"A Jedi's Redemption" - PLEASE critique my fanfic!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by jedi_master_gimpy, Mar 14, 2000.

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  1. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    ::A second mudball (with purple cream filling) hits Master Y.O.D.A square in the nose and Maeli whistles innocently::

  2. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Wow, *sniffle* thanks Y.O.D.A!! I've never had a story good enough to be saved to someone else's computer yet! *sniff* Wow!! Sorry I didn't post anymore yesterday people, I had to work *ugh* all afternoon. Here's some more, though!

    *Tosses two huge mudballs at Y.O.D.A and Maelisaandii and laughs maniacally as they splat right in their faces*

    They took the transport down at night way from the prying sensors of Titel, the capital city. Then they skimmed back along the surface, staying low and shutting down all unnecessary systems before setting down a half mile from the city. ?Our first priority right now it get to the city and find Daren and his team,? Master Skywalker informed Talja and Jordyn grimly. ?We will need their help if possible, and they could have some information about the sith?s whereabouts.

    After that came the tiring hike to the walls of the city. They found the closest entrance and immediately picked out the familiar feeling of the Massassi through the Force. ?They?re probably guarding all the entrances to Titel,? Luke said. ?At least we know now that they have in fact taken over.? He whirled with a swish of his dark cloak and paced away along the towering concrete wall. ?We?ll have to climb it.?

    Luke unhooked the special pressurized gun by his side and shot the hooked claw up to the top of the wall. He gave the attached rope a few hard yanks and proclaimed it sturdy enough to hold their weight. ?Let me go first to take care of any surprises up top,? Master Skywalker warned.

    He nimbly scaled the wall, a dark figure that could barely be seen in the pale moonlight. Master Skywalker disappeared over the side and then peeked his head back over, waving for them to come up. They didn?t need a second prompting.

    A minute later all three of them were on top of the city walls. After that it went quickly. The dark streets were deserted and it was easy to use the Force to avoid any Massassi guards.

    Now that they were inside the city walls they could use their commlinks for ?local? calls. It was a simple matter to tune their commlinks to Daren?s assigned frequency, after making sure that the power was low enough to not attract much attention.

    ?Daren?? Master Skywalker asked softly. There was a long silence during which Talja wrung her hands nervously. What if something had happened to them?

    ?Is that you, Master Skywalker?? came the surprised response, resulting in three audible sighs of relief.

    ?Yes, it?s me,? Master Skywalker said.

    ?What are you doing here?? There was confusion evident in Daren?s voice. ?I thought you were supposed to be on Coruscant??

    ?The trail led here.?

    Silence reigned as Daren let that sink in. ?This mission just got a whole lot harder. A frustrated Force potential is a lot less worrisome than a fully trained Sith Lord.?

    ?We need directions to where you are,? Master Skywalker said.

    ?Okay. Pulling up a map of the city now?got it. Where are you??

    Master Skywalker glanced at a nearby street sign. ?We?re in the south side of the city, just inside the walls. On the corner of?Rindt Street and Provel Avenue.?

    ?All right. Go ahead and follow Rindt Street deeper into the city.?

    The three Jedi hurried down the silent streets, dark cloaks pulled up around their faces, blending in with the shadows as they followed Daren?s instructions. The long walk seemed to stretch on forever as they traveled to the center of the huge capital city. The only life they saw in the sleeping city were a few stray cat-like creatures prowling for small rodents, a roaming Massassi guard or a late night bar winding down for the night, all of which were easily avoided.

    The trio finally arrived at a small, nice, inconspicuous hotel a few blocks from the Governor?s Palace. They slipped past the dozing clerk and glided down the second floor hallway to knock on the door to room 21.

    The door hissed open and Daren motioned them inside. Or started to, but Talja tackled him with a giant him.

  3. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    And another catch-up post!

    Talja stepped out onto the small balcony outside their rooms, breathing deeply from the fresh morning air. The three girls had shared one room while the boys respectfully offered Master Skywalker the other, taking over the sitting room for themselves. Talja smiled at the thought of last night. After Master Skywalker had retired for the night the boys had ambushed the girls, resulting in an all-out pillow fight until Master Skywalker had come out a short time later and reminded them they would need rest for their mission.

    Talja heard a yawn from behind her and turned to see a sleepy looking Daren walk onto the balcony, blinking in the bright sunlight. ?Good morning,? he said.

    ?Good morning,? Talja replied cheerfully. ?Did you sleep well??

    ?Once you gals stopped using the Force to pull our blankets off us, yes,? Daren grumbled.

    Talja laughed as she looked out over Titel. The city was much quieter than it should be at this hour, and she was reminded of Daren?s comment the night before about people being too afraid to leave their houses.

    Daren leaned against the railing beside her. ?It?s a beautiful morning,? he commented.


    ?Talja?you remember when I said that I wanted to talk to you before we left??

    ?Sure, I remember.?

    ?This mission is pretty dangerous and I don?t know what?s going to happen.? Daren suddenly turned towards her and took her hands in his. ?I don?t want anything to happen to you.?

    ?I?m worried, too,? Talja said with a laugh. ?But don?t worry, nothing?s going to happen to me.? She sobered. ?What did you want to talk about??

    Daren looked out over the city again. ?After my father died, I swore that I?d follow in his footsteps and become a Jedi, no matter what happened. Now that dream?s come true, and I couldn?t be happier. I have plenty of friends, and you?re in my life. I-I love you, Talja.?

    Talja smiled happily. ?I love you, too Daren.?

    Daren?s face brightened considerably and he grinned like an idiot. ?I want to spend my whole life with you. You?re such a wonderful, close friend to me, and-and something more.? He stuffed a hand in his pocket. ?I guess what I want to ask you is-?

    Jordyn popped his head out of their hotel room and smiled, a thatch of his unruly blond hair falling over his eyes and said, ?Master Skywalker wants you guys inside. It?s time to leave,? before disappearing.

    A stricken look passed across Daren?s face and then he sighed, running a hand through his hair. ?It?s okay,? Talja said with a smile. ?We can talk more when I get back.?

    ?Yeah,? Daren scuffed his feet on the floor and followed her inside.

    ?I?m sorry to interrupt, but it?s time to leave,? Master Skywalker said.

    ?It?s okay,? Talja said. Quick goodbyes were said, Talja relishing the feel of Daren?s hug and kiss.

    And then they left, heading out into the unnaturally quiet streets and walking briskly towards the Governor?s Palace. The closer they got to the Palace the more Massassi there were and the more careful they had to be.

    They stopped at a small café right across from the Palace to formulate a plan to get in. With Darth Surien controlling the minds of the Massassi guards, bending their minds to let the Jedi in was not a very safe option, as he would notice their presence almost immediately.

    ?What we need is a distraction, and I have just the thing in mind,? Talja said.

    Ten minutes later, the three Jedi stood a few meters from the entrance to the Palace, hidden from the guards behind a conveniently placed corner. Talja reached out, quickly sensing the object she?d kept a Force grip on since placing it in an alley a few moments before.

    Her blaster lay half hidden about half a block away, safety off, aimed at a group of Massassi guards. Talja felt the trigger with her mind and ZANG! ZANG! ZANG! Ruby red bolts shot out, one hitting a Massassi and the rest scattering harmlessly around the small group.

    Even from the Jedi?s hiding place they could see the
  4. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    ::juggles 5-6 mudballs with the Force and spins them straight at Master Gimpy's head::

    Ahh... the plot thickens. Dark passage.... always is excitement found in these, yeeess.
    ::grunts in a pitiful impression of Yoda while wiping mud out of her eyes::
  5. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    *Laughs at the though of Yoda getting hit with a mudball*

    JMG pushes her Mud-o-matic, panting and groaning, onto the thread and loads it with a whopper of a mudball. "Ready...aim...fire!!"


    Yep, Maelisaandii, dark passages are good places to kill off main characters! Oops! Did I say that outloud! eek.gif But that's not quite a while later...and maybe not who you expect!

    ?Come on!? Talja shouted. The three Jedi jogged down the pitch back corridor, and if not for being in tune with the Force would have run smack dab into the door at the end. Instead Master Skywalker pushed it open and they stepped into a small turbolift that took them under the palace and opened up into a brightly-lit room. A small ditch ran through the center of the room and disappeared into a tunnel on the far side of the room, two gleaming metal tracks running parallel down the center of it. A few small cars stood at the end of the track, the taillights of another one just barely visible as it disappeared into the long tunnel.

    ?Everybody inside,? Master Skywalker ordered. They climbed into the closed car. Inside two cushy seats were facing each other enclosed by closed metal walls and a roof. A clear windshield was the only window into the outside world. A small control panel was in the corner, and after everyone was seated Master Skywalker started the car down the tunnel. Air rushed past them, howling against the smooth metal walls as they hurtled down what seemed to be a wind tunnel.

    ?Master Skywalker!? Talja had to yell to be heard above the wind whistling by outside. ?Where do you think this goes??

    ?My guess is that it leads to a private spaceport outside the city,? Master Skywalker yelled back. ?A lot of planetary leaders keep secret escape routes handy in case the populace revolts.?

    The bright off-white walls of the tunnel seemed to go on forever even though the car was travelling at about 70 mph. About twenty minutes later the car began to slow and stopped a short time later. Everyone jumped out of the car and into a bright room identical to the one they had just left. A turbolift off to the side most likely led to an underground berth with the Governor?s private shuttle.

    But Darth Surien hadn?t gone up. Talja could feel the dark tint of evil that he had left as he hurried through the room, tracing a path to a side wall. She jogged over to it and pushed up against it, gasping in surprise as her hand pushed right through it and she fell into the dark tunnel behind it. Talja quickly backpedaled, not overly eager to face a Sith lord in the dark by herself.

    She turned to see an openmouthed Jordyn and Master Skywalker staring at her. ?It must be a cloaking device hiding a tunnel entrance,? Master Skywalker deduced. He held out a hand. ?Shall we??

    The three Jedi ducked through the cloaking shield and into the dark recess behind. ?It?s rather dark in here,? Talja said nervously.

    Master Skywalker wordlessly pulled out his lightsaber and ignited it, the bright green blade shooting up to illuminate their surrounding in its gleaming silvery light. The tunnel was nothing like the bright white ones they had just ridden through. It was cut straight into the dark rock, rough outcroppings poking out of every surface. ?My guess is that the Massassi dug this tunnel,? Master Skywalker said. ?The Governor probably never knew it was even here.?

    Suddenly the Jedi Master perked up, his eyes straining into the darkness, his voice dropping to a whisper. ?He?s just a little ways ahead.? Talja reached out her mind and was amazed to find that Master Skywalker was right: the Sith lord was only a minute or so ahead of them. ?Stay at this distance. I?d prefer to find someone else to fight if it comes to that, it?d be too easy to trip over this floor.?

    The trio stayed a little ways ahead of the Sith lord until the tunnel widened out into a small cavern with small glowlamps on the walls dimly illuminating it. Darth Surien was
  6. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Oh, btw I just thought I'd let you know that I've started a new story story called "A Figment of the Imagination". It's my first try at JA, so be forewarned! Here's the link if you want to check it out, and I'll try to post more of Redemption soon!
    Forum16/HTML/000518.html Forum16/HTML/000518.html

  7. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Hey there Gimpy, sorry I haven't posted yet. Crazy days hereabouts. Love the story!!
  8. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Aaaarrrgghhhh!!! my post isn't showing up!! Oh, well! Here it is again!

    JGG, after reading your story at JN I feel honored to have you reading mine!! Thank you!!

    Pain. Bright, blinding pain everywhere at once. It hurt to move, it hurt to be awake, it hurt to be alive, it hurt to think. She wanted to go back to sleep. Sleep was good; you didn?t hurt when you slept. You didn?t have to think when you were asleep. ?Unngh.? Talja groaned. The sound of her own hoarse voice once again connected her to the outside world and Talja slowly opened her eyes and pushed herself up.

    ?Ow!? Talja yelped as a sharp pain dug into the back of her head and screaming muscles and limbs protested. She gritted her teeth. //A Jedi does not know pain.// Talja used a Force exercise to dull the pain, pushing it down and clamping it out of the way and sent a wave of the Force to begin healing torn muscles and numerous bruises. Talja slowly stood and wobbly reached a hand out to the wall to steady herself. ?Oh, my. There?s quite a bit of gravity in here.?

    Talja pushed some loose hairs out of her eyes, giving a small shout as she felt the large bump on the back of her head, and surveyed the cavern. Rocks covered the floor in piles and hills and all of the glowlamps save one had been knocked down or broken. The remaining one was tilting precariously on the wall, it?s small flickering glow fading in and out and lending little light to the chamber. Talja pulled out her chrono. The small light revealed just enough to read the time behind the cracked plexi-glass. She?d been out for a half an hour.

    A half an hour. Where was everybody else? Where were Master Skywalker and Jordyn? Talja picked her way across the shifting floor to the last place she had seen Master Skywalker. He wasn?t there. There. A moan, coming from somewhere over to her left, closer to the tunnel entrance.

    Talja gasped in surprise when she saw the Jedi Master. He lay half buried under the rocks, one side of his face covered with blood from a nasty gash on his forehead. He appeared to still be unconscious. A particularly large rock had pinned his left leg and Talja?s chest constricted when she reached out with the Force to assess his situation. His leg was definitely broken, a few broken ribs, some internal bleeding, a small concussion, and the least of all numerous bruises and cuts. Overall, in terrible and possibly life-threatening shape, depending on how long it took them to dig their way out of there.

    Talja wiped some of the blood and grime off his face with the corner of her Jedi robe and then tore a strip off to press against the slow trickle of blood at his temple.

    Talja realized she needed to get the rocks off Master Skywalker. She picked the boulders off of him on by one, using the Force to lighten their weight. Even then she was tired and sweaty by the time she was done. The stone slab pinning his leg was the largest and hardest to move by far. Talja was exhausted both mentally and physically and even with the help of the Force found her back and shoulder muscles straining under her jumpsuit.

    Finally the rock was off and Talja could tell from the weird angle of the Master Skywalker?s leg that it would need to be splinted. But with what? Talja glanced around the cavern hopelessly, and then her heart soared with relief when she saw two wooden stakes piles in a relatively rock-free corner, most likely there from when the Massassi had first dug the tunnel out of the rock.

    Talja clambered over the rock piles and retrieved the wooden stakes and then tore off a few more strips of cloth from her robe. As she surveyed Master Skywalker?s leg Talja couldn?t help thinking that it was a good think he would be unconscious when she set it. Talja grasped the leg just above and below the break, whispered ?Sorry Master,? with a quick twist snapped them back into place. The unconscious Jedi moaned in pain. Talja sent a wave of the Force to him to help him beg
  9. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    Good posts. You're a much frenquenter poster than me... which reminds me I need to post something on mine. <yawn> Sorry, I'm way to tired to be very coherent...
  10. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks! Hm...it sounds like I need to check yours out, Maelisaandi!

    Talja leaned back against the wall and slowly slid down until she was sitting on the ground beside Luke. It had been hours and hours since Jordyn had broken their connection and all she had to show for it was an aching body and a hole just a tad too small to squeeze her shoulders through.

    A look at her chrono had informed her that it was getting dark outside and Talja had stopped to rest. She would give her left arm for something to eat.

    Talja glanced with concern at Luke?s pale, drawn, sleeping face. She reached out to evaluated his condition in the Force and was surprised when her mind found his immediately. Over the day she had been caring for him their Force-bond had grown much stronger and she could feel his ravaged body struggle to heal. Luke was so exhausted that he could barely grasp the Force much less direct it to healing his body.

    Talja tried to help him, leading Luke?s mind to the more damaged parts of his body and using the Force to start knitting the cells, tissues and bones together. Even as she worked Talja could feel small imaginary threads strengthening their bond.

    Talja could sense some of Luke?s stronger emotions as if they were her own and every once in a while a stray thought that definitely wasn?t hers would flit through her brain.

    She was so tired?Talja?s hand slowly dropped from Luke?s leg where she had been busy knitting bones together with the Force and she slipped into the comforting fuzziness of sleep.

    For a long time no dreams came. When one did, it was more of a relived memory. Talja dreamed she was sitting at the mess hall table with Caelosi and Atril?yla, commenting on whether a certain guy was wearing boxers or briefs. It was déjà vu, a repeat of the scene right before the temple battle.

    Just then Master Skywalker serenely walked in. Unable to help herself, Talja leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, ?What do you think Master Skywalker wears??

    ?Briefs,? Atril?yla said at exactly the same moment Caelosi said, ?Boxers.?

    ?Oh, yeah,? Talja said with a smile. ?I can just see him lounging around his quarters in bright green boxers with Yoda and Darth Vader on them.?

    At that moment Master Skywalker turned to look in their direction and his piercing blue eyes stared right at Talja. He gave her a slow wink. Talja felt her face turn bright red as the Jedi Master turned away. The three girls collapsed in fits of laughter.

    Even though Talja knew it would happen, she was still surprised when the boy ran in to announce that the temple was under attack. This time the battle was different, though. Talja still saw the man crumpled against the wall, Cilghal was still there to care for him, and when she looked up she saw Jordyn and Daren.

    But Jordyn wasn?t right. He was fighting, slashing and parrying as she remembered but he looked as though he was already dead. Talja saw him as if seeing another time, a time when Jordyn no longer existed.

    Talja stopped dead in her track and shook her head. ?No,? she whispered. ?No.? Not another nightmare. She wanted out. //Wake up!// She told herself. Nothing changed.

    Talja ran toward Jordyn. If she couldn?t escape this dream then she would save Jordyn. But no matter how much she ran she wasn?t getting any closer to Jordyn.

    Just then the crowd of Massassi parted to reveal a dark robed figure holding a blood-red lightsaber: Darth Surien.

    ?Jordyn!? Talja screamed, but he didn?t hear her. The two figures engaged, lightsabers sparking and hissing. Darth Surien swung his lightsaber down, ready to cleave Jordyn in two but right then the temple stones above Jordyn collapsed, burying her brother in the rubble. ?Nnnooooooooooo!? Talja screamed.

    ?Talja! Talja!? Someone was calling her from far away. ?Wake up!?

    ?Master Skywalker??? Talja sat up and rubbed her eyes. ?Wha-what happened??

    Luke stopped trying to shake her awake and let his arm drop weakly onto the ground. ?
  11. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
  12. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Okay, I'm going to go ahead and post some more, maybe someone will discover it and read it!

    It took Talja another three hours to clear enough rocks away that Master Skywalker would be able to make it through without having to scrunch up too much. Talja rested for a half an hour before she felt that either of them was ready to continue. Then Talja slowly helped Luke up and wrapped a supporting arm around his waist while Luke threw his left arm over her shoulder.

    Together they slowly made their way to the opening Talja had made, Luke half-limping, half-hopping. Talja found her awe of the Jedi Master grow with each step. His leg and ribs had to be killing him, but he didn?t say a word, just kept going. Talja could feel him pulling the Force around him like a shroud to give him strength.

    Getting through the opening was a bit trickier. It wasn?t wide enough for them to go through side by side so Talja turned sideways and went through first, supporting Luke. It was still difficult because they had to duck their heads a little, not to mention the uneven footing and the trouble Luke had trying to hop sideways on his good foot.

    They made it, however. Talja and Luke rested just inside the tunnel for a few moments, Luke closing his eyes and leaning back against the tunnel wall. The tunnel was pitch-black and Talja pulled out her emerald lightsaber and ignited it, providing a silvery glow.

    Talja glanced with concern at the sheen of sweat on Luke?s face, hoping he?d be able to make it the rest of the way.

    Talja groaned inwardly, realizing that while supporting Luke she wouldn?t be able to hold her lightsaber. Instead she would have to rely on the Force to guide them through the dark tunnel.

    Talja and Luke pressed on. IT was hard going in the dark and several times one of them would stumble on the uneven ground, almost sending both of them tumbling.

    They finally broke through the cloaking device at the end of the tunnel, and Talja gave a sigh of relief as they once more entered the bright hospital-clean room.

    Luke levitated himself into the car and then they whooshed back down the off-white tunnel.

    Luke used the Force to levitate himself back down out of the car and in his exhausted state Talja didn?t need their strengthened Force-bond to tell how much it drained him.

    Talja supported him as they walked/hobbled to the turbolift, Luke leaning heavily against her. Talja finally allowed herself to relax as the turbolift took them smoothly up from below the planet?s surface to the third floor of the Governor?s Palace.

    After that it was just a quick walk down the dark passage and they were in the Governor?s office. Surprisingly, it was empty. Talja thought that it would have been crawling with Massasssi.

    Talja gently eased Luke into the enormous chair behind the desk. She could feel Luke?s relief at getting off his feet as an almost palpable thing over their Force-bond.

    Talja thumbed on her comlink. ?Jordyn? Daren?? There was only the hiss of static. //Of course. The schematic said there?s a small shield around the Governor?s office. Rather paranoid, wasn?t he?//

    Talja turned to Luke. ?I?m going to go down a few levels and see if I can reach Jordyn or Daren from there.? Luke nodded weakly. ?I want you to lock the door when I leave, you?re in no condition to fight.? It felt extremely weird to be ordering her own Master around.

    Luke must have sensed what she was thinking. ?Aye-aye, ma?am.? He gave her a small salute.

    Talja hurried out and down the hall, taking the marble stairs two or three at a time. Talja had her comlink out and in her hand before her feet were solidly on the ground floor. Just as she raised it Talja cocked her head to the side. Was that lightsabers?

    Talja took off at a dead run towards the sounds of battle?and stopped dead. Daren and his team were in a fight with a troop of Massassi, half of which were no lying on the ground. Talja only had time to wonder what the heck Daren was doing here before she joined the fray.

  13. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Is anyone reading this anymore?
  14. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    I am! Sorry I haven't posted, RL intruded big time the past couple days. Great job, BTW, its really interesting and well-written! Luke's da man.

    Oh, and thanks for posting on my story. Nothing like comments to motivate one to write.
  15. Katri Tai Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 26, 2000
    star 1
    I'm sorry I didn't start reading this story sooner
    Great writing
  16. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Wow! We picked up another reader along the way! And as always, glad to have you back Maelisaandii! This post is dedicated to you...

    The groups headed off on their separate missions. ?There?s a battery armament on the north side of the building,? Talja suggested.

    They ran through the halls, using their Jedi training to make almost no noise as their feet slapped against the stone floor. ?Right?beyond that door,? Talja panted.

    The two Jedi burst inside the room and dropped their jaws to the floor as ten Massassi in full body armor turned to look at them.

    ?Oops!? Talja winced.

    ?I told you we should have gone left back there,? Daren argued.

    ?The gun is that door right behind the guard station! This was the only way!? Talja protested, rolling her eyes.

    The head Massassi glared at them from under a large purple headdress. He stabbed a finger at them and bellowed. The Massassi rushed at them. Talja and Daren had their lightsabers up and ready in an instant.

    The two friends fought back to back, each aware of exactly what the other was going to do. The rush of the Force flowing between them was almost intoxicating.

    Slash. Parry. ?Talja?? Daren panted. ?Do you remember when I wanted to talk to you??

    Lounge. Duck. Feint. ?Yeah. I suggest you spit it out before you get interrupted again.? Talja replied.

    ?What I wanted to ask you was?? Daren whirled around to face her and dropped to one knee as he lunged forward to strike at a Massassi to her right. ?Talja Ducherra, will you marry me??

    Talja slashed over his head to scythe a Massassi in two. ?Of course.?

    Daren stood and whirled on the ball of his foot. Slash. ?I have a ring for you in my pocket.?

    Talja smiled. ?You can give it to me after.? She brought her lightsaber down in a final blow and then the two Jedi surveyed the Massassi bodies lying on the floor around them.

    Daren closed down his lightsaber and brushed his hands off. ?I guess that?s the end of that.?

    ?Not quite, buster.? Talja reached up, grabbed a handful of the front of his tunic and yanked him down for a kiss. ?Now we can go get that gun.?


    Jordyn held his lightsaber loosely in his right hand, surveying the room in front of him.

    He was on the upper story of a large rectangular room. A small walkway wrapped around the edges of the room. A narrow catwalk stretched from Jordyn to the opposite wall, bisecting the room.

    A ladder led to the level below, a rectangular room filled with strange, empty slabs of stone. Vents were placed around the room at regular intervals, silent machinery stood at the head of each slab. The sleeping chambers. The Massassi?s beds for millions of years.

    The room was silent and lifeless, the ghost of a room that should have been filled with life. Jordyn stepped to the edge of the catwalk, his senses on overkill. There was a brush of wind against the back of his neck and Jordyn whirled. There was nothing there.

    A flicker of motion in the shadows below, but he saw nothing. Jordyn grimaced. //The hunter chasing the prey?//

    Suddenly the Dark Lord was on the walkway before him, having jumped up from some unknown place. He pulled a metal cylinder from under his dark cloak and a menacing ruby-red blade jumped to life.

    Jordyn ignited his own violet blade and held it ready before him. Darth Surien?s gravelly voice broke the silence. ?Are you ready to die?? And then he attacked.
  17. Maeve Nadia Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2000
    star 3
    Yet another great story!! Just started reading tonight, and am anxiously awaiting more...
  18. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    A post for me? <blushes>
    And such a good one at that. Reminds me of Luke and Mara.
  19. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Hm..I'm not seeing half the thread...Let's see if this post will make it appear...*crosses her fingers*
  20. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Yes!! It worked!! Laughs at Maelisaandii's comment. Yes of course for you!! You're my most loyal reader!! And wow! We picked up yet another one!! Thanks for joining us, Maeve Nadia!! Here's some more, it's just about over.

    Talja slide into the gunnery seat.

    ?I?ve got the door covered,? Daren said from across the small, circular three meter wide room.

    Talja nodded distractedly. ?Okay.? She punched the console before her and then glanced out the wide viewscreen in front of her at the capital city, relieved that there was a shield protecting her little gun turret even if she couldn?t see it.

    The small metal platform outside the viewscreen opened up and a quad of heavy duty barrels rose up.

    Just then several blips appeared on Talja?s sensor board and the room shook as an X-wing flew by. ?Holy bantha fodder! That was Rogue Squadron!? Talja exclaimed. ?Katrin and Wrisha must have already gotten the jamming taken care of.?

    Suddenly the whole room rattled as laser fire hit the shields protecting the gun turret. ?Sithspit! They?re shooting at us.? Talja cursed. She reached over and keyed the comm unit. ?Attention Rogue Squadron. This is Talja Ducherra, Jedi Knight.? Talja grasped the joystick and twitched the guns outside back and forth. ?I?m controlling the gun waving at you. I suggest you concentrate your fire elsewhere because if I get hit again I?m blowing that person to kingdom come. Understood?? Talja slammed her hand down on the panel and turned the system off.

    ?Did Jordyn happen to say why he wanted a gun turret?? Talja asked Daren sweetly.

    Daren shrugged. ?Of course not. That would have been too easy.?

    Talja swore under her breath and grabbed her personal comlink from her waist, flicking it on with her thumb. ?Jordyn??


    Jordyn almost yelled when the comlink at his waist suddenly vibrated. He clamped his lips shut and slowly reached down to unhook it. Jordyn made sure the sound was turned way down before answering. ?Jordyn here.?

    Talja?s voice crackled over the unit. ?Jordyn, I?m sitting in a gun turret right now. Would you please tell me why??

    Jordyn pressed himself deeper into the shadows and nervously looked up at the catwalk and walkway Force-blanket and prayed to the long-dead Jedi Council that Darth Surien didn?t find him until after he told Talja what he wanted her to do.

    ?Talja, I want you to lock onto my comm signal.?

    Silence. ?Okay, I?m registering you as about a mile or so outside the city walls to the east.?

    ?Yeah, that sounds about right.? Jordyn said quietly. ?Change to proton torpedoes, linked fire.?

    ?Okay?.okay done. But Jordyn, why-?

    Jordyn grimaced. //Hope she doesn?t argue too much. It?s the only way.// ?It?s still locked onto my comlink, right? On my signal, I want you to fire two rounds.?

    Suddenly Jordyn heard the thrum of a lightsaber igniting and the ruby-red beam struck the railing of the walkway above him. Jordyn had to duck as hot sparks scattered down over him. He tucked hi comlink in his belt as the Sith Lord jumped lightly down from the upper level to land in front of him. ?Did you really think you could hide from me??
    [enter Imperial Death March] Uh, oh! It looks like he's in trouble... *grins evilly* [/fade out Imperial Death March]
  21. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    Sheer evilness. hehe.

    Happy Easter!
  22. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Heheh, sorry it took me so long to get the next part up, Maelisaandii!! Here it is!

    Talja stared at the silent comlink in her hand. ?Jordyn?? Jordyn?!? There was no answer. ?Sithspit!? Talja held her head in her hands, thoughts clashing into each other as her brain tried to comprehend what her brother was telling her to do.

    No! No, she wouldn?t! She couldn?t!

    ?Talja! I don?t think Darth Surien wants us by the gun!? Daren cried as Massassi entered the room, cruel intentions glittering in their dark eyes. ?I don?t know how long I can hold them off. Whatever Jordyn wants you to do, you need to do it soon,? Daren?s voice was becoming agitated.

    Daren. Daren hadn?t heard. He hadn?t heard what Jordyn had asked her to do. What she couldn?t do. But it was the only way?

    ?S?sure,? Talja turned numbly back to the viewport, her whole body trembling. She reached across the Force-bond she had with her brother, touching his mind. Jordyn was busy fighting and couldn?t talk to her; instead he let her see what was happening through his eyes, his body.

    He/she/they fought courageously, matching Darth Surien blow for blow. But the Sith Lord had unimaginable energy reserves, pulling up more and more anger to fuel his attacks.

    They became one mind controlling two bodies. Talja/Jordyn was in tune with the force as never before. They saw all the possible moves Darth Surien could make, branching into never-ending combinations. They could predict where he would attack, could deflect in time. But the sheer power of Darth Surien's angry attacks threatened to overwhelm him/her/them.

    //Fire the torpedoes. Do it.// Was that her thought? No, it was Jordyn?s. No no no! She couldn?t wouldn?t couldn?t! //But you must. There?s no other way and you know it.// Jordyn persisted.

    He/she parried, twisted. Duck! Darth Surien?s blade swished by over his/her head.

    //He?s too strong. I won?t be able to beat him. He?ll kill me, and then he?ll unleash the Massassi on the rest of the universe. You must destroy him now.//

    //No!// Talja protested. Duck, parry, feint. //You don?t know that for sure! There?s got to be another way!// Talja/Jordyn whirled on the ball of their foot, clashing blades with Darth Surien. Surien swung angrily, a wild slash and Talja/Jordyn jumped out of the way.

    //There is no other way and you know it.// Jordyn said gently. //We can?t risk the chance. If he does kill me, he can concentrate all his attention on the Massassi and you?ll never be able to fire before he kills you. He?ll win. There is no other way. Have the courage to do this, sis. I love you. Always have, always will.//

    No! He was saying goodbye. He couldn?t be saying goodbye, he couldn?t leave he couldn?t-! Sparks flew as Darth Surien?s saber struck machinery. The battle moved onto the slippery catwalk. //Do it, Talja!//

    Talja?s whole body was rigid as she sat before the guns, unaware of the sounds around her, of the tears coursing down her face. Her hand hovered above the red ?Fire? key, her body as torn as her mind. ?I just hope that someday he doesn?t put himself in a lot of danger to save others in an attempt to make up for it.? Daren?s words from that night on the temple roof came floating back to her. And her dream?Here was the lightsaber duel. She would never make it in time. She could destroy the Sith forever, but it would also be her that killed her brother.

    //Do it. Do it now.// The ruby-red saber flashed. The force of the blow sent Jordyn?s saber spinning out of his grasp and it clattered onto the floor below.

    There was no where to run.

    Talja?s hand strained, hovering over the red button that would end it all. No!


    ?Talja, I can?t hold them off any longer!? Daren?s strained voice.

    It hovered.

    The blood-red shaft of light swept down in a deadly arc that would not miss. //DO IT!!// The mental scream ripped through the Force.

    Her hand stabbed the button.

    Four proton torpedoes shot out, heading for a weak c
  23. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Come on, people! Post, people post!
  24. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    Sorry I took so long. I was... I was too busy wiping tears out of my eyes. yeah! Anyways, that was a great ending, ma'am! Talja's hesitation was nicely done, realistic and all.
    Great story, too. It was very imaginative, and well written. I thoroughly (sp?) enjoyed it. Now get your rear in gear and write that last part! <eg>
  25. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    redface.gif Well the post has been here all along Maelisaandii, you just couldn't see it before. That's why it's just magically appearing now redface.gif

    Talja walked through her room in the Great Temple in the cool morning light. It was time for her morning run. It was nice to be back at the Temple, she reflected. There was a center of calm and orderliness here that put you at ease.

    Talja pulled her straw-blond hair back in a ponytail and then walked out of the door to her room and into the hall. She stared at the hall around her door in surprise and then gave a small chuckle. It looked like it had snowed in the corridor. Talja pushed her toe against some of the white fluff on the floor and a few small, white feathers flew up in the air before lazily drifting back to the ground.

    Talja sighed. She would need to clean up the mess. It wouldn?t do to have Master Skywalker wander in and find the hallway a mess. He might figure out what had happened. //Though it would have been pretty hard for him not to hear all the racket we made.// It was pretty hard not to shriek when a pillow from a certain ambushing Jedi Knight named Daren suddenly hit you in the face in the middle of a dark corridor.

    With the ceremonial opening shot accounted for, his friends had quickly joined in. Luckily, Talja and some of her friends had been planning an excursion of their own. //Did they really think that pulling a few blankets off them with the Force was all we had planned?// Talja though in wonderment. A quick whistle and she immediately had reinforcements. Everyone had finally gone laughing and joking back to their rooms an hour later, dragging a few mutilated pillows behind them.

    Talja walked down the hall to the supply closet and grabbed a broom. She walked back and slowly began to sweep up the piles of feathers.

    It had taken a while but Talja was finally at peace with what had happened at Cinnager. She knew that Jordyn died the way he wanted to die ? helping others. He was completely willing to give his sacrifice. In the end, she couldn?t even be sure if it had been her or Jordyn that had told her body to fire the torpedoes. They had been like almost one person. //And now half of that person is dead.// Talja thought with a slight touch of bitterness.

    She finished sweeping up the feathers and placed them in a bag for later. Hopefully someone would be able to reuse them to stuff pillows. Talja put the broom back in the closet, admiring the way the corusca gem in the ring Daren had given her caught the light.

    Daren ? her fiancé, Talja reminded herself ? had been there for her the whole time. Supporting, understanding and never condemning.

    Talja sighed with relief when the job was done. Now she could get back to her morning run. Talja turned to start her run and saw someone walking stately down the corridor towards her. Luke Skywalker looked much better after a few lengthy dips in the bacta tank. A slight limp was the only evidence of his still-healing injuries.

    ?Good morning Master Skywalker.? Talja greeted him as he got closer. In the familiar teaching atmosphere of the Jedi academy it seemed more correct call him ?Master Skywalker,? even with their strengthened Force-bond.

    Master Skywalker nodded to her and surveyed the hall. ?I?m glad you got that mess cleaned up.?

    Talja blinked. //Wha??// Oh, he knew about the pillow fight alright. ?Yes ? yes I did,? Talja stammered.

    Luke gave a satisfied nod as he started walking away. He leaned in close for a second. ?By the way,? he whispered. ?It?s boxers.?

    //Boxers??// Talja stared at the Jedi Master as he continued down the hall away from her as if nothing had happened.

    Suddenly she began to laugh. Boxers. Bright green ones with Yoda and Darth Vader on them. Possibly. Who knew? Probably not.

    Talja plopped down on the floor in the middle of the corridor and laughed until tears streamed down her cheeks.
    Of course I had to make it a
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