Saga You don't own me: or, Why I don't like straw [H/L starring in an Extreme Drama]

Title: You don't own me: or, Why I don't like straw
Characters: Leia, Han, Wedge, some OCs.
Timeframe: Sometime during the rebellion.
Summary: What Leia has to go through for the rebellion. Good thing Han, and Wedge, are there to help out.
Notes: I would explain this story, but--I'm not sure I can.


The dare, by IrishEyedJedi:

--Leia has to ride bareback on a white horse

--The only weapons that can be used are vibroswords

--While hiding from the bad guys Leia and Han have sex in a barn.

--Neither Han or Leia can die and they must be a couple throughout the entire piece.

--They also must ride off into the sunset in a cliched movie way.


And so, without further ado:



You don't own me: or, Why I don't like straw


The horse was white. Not just white, but cleaner than an animal had any right to be. It was snow white, foam white. Luckily, it was docile, and Leia was grateful for that. There was not a saddle in the whole kriffing area, so she had to ride bareback. She didn’t have much of a choice, and at least she was able to remember her long ago riding lessons back on Alderaan. She wasn’t doing too badly, either. It helped that she had refused to wear the dress the Queen had suggested, made up of lace and not much else. She was wearing a practical riding skirt, hitched up. Needless to say, Leia was not riding sidesaddle.

Winter. If she were here, she would frown. Or rather: she would allow her lips to just twitch, since she wouldn’t actually tell Leia she did not approve. When they had learnt to ride, the Old Mistress with her horsy, whinnying thighs had insisted that they learn to ride sidesaddle. Ha.

Leia had never been able to hide what she thought.

Oh, the Old Mistress had been so upset, and more than one time.

Leia had her good qualities, but patience (Her parents used to sigh, though they hadn’t really minded) wasn’t among them.

It was Winter who was regal. Winter, with her rain pale hair and echoing mind, who stayed patient with fools, idiots, and nerf herders. She never gagged, even when she was officially a little girl, at the smell that gave them their reputation. Leia had never wanted to know as much as her friend did. Of course, she would remember each and every riding lesson, each dragging slow minute, each time Leia fell, scraping her knee and growling. Each time the other girls fell, and the Mistress came galloping over.

The horse batted its purple eyes.

That was right. The horse had purple eyes, with long, long eyelashes. When it whinnied, it sounded like delicate, far away bells.

It was simply too much.

Then it startled at something or other out in the surrounding forests, and Leia bumped up and down along with it before she calmed it again. She tried to relax. She needed to relax. Her teeth were starting to hurt. She looked around, but there wasn’t anything out there. At least, she couldn’t see anything.

“Well, Han,” she said, keeping her voice quiet and hidden. “I’m going to hope that you handle this horse as well as you do nerfs.”

*

Han was waiting for her over at the Castle, the official residence of the Queen of Ceilon. They had just arrived on the planet several days before. Ceilon was a backwater, a soggy forest planet in the ass end of space. It was pretty, Han would grant it that. At least the parts he had seen so far were, and that wasn’t much. Wedge was with him, and they had used up too many hours looking at the scenery. There certainly wasn’t much else to do.

Yes, Ceilon was an unimpressive planet, but their government had indicated that they might, just might, contribute a considerable number of ships to the Rebellion’s fleet. When Mon Mothma heard of that, she had sent her pet girl there so fast, Han remembered the hyperspace trip in a daze.

That was Mon Mothma for you.

“At least you’re sending me," he said to her before they left. “I’ll be ready to use the old charm on the Queen if I have to.”

Mon Mothma had just looked at him, though General Dodonna had chuckled, so quietly only Han heard him. “Quite,” she said.

Well, she was a middle aged virgin, married to politics and her rebellion, and she had made it clear, without saying anything, that she did not approve of Leia’s relationship with Han. It was Luke who believed that she didn’t disapprove as much as she needed them to think. The kid was nice like that.

So Han and Wedge waited. Chewie was staying back with their ship in the nearby village. There was a reason for that. Because, in her rush to obtain those precious ships, there were certain things Mon Mothma hadn’t heard about Ceilon.

“Captain Solo!”

It was the Queen. She came into the room, making sure everyone, everyone being Han and one of her advisors, was watching her. Her retinue of sullen faced handmaidens followed her. Han had yet to hear any of them speak, and he wondered if they had had their tongues removed. He’d heard of that, and despite its considerable shipyards, the planet was just that primitive. The Queen smiled at him, even if it was cold, haughty, and yes, regal. He hadn’t been wrong when he told Mon Mothma about the ability of his charm.

It actually worked. It had taken him a while to realize the Queen was attempting to flirt with him. She was perhaps twenty. She had inherited (Leia had looked it all up) her title from her recently dead mother. She was tall, and wore an elaborate black dress with dripping lace cuffs. Her face was powdered white, and she had pointed purple fingernails. Charming.

“Your Highness,” Han said. He could play pretty when he needed to. He gave her a slight bow. Yes, Leia was right. But it was too easy to play her.

“Has Mistress Organa returned yet?”

“No,” said Han. “I just spoke with her about ten minutes ago. She’s borrowed a horse from the Duke. That was all he was able to spare. She should be here within the hour.”

The Queen nodded. She made a sign to one of her handmaidens, who slipped out of the room. “I am glad to hear that. I realize that you were not prepared for the severity of our situation, Captain Solo. But if things continue as they have been… We may not have any ships left to give your rebellion.”

“Fear not, Your Highness,” the Advisor hurried to say. “I am sure that they shall do all they can to assist us.”

“Of course,” said Han. “If you cry for help, we just have to answer.”

The Queen looked puzzled. Han shrugged. He hadn’t even really tried to be funny, but then the Queen couldn’t tell. She had no sense of humor. It must come from being more of a doll than a woman, a human being.

*

At last. Leia saw the Castle getting closer and closer. It looked just as it had the day they had arrived. That was when they had learned of the situation. No, they weren’t going to be so lucky as to make nice with the Queen, arrange the ship order, and leave. Oh, no. It turned out that one of the Barons was leading a rebellion against the Queen. According to Leia’s rushed studies, planet wide rule had never been fully accepted here. The Queen’s mother had crushed several rebellions in her day. The traitors’ heads had been stuck on spikes outside the City of Night, the capital city one hundred kilometers to the South.

It was the Queen who was now left with the consequences of her mother’s actions. She had died, Leia had just learned, in battle, after she refused to let her handmaiden take on her armor, and her place.

Wedge was waiting for her.

“Her Highness was asking about you, Leia,” he said.

“I’ll bet. Where’s Han?”

“Right here, Oh Your Worshipfulness,” said Han. Leia managed to smile at him as she got down from the horse. It stayed where it was, perfectly, and frighteningly well behaved. Leia’s thighs were so sore she wanted to whimper. Oh, she was so tired she was going to start drooling. But she’d made it.

“Well, well,” said Han. “Now, that is a horse.”

“Oh, shut up,” Leia said, or slurred. She shook her head. Then she kissed Han on the mouth, tilting him back and catching him by surprise.

Wedge politely looked away, grinning.

“Now that that’s over with,” said Han. “How was your journey on… Fluffy here? I hope he didn’t bite you, because you would have had to bite him back.”

“I didn’t touch that horse. Honest,” said Leia. “It went as well as I expected, though not as well as I might have hoped. Now, I suppose I should go inside and deal with Her Highness. Han, you can come and help me out. You know-- I think the Queen just needs some more scoundrels in her life.”

“Don’t we all,” said Han.

They went into the main hall, where they found one of the Queen’s handmaidens. She had been waiting. Leia noticed, for the first time, that she wore the gold Ring of Service on her marriage finger. She had read about that. It could not be removed until the wearer was released from her duty, or died. The girl was actually pretty, now that they noticed her (Han and Wedge could not help but think that). Her face was powdered like the Queen’s. She wore a limp flower tied in her elaborate hair, and there was a pearl necklace tight around her throat.

The pearls that supposedly changed black if the wearer lost her virginity, Leia remembered. The handmaidens were sworn to chastity… Leia shook her head. Really. This was not the time to remember her cultural studies.

“Yes?” said Leia.

She spoke. (So, Han thought, she has a tongue after all.) “The Queen wishes to see you, Lady Organa. Now. It is a matter of some urgency. The Baron is but a day away from the Castle. He has sent a message ahead. He means to have the Queen’s head on a pike before the sun dies tomorrow.”

*

When they were alone in their assigned rooms, Leia was finally able to say what she had wanted to during the entire conference with the Queen. “Let the Baron have her head, if he wants it so badly! I came here to aid the Rebellion. Not to fight some war I don’t even understand.”

"I know, Princess,” said Han. “I know.”

“We need those ships, Leia,” said Wedge. “That’s the problem. The Queen knows we need something she has. She’s got the upper hand here. Plus, she’s desperate, and desperate beings will do whatever they must to survive.”

“Right,” said Leia. There was nothing else to be said. She had devoted her life to the Rebellion far too long to stop now. After her parents, and her aunts, and nearly everyone she knew had died, blown into nothing in one endless, wretched, numb second, she hadn’t had anything else. She needed the Rebellion. She needed Mon Mothma’s approval too much. She would do what she had to.

*

When the Baron took the Castle, Leia and Han were hiding in the Royal Barn. It smelled of mud and animal droppings, though the stalls were empty. Wedge had helped the Queen and her handmaidens hide in an undisclosed location—Leia knew it was better that she and Han know as little as possible about that. To be safe. They were up in a loft, waiting for what might happen. Leia felt the hilt of her vibrosword. That was the only weapon they could get, and she was not pleased. And oh, Han was not in a good mood.

“Of all the times not to have a blaster…” he said. “If that Baron steps one foot inside this place, I’m gonna rip his heart out. With my teeth!”

“Not if I get there first,” said Leia. “Kriff. Where is Chewie when you really need him? He could rip his arms off. We could take care of his heart.”

“Princess!” said Han. “And I was under the impression that Alderaanians were peaceful and loving. Every last one of them. Now, we Corellians…”

“Well, I’ve been tested,” said Leia. “Besides, did you ever actually meet any Alderaanians? Besides me?”

“A few,” said Han.

And nothing else, as they heard a rustling outside. They ducked even further down. Silence. Leia could hear her heart pounding in her ears. She swallowed. It was so-- awful, just lying in that loft, her face pressed too close to the itching, everywhere straw. Her mood got even worse. They waited, and slowly, slowly, a door creaked open down below them.

Pause.

Then: “Yooo-hooo,” said a man’s voice. The Baron?

It was so unbelievably stupid that Leia almost laughed, despite the fact that the Baron had to be heavily armed. She heard his footsteps clump around. It seemed he wasn’t alone. “I’ll get you, my pretty!” he called out.

Oh, that did it. Leia controlled her laughter only through force of will, and she could feel Han do the same. “Someone’s been reading too many melodramas in his spare time,” she said as quietly as she could.

“You don’t own me, Your Highness,” the Baron sing-songed. “I’m not a little toy you can just play with. I’m not your dollie… I can rule my own continent without any help from you, you little twit!”

Finally, they heard the door slam shut as the Baron left. They laughed. They fell back in a huge pile of straw, laughing and laughing. Possibly, it was because they had been so scared, even if they (especially Han, Leia thought, but she felt the same way) weren’t about to admit it. That was when Han kissed her. He wasn’t surprised when she kissed him back, as hard as she could.

“So, nothing wrong with the location?” he said. “The time?”

“Hell, Han,” said Leia. “When we leave this barn, we might die. We don’t know what’s out there. This is no time to turn proper.”

*

And they kissed again, and…

(The editor interrupts in order to provide privacy for Han and Leia. Besides, would you really want Leia angry at you? I thought not. So let’s not intrude into this special scene, but if you truly want to know just how dominating our proper princess can be, and how they define proper on Alderaan and similar worlds, send 20 credits to: Erzibet Sleazebaggano, Level 20, Imperial Center. Thank you.)

*

Later, it was quiet outside. Leia’s skin itched all over with straw. She hated straw. Really, really hated it. It had gotten inside all of her clothes, and was scratching and biting at her like insects. Oh, well. She would ignore it. She looked at Han, and smiled. She drew her vibroblade, and blew him a kiss.

“Let’s do this, nerf herder,” she said. “Whatever’s out there, I expect you to make it out alive. You hear?”

“It looks like I don’t have a choice,” said Han.

They slipped out of the loft, and into the barn, and out the door into the blazing, annoying cheerful sunshine. They completely surprised the Baron’s men who were waiting, if not for them, than whoever just happened to be in the barn. Ordinarily, Leia hated killing. She knew that when you killed another being, and made it into nothing but an empty body, you killed something in yourself. A part of your soul, if that’s what you believed in.

Now, like too many other times, she had no choice.

When it was over, Han had been skimmed by a blaster bolt, but was otherwise unharmed. “Well, you said I had to live, Princess.”

“Right,” said Leia. “Good boy.”

“Leia! Han!”

It was Wedge. He was coming towards them, along with one of the handmaidens. It might have been the girl they had talked to before the audience with the Queen. They would never be certain. Her hair was loose, and she was clutching her vibrosword. It was clear, very clear that she knew how to use it.

“How goes it, Wedge,” said Han.

“Well enough. The Baron’s dead. The Advisors managed to lock up his followers in one of the audience chambers. Don’t ask how, I don’t know.” Wedge shrugged, and patted his vibrosword. What a weapon. “The Queen has put the fear of all their gods, and then some, into them. She’s contacted the Baron’s second in command. When he heard his people wailing, he agreed to meet with the Queen. It looks like they’ll work this out.”

“So the Baron is dead,” said Leia. “Did you--”

“No, no,” said Wedge, just as the handmaiden said:

“No, I killed him.” Han looked at her, before he could hide his surprise. Leia smiled. That was Han for you. (Your editor chuckles. Bet you thought Han would kill the Baron! They certainly fooled you!) The handmaiden sheathed her vibroblade. “We’re trained as bodyguards,” she said. “But this is the first time we’ve actually used any of our training.”

“You certainly did,” said Wedge. “I saw them.”

“And the ships?” said Leia. She sat down. She was really, really, really exhausted, and it was a good thing that battle had ended when it did.

“I believe I can speak for the Queen,” said the handmaiden. “When she is not present, I am her voice. You shall have the ships we promised, Lady Organa.”

*

Several days later, Leia mounted her white horse again. She had to return to the village to let Chewie know they could leave. Wedge was staying behind at the Castle, and he had his reasons. (For example, he had mentioned to Leia that the handmaiden had the royal symbol, the snow flower, tattooed on her lower back. Now, how did he know that? Leia could guess. Chastity, indeed.) This time, the Queen had provided a saddle, though Leia had easily refused her suggestions of proper garb yet again. Han came outside.

The sun was beginning to sink down.

“Leaving without me, Princess?” said Han.

“Never,” Leia said. “Come over here, flyboy.” Han grinned, and did as she had asked (Well, the editor asks. Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t any sane man? This is Leia we’re talking about here. This is how she shows love.) Han climbed up onto the horse behind Leia, and it, for all its delicate appearance and tinkling neighs, easily handled both of their weights. There was something odd about that horse, indeed. Very odd. Though Leia couldn’t figure out what it was—

“Shall we go and meet Chewie?” she said.

“Let’s go,” said Han.

They indulged in a big, sloppy soul kiss, and then rode off, in the direction of the sunset. They had quite a story to tell Chewie when they met with him. He would probably be amused. Humans tended to have that effect on him.

--

 

Well.... I must say this is one of the most bizarre, strange, freakishly odd Han/Leia stories I have ever read. I blame not you oh, author of the white horse with purple eyes (for some reason, those plastic ponies that were so popular with little girls comes to mind. Not that I can think of what they were called) but I blame the twisted mind of your challenger!

 

Wow! Now THAT was different!

 

lol! When I saw extreme drama, this was not what I was thinking at all!
It reminded me a little bit of the last two books of Marvel comics based on SW, where Han and Leia get trapped on a planet and spend their time doing..ahem...and Leia is in a silly dress the whole time.

So strage, yet oddly satisfying.
-SE

 

Odd, my initial commentary didn't post...

I enjoyed this twisted morsel.

I sent in my 20 credits. Where's the rest?

 

That was great! You certainly met the challenge well. I just love Han and Leia together and their banter was great. Very amusing editing out the um...love scene.
Bravo!

 

Ponytricks: True, I'm not responsible for the white horse, though I have to accept the credit for the purple eyes. And I think you're thinking of My Little Pony here (2015 edit: 1980s G1 only, of course), which is pretty much what I was going for. Thanks for reading!

VaderLVR64: It is certainly different. I wrote it, and I'm not sure what to call it.

Solo-Evenstar: I'm glad the strange did its work. I haven't heard of the SW comics you mentioned, but they do sound...different.

Shaken_Fehl: Thanks. And, um--I don't know what happened to the rest. I think Erzebet Sleazebaggano still has it, along with the twenty credits. (I would only be crazy if I actually believed any of this.)

PadwanKayla: I'm glad you liked the banter, since at times I just wasn't sure it was working. As for the love scene: Originally, I had thought about going with a metafictional slant for this story, in order to reflect on its specialness (or: insanity) but except for the little bits when the editor of this piece jumps in, that didn't quite happen.

 

That was funny. Loved the purple-eyed perfectly behaved horse.

 

Definitely an original Han and Leia story. Liked how the Queen and her handmaidens were very similar to Padme and her handmaidens. Good work!

 

Wow, I agree that this is different!

Interesting how you weaved handmaidens to an H/L fic... yet again! The ring's an interesting touch... marriage really isn't much different than their oath.

An autocratic ruler. I like how you gave her enemies... the head on pikes were very medeival-y. The whole thing, actually, is very medieval-y... like a fairy tale!

And, of course, the editing remarks were hilarious.

 

Lovely-in-Orange: That horse is certainly something...special, isn't it. Especially if you grew up on bad 80s cartoons.

Solo_Fan: Now, I don't want to be too bold here, but I can safely guess there aren't many (or any) H/L stories as special as this one. And yes, the Queen and her handmaidens are certainly influenced by Padme and her attendants.

bobilll: Actually, I didn't start out planning to include handmaidens, but once I had a Queen in the story, I needed to give her attendants, and the rest is fiction. I'm glad you liked the editing remarks. I like metafictional stuff, but I've only used it in my original writing before now. It seems to have worked out.

 

This is a delight from start to finish. I'm thinking that mayhap this queen learned a lesson from her mother's demise. I *adore* that she had the mark of royalty where she did...

And I loved the last line. Humans tended to have that effect on him.

Very nice work from a potentially tricky challenge.



KD

 

That was such a good story, twisted and different, but it was defiantely enjoyable. I thin, those little ponies with Purple eyes were called My Little Ponies. I had one that was purple with white eyes!

 

Knight_Dilettante: Thanks! Yes, the queen did manage to learn from her mother's mistakes, and there were many of those, unfortunately.

Melodious: I'm glad you enjoyed this story. I admit that I hoped it would make twisted (no arguments there, at least not from me) look good. So far, so good. And yes, My Little Ponies. My sister had a bunch of those. I don't know if they're still around.

 

Today, I bring you this piece of Extreme Silliness I found in the bottom drawer of the boards.

 

This was very good. I have always wanted to ride bareback on a horse, but since I don't ride that well - it's not a good idea. Loved how the title worked into your story.

 

Pandora! I'm speechless except for the

 

I wrote a longish reply to this last week and then Chrome Artoo'd me. Trying again.

This is hilarious, on so many levels. You took a bunch of clichés, mixed them up and went for it in a manner that most resembles a...Spaghetti western or a Bud Spencer and Terrence Hill fim. The only thing missing was a LALALALALALALALALALALALA scene. And, as if that was not great enough already, you're parodying...YOURSELF...

The horse was white. Not just white, but cleaner than an animal had any right to be. It was snow white, foam white. Luckily, it was docile, and Leia was grateful for that. There was not a saddle in the whole kriffing area, so she had to ride bareback. She didn’t have much of a choice, and at least she was able to remember her long ago riding lessons back on Alderaan. She wasn’t doing too badly, either. It helped that she had refused to wear the dress the Queen had suggested, made up of lace and not much else. She was wearing a practical riding skirt, hitched up. Needless to say, Leia was not riding sidesaddle.

...at least that's how I see this bit. A cool self-parody.


(The editor interrupts in order to provide privacy for Han and Leia. Besides, would you really want Leia angry at you? I thought not. So let’s not intrude into this special scene, but if you truly want to know just how dominating our proper princess can be, and how they define proper on Alderaan and similar worlds, send 20 credits to: Erzibet Sleazebaggano, Level 20, Imperial Center. Thank you.)

HAN AND LEIA PPV. WTF.

 

Gemma: I would have given her a saddle, but the terms of the dare were quite specific that she ride bareback. I'm glad you think the title fit in well--if I remember correctly, and I might not, I was going to get it in there no matter what.

Nyota's Heart: *Bows* Danke schön.

Ewok Poet: You could say that I went to a certain special place, and mood, when I wrote this, because it's definitely all out, balls to the wall* writing. Actually, I remembered this story less than fondly for years as being too silly to live (after all, if I have a reputation, it's for being "grimdark.") But then I re-read it a while back, and I sort of liked it, which is why it's been restored from its truncated form and is back in action. I don't think I meant to parody myself though--I don't really have the sense of humor necessary for that. But maybe my unconscious was working that angle.

The only thing missing was a LALALALALALALALALALALALA scene.

You are correct! It's too bad I don't think I have a sequel for this in me. Well, we'll always have the Baron going "Yooooo-hoooo" in the barn--

HAN AND LEIA PPV. WTF.

Thanks to inflation, it would now cost fifty credits, but it is still available from Erzibet S., Level 15, Coruscant.

Thanks for reading!



*It seems I misread the fanfiction faq; since I'm not using it to flame someone, it looks as though it's all right for me to use this common term for testicles.