell phone.
    
    CHIN (into phone): Yes, Lord Bludgeon, I’m a tad busy talking to my hapeless dupes right now. (Pause) Really? Well that’s interesting. (Laughs) Well doesn’t that beat all? Well I have to go, I have pressing business. (Pause) Yes, you too. (Pause) Ok. Bye.
    
    Hangs up, puts phone away.
    
    CHIN (cont’d): That was…an underling. Continue with your report.
    
    NEWT: The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.
    
    CHIN: Queen Imadoll is –
    
    Cell phone rings again. Chin answers it.
    
    CHIN (into phone): Yes, Cameo Valium, uh, I believe the Ambassadors you sent have just about completed their mission. I’ll give you a full report tomorrow. Bye!
    
    He hangs up and puts the phone away. NEWT and RUIN give each other quizzical looks.
    
    CHIN (Cont’d): -young and naïve. You will find-
    
    Cell phone rings again. Chin angrily answers.
    
    CHIN: WHAT DO YOU WANT LORD BLUDGEON?! ….. Oh…..Ooohhh..sorry about that. Yes I’ll take care of that as soon as possible….. Yes I will do that too. Ok. Bye.
    
    He hangs up, puts phone in robe.
    
    CHIN (Con’t): - controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well.
    
    NEWT: Uh…thank you, My Lord.
    
    DARTH CHIN fades away.
    
    RUIN: You didn’t tell him about the missing Jedi.
    
    NEWT: What are you, nuts? Let’s wait til we have something to report.
    
    ‐-----------
19. I have decided to try to make this HV, although it may be way different than the original TPM HV, consistent with all the other HV's on tf.n (as of 2021 AD)so a couple few things will be the same, everything else differentor I will just try to reconstruct the original from memory or a combo of both. That way we can keep the original ROTS HV, which I am currently working on, is open to replies, was started in 2005, and I still need plenty of help on. Also we can keep the ESB HV, and we can keep ROTJ HV, just finish it. Also we need to tack an ending onto ESB HV, which I have now done. Now I am working on the compilations on inkitt and on here and on my own website.. So this project will not take as much time as I originally thought it would, but it will still take a considerable amount of time and effort, and I cannot do it on my own. I have finished the AOTC HV compilation also. I will see if I can edit Darth Bludgeon's appearance in AOTC HV Cont'd Cont'd's name to Darth Small, as I am the author of the post with him in it, but nixed that idea because we all know Bludgeon is thenMAN! I must be horrible with grammar because the last four lines I have typed are underlined in red squiggly lines. Oh, well.

INT. TIMBREL COCKPIT-UNDERWATER

Sparks are flying, and water is leaking into the cabin, and the whole sub is going generally haywire. Then the sound of the power drive drops.

OB-EWAN: We're losing power.

Unintelligible screaming from JAB-JAB.

LI-GON places his hand on JAB-JAB's shoulder.

LI-GON: Relax.

JAB-JAB is knocked part of the way out.

OB-EWAN: I don't think you overdid it, Master.

OB-EWAN places his hand on JAB-JAB's shoulder and knocks him completely out.
With JAB-JAB out of commission and silent OB-EWAN is able to concentrate enough to fix the power.
Just when the power comes back on the sub's lights illuminate yet another big monster, the COLOR-ME CRAWFISH.

The sub escapes and the CRAWFISH pursues, but is eaten by the SANDY LEVIATHAN.

LI-GON: Ok, I'll say it now, I just can't hold it in any longer! There's always a bigger fish.

OB-EWAN: What, bigger than that Leviathan?

LI-GON: Well...maybe not.

JAB-JAB regains consciousness.

JAB-JAB: Wesa dead yet?

OB-EWAN: I wish.

Whack

LI-GON: Head for that outcropping.



EXT. TWEED-MAIN ROAD INTO TWEED -DAY

The long columns of the DROID ARMY move down the main road leading to Tweed, the NuhBOO capital.

EXT. TWEED PLAZA -DAY

As the QUEEN watches helplessly from a window in the palace, a transport carrying NEWT and RUIN lands in TWEED PLAZA. They exit the transport.

NEWT: Ah, Wictory!

Suddenly a bird swoops down and defecates on his head.

NEWT: Aw, crud!

RUIN points at him and laughs.

RUIN: Hahaha! A bird pooped on the Viceroy's head!

Just then a NuhBOO RESISTANCE FIGHTER takes a potshot at RUIN and shoots his big hat clean off.

RUIN: Aaagh! Get down! (He ducks.)

A BATTLE DROID quickly dispatches the RESISTANCE FIGHTER.

NEWT: Hahaha! Now your hat is ruined too. And you panicked while I just stood here! You're such a coward!

RUIN: Yeah, that may be so, but......A BIRD POOPED ON YOUR HEAD! HAHAHAHA!

Whack



EXT. THEED – ESTUARY- DAY

Paradise. Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. PULL BACK to reveal that this is just a mural and the SUB bobs up to the surface of an industrial waste pond.

JAB-JAB: This smells stinkowiff!

EXT.NUHBOO-TWEED-CASERTA PALACE-DAY

The waterfalls of Tweed sparkle in the noonday sun.

INT.NUHBOO-CASERTA PALACE-THRONE ROOM-DAY

QUEEN AMIDALLA SOME BABBLER, and FIVE OF HER HANDMAIDENS, SLEEPY, PATME (AHA!), DOPEY, SNEEZY AND DOC, are surrounded by TWENTY TINKER DRONES. CAPTAIN SHATNER and FOUR NUHBOO GUARDS are also held at gunpoint. NEWT and RUIN stand in the middle of the room.

BABBLER:...how will you explain this invasion of yours to the Senate?

NEWT:The NuhBOO and I will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I'm assured it will be ratified in the Senate.

AMIDALLA: I will not co-operate.

NEWT: Now, now, your highness..why do you think I said FORGE a treaty? Commander.

OOM-PAH:Yes, Sir!

NEWT: (Attempting to sound sinister): Process them.

OOM-PAH: (Turns to his Sergeant) Take them to Camp 4.

TINKER DRONE: Roger roger, roger.

The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.

EXT. NUHBOO-TWEED- CASERTA PALACE-DAY

As AMIDALA, PATME and the other FOUR HANDMAIDENS and SOME BABBLER are led away, LI-GON, OB-EWAN and JAB-JAB see them from a WALKWAY above the PLAZA.

LI-GON and OB-EWAN leap down and open a can of whoopa** on the TINKER DRONES.

JAB-JAB: Mesa just hangs from the side and be of no help to yousa.

OB-EWAN impresses the ladies with his excessively flashy fighting moves. After the DRONES are dispatched, OB-EWAN lights a cigarette and asks Governor Babbler if he has any smack.

JAB-JAB: Yousa Jedi Bombad!

LI-GON: We should leave the streets, your highness.

They move between two buildings.

LI-GON: Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme Cameo.

BABBLER (nastily): Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.

LI-GON: Their response, it didn't thrill us. They locked the doors and tried to kill us. Your Highness, we must make contact with the Republic

KIRK: (Steps forward) They've knocked out........all our......communications.

LI-GON: Where do you keep your transports?

KIRK: In the main.....hangar.....where.....do you keep your transports?

They disappear down an alleyway as the ALARMS are sounded.

 

This thread died in the murky depths of the Planet's sore. Now I'm bringing it on up from them . And since I cannot just send 'up anymore, thoughts? Feedback? How do you like Speak Vac and Purp's brainchild which I like Victor Frankenstein am trying to reanimate but this is no monster.

Also I worked on The Return of The Jedi Humorous Version today both before, during work on my mealbreak, and after work, all on my smartphone. I am devoted to this work guys. Is there anyone out there reading these? Speak up. I want to know someone cares. Thanks. I would appreciate your comments. Onward to Episode 9 Humorous Version and beyond! Ya!