Saga Vader's Blog: The Rest of the Story -Humor, AU *Updated 3/15/13* (Smoke)

Title: Darth Vader's Blog: The Rest of the Story
Author(s): Bale with credit given to @-RebelScum-
Timeframe: General Classic Era
Characters: Vader, Palpatine, General Veers, & others
Genre: Humor
Summary: This was inspired by the great posts by @-RebelScum- doing Emperor Palpatine's personal blog. http://boards.theforce.net/threads/emperor-palpatines-true-side-a-look-at-his-blog-update-7-30-05.19550769/]Palpatine's[/url] Blog
This thread will reveal Vader's blog and show what "really happened."

 

Subject: The 7 Year Itch
Security: Public
Mood: Mischevious

Being the apprentice to the ruler of the known galaxy has a lot of downsides. I hate always having to kiss up to that wrinkled half-wit. But on occasion it does have its upsides. So I call Palps the other day, he tends to get suspicious if I don?t call at least twice a day. Anyway, he tells me this story about making Prince Xizor drink some sour blue milk. I laughed so hard I just about burnt out the motor on the suit?s respirator. Wonder if Palps found those womp rat fleas I left in his cloak yet? Time to check in with the old man again, gotta run.

 

Subject: Laundry day
Security: Public
Mood: Embarrassing

So the other day I was bored so I decide to brighten my day by picking on Veers. I?m telling him how he couldn?t hit the broadside of a shield generator when Palps calls me. Says he?s got a hot date and needs his laundry done. Well, my ewok underoos needed washed so I just threw his stuff in the wash with mine. So I give him his laundry and the next thing I know he starts ranting and raving about how I ruined his lucky cowl. Personally I think he was hopped up on Kaduu Kruchies again. As it turns out the cowl was hand was only. How was I supposed to know? It?s not like I can read through this friggin mask!

Well, the old man is ticked. I haven?t seen him this mad since he found a Yoda toy in his cereal box. So he?s taken away my killing privileges for the month and is making me wear some pink sweater that says ?#1 Tyrant.?


Note: More entries to come. Check back soon.

 

Pretty good, some advice though, make the entrees a little longer.

-The Scummy-

 

Subject: Sith Lords Do Not Wait in Lines
Security: Public
Mood: Kleptic

As continued punishment for the whole cowl debacle Palps made me do his grocery shopping the other day. So I was standing in the express line, which by that point had become longer than the line for purgatory. The stupid teenage boy running the cash register was only thinking about the stupid teenage running the other register. The lady at the head of the line had 20 items despite the fact that it clearly says ?12 items or less.? Then she pulls out a novel of coupons and proceeded to argue the price of the Kaadu Krunchies. So once she realized that it was in-fact not ?double coupon day? she held us all up while she searched in vain for exact change, like she was going to win some ?Exact Change Lottery? or something. Patience has never been my strongpoint so lets just say they need clean-up in aisle 4.

But, for some good news Killing privileges have been restored. Turns out I had the only copy of the season finale of ?Its an Ewok World? in the galaxy. I guess the old man missed it so we made a little deal. I?m still mad about the pink sweater so I think I?m gonna erase the ending before I give it to him.

 

This blog is awesome. I can't stop laughing

 

Subject: Bake sale
Security: Public
Mood: Cheeky

So Palps organized some galaxy wide bake sale. He claims it was to raise money to clean up Coruscant?s sidewalks, but really I think it because he wants a new speederbike. We took the training boosters off the old one so now he?s ready for a ?big boy? bike. Anyway, so I?m running the Darth Maul face-painting booth and I watched as the old man obliged the crowd with ?Ask Palpy.? A nice gesture where he grants three people their wishes. Well, the first two go off without a hitch, but then the third person was an adorable six year old . I swear I know her from somewhere. Her name was Leia something or other. The little asks for galactic peace. Palps appeased her and told her, ?We?re working on that.? Well, afterward he?s furious says she?s going to be his new hobby, ? lost job application there, a college turning her down there, that sort of stuff. Still wish I could figure out where I know her from. Oh well, better her than me.

 

HAHAHA This is too funny!! MORE MORE PLEASE!!

 

Subject: No Party, Like a Vader Party
Privacy: Public
Mood: Sunny

What?s the point of being the dark lord of the Sith if you can?t have a little fun with the ladies? So I threw one of my legendary parties the other day. It was a great party, even had a Yoda shaped piñata. Juvenile, I know but it impresses the ladies to show that you can swing a big stick. Well, not wanting to be outdone Palps decides he?s going to take a few swings. The old man grabbed the stick and his hands are twitching like he?s hopped up on Kaddu Krunchies again. He takes a few swings and misses everytime. He tries to redeem himself by pulling the lightsaber out of his sleeve, aptly named, ?The Yoda Been Bad stick.? He takes a few more swings- - still nothing. Finally he gets mad enough, busts the piñata with some Force Lightning then takes all the candy and storms out. He?s such a poor loser.

Vader out

 

Subject: This Job Does Have Its Moments
Privacy: Public
Mood: Hysterical

I would?ve posted sooner, but I finally burnt out the respirator motor laughing so hard. The other day I just finished playing a rousing game of Battlefront, of course my team was full of n00bs so we lost the Geonosis battle. I know those friggin droids use haxx. Already ticked off I checked my e-mail. As usual there was one from Palps labeled EMERGENCY! To him everything is an emergency, but I read it anyway. It Turns out the guy was stuck in a bathroom stall w/ no T.P. Hmm? wonder if it had anything to do w/ the Ex-lax I slipped into his Wookiee Cookies at the bake sale? You?d think the ruler of the known galaxy would have foreseen that. What a shmuck! They?re few and far between, but this job does have its moments.

Gotta run, Palps is stuck in an elevator and needs my help. I?ll be right over there as soon as I finish this e-mail to him. A little Vader-Virus should stop his spamming for a bit.

Vader out.

 

You're killing me here!

 

Subject: The Fuzzy Incident
Security: Public
Mood: Allergic

Palps has this cat, or rather I should say had . . . The old guy was out of town for a few days and made me watch the little furball for him. I hate cats almost as much as I hate younglings! Not to mention my allergies! The cat hair gives me an asthma attack and my eyes get all watery and turn yellow. Fortunately the new respirator motor is working great. So I was watching the cat and trying to read the paper, checking podrace times, and shockball scores, when the cat started pawing at me and wouldn?t leave me alone. I tried shooing it away, but the cat was persistent. All the cat hair started clogging up the respirator filter so I went to change it when the little fuzzball jumped on my chest and hit the reset button on the respirator. I got the respirator working again and used a little Force Push to teach it a lesson. The cat was coming for me again and I wasn?t going through that ordeal again. So, I sent the cat on a little trip, ala Windu style if you catch my drift.

Of course with my luck Palps just called and asked how the cat is doing. Panicked I told him the cat was sleeping. Not sure how I?m going to get out of this one. . . .
*********************************************************************************************



Subject: The Fuzzy incident Part II
Security: Public
Mood: Relieved

I didn?t become the dark lord of the Sith by being an idiot. I know Palps loves the cat. So the genius I am, I went to the pet store and bought a new cat. Of course they?re out of black ones, but no matter, a little black paint goes a long way.

The old man got back and I showed him Fuzzy was okay. The cat was sleeping on his desk. I got up to give the cat a treat, and tossed the treat out the window. Of course the cat jumped out after it. The cat is as dumb as he is.

?Oops. Sorry, Master. Guess I don?t know my own strength.?

Hehe . . .crisis avoided. Gotta run. Palps gave me some security tapes to look over. .

 

I hate cats almost as much as I hate younglings! <-- comedy gold!!

UH OH!! The security tapes.....

Can we say...BUSTED!!

 

I have to change my underwear

 

Subject: Always Two There Are. No More . . .No less.
Security: Public
Mood: Redeemed

Well, the old man isn?t as dumb as he looks sometimes. It turns out the security tapes were from his apartment and he caught the whole Fuzzy incident on tape. So imagine my surprise when Palpatine shows up at my place with Fuzzy alive and kicking. Well . . . sort of he?s basically in a walking life-support suit. Despite what they say, mockery is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stunned, I dropped the rather expensive vase I was holding, a gift from some magazine for winning Bad-Man of the Year.

To add insult to injury he dubbed the cat Darth Furry and made me duel the cat, saying something about rules and ?always two there are . . ..?

The cat walked over to me and relieved himself on my boots, which I?d spent hours polishing. Me! Darth Vader, the dark lord of the Sith. The Chosen One, reduced to fighting a mere cat! Well, I?m nothing if not ruthless so I pulled out my saber, trusty ol? ?Obi Be Gone.?

?I?ve been waiting for you Fuzzy. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you I was the allergy sufferer. Now I am on Benadryl.?

I went to ignite my saber and much to my surprise the batteries were dead. I tried hitting it a couple of times, but it just flickered. I knew I should have used Energizer!

Then the cat jumped on me and hit the respirator reset button yet again. So I started twitching and having convulsions. Once the system reset I was sitting there hunched over trying to catch my breath, but managed to use a little Force Push on Fuzzy.

?Your powers are weak feline. You should not have come back.?

?Careful Darth, if you strike him down he shall become more allergenic than you can possibly imagine.? The Emperor says.

At this point the old man started laughing hysterically. He started laughing so hard he was shooting out Force Lightning. The power in the building started flickering and the whole apartment was aglow. Unfortunately for Furry the volts were a little more than he could handle.

The look on the old man?s face was priceless once he realized what he had done. Then he turned to me and said, ?It was only natural. He ruined your boots and you wanted revenge. It wasn?t the first time, Vader, remember what you told me about Commander Cody and the yellow snow on Rhen Var.

Only Palpatine could manage to pin the blame on me. Oh well, Fuzzy is no more. Indeed I am the Chosen One!

Vader out.

 

Just found this, and it's bloody hilarious!

The cat walked over to me and relieved himself on my boots, which I?d spent hours polishing. Me! Darth Vader, the dark lord of the Sith. The Chosen One, reduced to fighting a mere cat! Well, I?m nothing if not ruthless so I pulled out my saber, trusty ol? ?Obi Be Gone.?

?I?ve been waiting for you Fuzzy. We met again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you I was the allergy sufferer. Now I am on Benadryl.?

I went to ignite my saber and much to my surprise the batteries were dead. I tried hitting it a couple of times, but it just flickered. I knew I should have used Energizer!


LMAO

More!

 

This is hilarious! A perfect companion to Palpy's blog!

 

Subject: Palpy?s kids
Security: Public
Mood: Annoyed

Palpatine is still upset about Fuzzy. As a little payback he?s making do some charity work for his organization Palpy?s Kids. His P.R. guys keep telling him he needs to improve his public image so a couple years ago he set up the organization to help orphaned kids. Oh, the horror! I hate kids!

So I made an appearance and the kids were such brats. The Aid told me I should read them a story. So I started to read them a nice little story about Darth Plagueis the Wise, a personal favorite of mine. Then the little brats started acting up, pulling my cape, pushing buttons on the respirator, trying to take the mask off. One little asked if she could sit on my lap and I told her no. Then the little brat kicked me in the shin and said, ?I hate you.?

How?s that dolly working out for you without her right hand sweetheart??

So I tried to read more of the story when some other brat, who looked an awful lot like Palpatine by the way, started interrupting.

?Why do you breathe funny??

?Well, you see . . .?

?Can I wear your cape??

?No.?

?Can I wear your helmet??

?No.?

?Can I see your lightsaber??

?No.?

?Can I see your lightsaber??

?No.?

?Can I see your lightsaber??

?No.?

?Can I see your lightsaber??

A little Force Choke shut him up for a few minutes. Then he was at it again.

?Can I see your lightsaber??

?No.?

?Can I see your lightsaber??

Finally, I said, ?Fine, here!? and gave it to him.

Hehe . . . poor kid.

After that it was smooth sailing. I finished the story and left. Have I mentioned I hate kids? Fortunately I don?t have any of my own. Palps is calling, gotta run.

Vader out.

 

?I?ve been waiting for you Fuzzy. We met again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you I was the allergy sufferer. Now I am on Benadryl.?

I went to ignite my saber and much to my surprise the batteries were dead. I tried hitting it a couple of times, but it just flickered. I knew I should have used Energizer!

Then the cat jumped on me and hit the respirator reset button yet again. So I started twitching and having convulsions. Once the system reset I was sitting there hunched over trying to catch my breath, but managed to use a little Force Push on Fuzzy.

?Your powers are weak feline. You should not have come back.?

?Careful Darth, if you strike him down he shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.? The Emperor says. <---- THAT WAS TOO MUCH HAHAHHAHA!!

And the kid must have ignited the lightsaber wrong side up!! Sucks to be the kid hahaha!!

 

Then the little brats started acting up, pulling my cape, pushing buttons on the respirator, trying to take the mask off.

The last entry is really funny! Palpy's Kids. Lol!

 

*ROFLMFAO*

GREAT STUFF! Vader's such a ****.

 

Subject: Ben Kenobi, Forceology
Security: Public
Mood: Tickled Pink

Oh how the mighty hath fallen!

After the failure of the Jedi Order Obi-Wan Kenobi changed his name to Ben and pursued an acting career starring in such films as: A Few Good Jawas, Top X-Wing, and The Last Jedi.

Last month he started dating Sabe, an actress 16 years his junior. Personally I think it?s just a publicity stunt because he knows my movie is better than his. Anyway, while promoting his latest movie War of the Galaxies the wizard has shown just what a crazy old man he really is.

It started with an appearance on Okra, a highly respected talk show. Okra asked him about the relationship with Sabe and he started jumping up and down, pounding his fists, swinging his lightsaber about, talking about how he?s never been so in love, blah, blah, blah, . . .

Then out of the blue he starts ripping on me about my use of anti-depressants and the Dark Side of the Force following the loss of my wife.

"When someone says 'medication' has helped them it is to cope,? he says. "Medication doesn't cure anything! There is no science behind the Dark Side! To pretend otherwise is criminal. There is nothing on Yoda?s green galaxy that can cure Paxil-popping junkies like Vader except faith, vitamins, exercise, and high colonics. Disease and death, these are the paths to the Dark Side. Once you start down that path forever will it domminate your destiny!"

Whatever Obi-Wan Kaboozer! Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the Dark Side as you do. I have brought peace, justice, freedom, and security to my new Empire.

About a week after that aired he was in Theed for the premiere of his new flick. He was in the plaza outside the movie theatre when a man squirted him with a water blaster disguised as a microphone.

I just about soiled my ewok underoos laughing at that.

Then, instead of giving in to his anger like any sane person would do he started to laugh but then asked, ?Why would you do that? Do you like thinking less of people, is that it? Don?t run away. That?s incredibly rude. I?m here giving you an interview and you do that ... it?s incredibly rude, you?re a jerk.?

A Jedi may not be allowed to love, but apparently they are allowed to make an a** of themselves. Makes me think I did those younglings a favor.

Well, his comments about me ignited a firestorm in the press and it became the topic of conversation during his appearance during a morning news/talk show. Yet again he managed to show just how ignorant the Jedi are:

?I've never agreed with the Dark Side of the Force, ever. Before I was a Jedi I never agreed with it. and when i started studying the history of the Dark Side, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in it.?

?And as far as the Vader thing is, look. You gotta understand, I really care about Vader. He was like a brother to me. I-- I think here's a-- a-- a wonderful and talented Sith Lord. And-- I wanna see him do well. And I know that?the Dark Side is-- is a pseudo science.?

A pseudo science! You underestimate my power! I hate you!

I?ll be waiting for him . . .

Vader Out.

 

Hilarious!

 

There is nothing on Yoda?s green galaxy that can cure Paxil-popping junkies like Vader except faith, vitamins, exercise, and high colonics. Disease and death, these are the paths to the Dark Side. Once you start down that path forever will it te your destiny!" <-- HAHA Vader is a druggie!!

 

Y'know, Vader reminds me of someone there, but I juuuust can't place it ...