A story about Lady Vader, Mot's Minx and Tanktopgirl

Discussion in 'United Kingdom' started by Ooh_Aah_Cantona, Mar 7, 2002.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Arun Dale Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 21, 1999
    star 6
    Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots
    a real cutie sitting on a cow pat and dives down toward her. "Pardon me"
    he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
  2. anakin_pm Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2001
    star 4
    The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive
    in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some
    armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the
    car. "Give us the money," they shout at the Queen.
    "But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for
    money."

    "Oh, ****," says the leader of the armed band, and
    turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels."

    "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on
    state occasions."

    The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they
    hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
    "Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover
    at least," and with that the robbers drive off.

    As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police
    to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did
    you do with all the cash you had? You're always
    loaded."

    "Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in
    the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled
    up my notes and tucked them into that little place
    that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she
    produces several thousand pounds in notes.

    "And what did you do with your jewels?

    You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The
    Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few
    seconds before the robbers got to the car, I
    slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like
    you, slipped them into that little place that only
    women have." Reaching down she plucks out her
    jewellery.

    They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the
    Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been
    with us, we could still have the Range Rover."
  3. MOTs_Minx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 26, 2000
    star 6
    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


    Q: What's bread?



























    A: Raw toast :D
  4. MOTs_Minx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 26, 2000
    star 6
    You can tell Anakin copied and pasted that joke... LOL
  5. Ooh_Aah_Cantona Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2000
    star 6
    //tries to not to laugh at cass's post.
  6. anakin_pm Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2001
    star 4
    Its just the way I sent the email!!
  7. MayhemUK Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 20, 2001
    star 4
    Me shy about sex? Hardly :p

    Bitter at being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China,
    and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil, "which
    they said would be at least as evil as the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
    President Bush warned of his recent State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as being
    mere amateurs in the evil game. "In their dreams!" declared North Korean
    leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils. We're the best"

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
    they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told
    us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

    "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President
    Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you
    had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.
    And a secret handshake, of course."

    International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift. Within
    moments of the announcement, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious
    nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of
    geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of
    Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Zimbabwe and Myanmar in the Axis
    of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia quickly
    established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally
    Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,
    Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
    Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
    Olympics. Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are
    Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while
    Spain, New Zealand and Wales established the Axis of Countries That Would
    Like Their Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "It's just something we like to do," said
    Welsh Assembly Leader Rhodri Morgan.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun
    of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
    the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay",
    accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from
    Uruguay, Paraguay and Ukraineguay denied all charges.

    Meanwhile, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon insisted that Israel didn't want to
    join any Axis. Privately, world leaders said that was only because no one
    had asked him.
  8. Ooh_Aah_Cantona Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2000
    star 6
    I'm sorry, I got lost. Was that meant to be a joke? ?[face_plain]
  9. Arun Dale Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 21, 1999
    star 6
    Seems God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

    He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

    Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it flow, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

    On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

    Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

    And so it was. And it was...well, good.

    "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "So what's left in here anyway? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

  10. garrettendi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2001
    star 4
    A Dumb Blonde Joke:

    A plane has trouble while on a flight. The engine catches fire, and the pilot has the only parachute and ejector seat. The pilot blasts away to safety, leaving the passengers or 11 Blonde women, and 1 brunette.

    The rest of the plane soon catches fire, and to try and stay alive, all 12 women hang onto a rope, off the plane's undercarriage to avoid the fire.

    At this time, the brunnette (who is very intelligent), realises that 12 women hanging on a rope off a plane will make the plane fall faster. She calculates that with only 11 women on the rope, the plane should fall slowly, allowing them to make a safe (but bumpy) landing.

    She asks the blondes for a volunteer. But none of the blondes want to let go of the rope. So the brunnette says she will do it.

    The brunnette then gives this amazing, heartrending speech into how she will let go of the rope, and sacrifice her life to save the others.

    All the blondes are really touched by this, and applaud the brunette, thus letting go of the rope, and falling to their death.

    Damn that brunnettes clever.
  11. Arun Dale Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 21, 1999
    star 6
    How many men does it take to open a beer?


    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  12. MayhemUK Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 20, 2001
    star 4
    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

    The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

    "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

    With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

    "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
  13. Ooh_Aah_Cantona Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2000
    star 6
    why do women have small feet?

    So they can stand nearer the kitchen sink.

    //takes a standing ovation
  14. garrettendi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2001
    star 4
    That was a cr@p joke, OAC
  15. Ooh_Aah_Cantona Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2000
    star 6
  16. garrettendi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2001
    star 4
    On behalf of women. I am offended.

    //slaps OAC
  17. nemco1 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 2001
    star 2
    oac thats one of the first jokes you ever told me all those years ago,very funny!!
    as my feet are shrinking!!

    anyway,
    What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals?






    ....Phillippe Phallope.
  18. Tanktopgirl Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 25, 2001
    star 5
    A guy walks into a doctor's office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ass.

    Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."

    The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
  19. Arun Dale Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 21, 1999
    star 6
    LOL

    I like that one..
  20. Ooh_Aah_Cantona Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2000
    star 6
    aw, petal you remembered.

  21. MayhemUK Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 20, 2001
    star 4
    Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

    "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at curry cook-off.

    The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    ______________________________________
    Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
    _________________________________

    Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    ____________________________________________
    Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more
    beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

    FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
    my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
    _________________________

    Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
    __________________________________
    Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    _________________________________
    Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    ______________________________________
    Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
  22. garrettendi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 19, 2001
    star 4
    ROTFLMAO

    TTG, that was soooooo funny. [face_laugh]
  23. Tanktopgirl Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 25, 2001
    star 5
    A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find the herd.

    After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come."

    The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He's confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see
    anything. How do you know buffalo come"?

    The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."
  24. Ooh_Aah_Cantona Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2000
    star 6
    PIMP. LMAO @ TTG's joke.

    Might have to nick that one me dear.
  25. Arun Dale Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 21, 1999
    star 6
    What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

    A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.