A story about Lady Vader, Mot's Minx and Tanktopgirl

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots
a real cutie sitting on a cow pat and dives down toward her. "Pardon me"
he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

 

The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive
in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some
armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the
car. "Give us the money," they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for
money."

"Oh, ****," says the leader of the armed band, and
turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels."

"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on
state occasions."

The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they
hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
"Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover
at least," and with that the robbers drive off.

As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police
to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did
you do with all the cash you had? You're always
loaded."

"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in
the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled
up my notes and tucked them into that little place
that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she
produces several thousand pounds in notes.

"And what did you do with your jewels?

You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The
Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few
seconds before the robbers got to the car, I
slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like
you, slipped them into that little place that only
women have." Reaching down she plucks out her
jewellery.

They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the
Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been
with us, we could still have the Range Rover."

 

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


Q: What's bread?



























A: Raw toast

 

You can tell Anakin copied and pasted that joke... LOL

 

//tries to not to laugh at cass's post.

 

Its just the way I sent the email!!

 

Me shy about sex? Hardly

Bitter at being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China,
and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil, "which
they said would be at least as evil as the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of his recent State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as being
mere amateurs in the evil game. "In their dreams!" declared North Korean
leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils. We're the best"

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told
us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President
Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.
And a secret handshake, of course."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift. Within
moments of the announcement, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious
nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of
geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of
Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Zimbabwe and Myanmar in the Axis
of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia quickly
established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally
Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,
Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
Olympics. Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while
Spain, New Zealand and Wales established the Axis of Countries That Would
Like Their Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "It's just something we like to do," said
Welsh Assembly Leader Rhodri Morgan.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun
of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay",
accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from
Uruguay, Paraguay and Ukraineguay denied all charges.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon insisted that Israel didn't want to
join any Axis. Privately, world leaders said that was only because no one
had asked him.

 

I'm sorry, I got lost. Was that meant to be a joke? ?

 

Seems God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it flow, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "So what's left in here anyway? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

 

A Dumb Blonde Joke:

A plane has trouble while on a flight. The engine catches fire, and the pilot has the only parachute and ejector seat. The pilot blasts away to safety, leaving the passengers or 11 Blonde women, and 1 brunette.

The rest of the plane soon catches fire, and to try and stay alive, all 12 women hang onto a rope, off the plane's undercarriage to avoid the fire.

At this time, the brunnette (who is very intelligent), realises that 12 women hanging on a rope off a plane will make the plane fall faster. She calculates that with only 11 women on the rope, the plane should fall slowly, allowing them to make a safe (but bumpy) landing.

She asks the blondes for a volunteer. But none of the blondes want to let go of the rope. So the brunnette says she will do it.

The brunnette then gives this amazing, heartrending speech into how she will let go of the rope, and sacrifice her life to save the others.

All the blondes are really touched by this, and applaud the brunette, thus letting go of the rope, and falling to their death.

Damn that brunnettes clever.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?


None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

 

why do women have small feet?

So they can stand nearer the kitchen sink.

//takes a standing ovation

 

That was a cr@p joke, OAC

 

who was joking?

 

On behalf of women. I am offended.

//slaps OAC

 

oac thats one of the first jokes you ever told me all those years ago,very funny!!
as my feet are shrinking!!

anyway,
What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals?






....Phillippe Phallope.

 

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ass.

Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."

The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

 

LOL

I like that one..

 

aw, petal you remembered.

 

Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at curry cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
______________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
_________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more
beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
_________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
_________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

ROTFLMAO

TTG, that was soooooo funny.

 

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find the herd.

After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come."

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He's confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see
anything. How do you know buffalo come"?

The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."

 

PIMP. LMAO @ TTG's joke.

Might have to nick that one me dear.

 

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it.