Saga Delusions of Grandeur (The Sleuthing Adventures of Wes Zinnen) Episode2, up! (2/26) mmm..donuts!

Hi all! Anyone who knows me knows that I am in the Navy, and I just got back from an overly long deployment. So naturally as soon as I got back, I decided to start writing, and here's what I've come up with...enjoy and MTFBWY all! Love, your friendly neighborhood JMT

Title: Delusions of Grandeur
Timeframe: Shortly after Ep. III
Genre: Detective stories
Procrastinator, I mean, protagonist: Wes Zinnen
Disclaimer: All hail Uncle George, from whom I rip off tons of material every day.

Episode 1: Saved by Serious Shortcomings

You know, it?s kind of funny. Who would have ever thought delusions of grandeur could get a guy killed?

?This is Penni Duron reporting from right outside the halls of the Senate on Coruscant with HoloNet breaking news. Newly appointed Emperor Palpatine has just finished speaking in grave detail on a...just disturbing plot by the Jedi Council and sadly it would seem the rest of the Jedi Order as well to overthrow all levels of the government and seize power of the entire galaxy as we know it. Once considered the heroes of peace and justice, these conspirators are now obviously branded as outlaws, and armed and dangerous at that. We can only consider ourselves extremely lucky that the diligent efforts of Emperor Palpatine were able to foil-? Click.

This is a strange strange universe we live in. Here it is, a half past noon, I?m lying in bed, stayed up way too late drinking and doing don?t ask what else last night, and the only way to cure this hangover is to have another drink of Jabiimi Spiced Rum. And I?m pretty sure the fine Twi?lek lying next to me is a paralegal from the local prosecutor?s office, but now that the fog is lifting, I?m not exactly sure I even got her name before she showed me why Twi?leks have such a fantastic reputation. The reports are definitely true, by the way.

But because I?m such a complete and utter failure in life, I?m living to tell about it. Where is the sense in that?

In another life, I would have been Wes Zinnen, Jedi Knight. And right now, I would be a dead man. Instead, I got thirteen years of the most embarrassing humiliation that you would not even wish on your worst enemy, only to be told at the end of it ?a fine human being you are, but gifted with the Force, you are not.? Condescending piece of backward s speaking Bantha crap. That guy may have actually gotten what?s coming to him.

Let?s see, let?s list all the reasons I?m still breathing: I?m kind of clumsy. I?m not too bright. Skills with a lightsaber? None to speak of. Skills with the Force? Even less. I?m slow. I?m lazy. My attitude isn?t quite as positive as it should be. My outlook on life is as negative as it could be. People skills? Notta. (Just ask Master Rancissis about the time he let me tag along to see him settle a labor dispute between the Utarian Asteroid Governing Authority and the workers in the Flaxen Spice Miners? Union. Let?s just say the galaxy is in serious need of the medicinal flaxen spice and the Utarian Asteroid Field is in serious need of a new government. Curiously, neither can be found at the moment.)

So they didn?t trust me with a lightsaber, but they sure as hell trusted me with a shovel and hoe. Since I wasn?t going to be a Jedi any time in the near or distant future, they kindly offered for me to do manual labor in some farming community located way out in the Outer Rim, and I kid you not, I swear the planet was actually named Bumdeal . (They say it?s pronounced, ?BOOM-day-all,? but it?s clearly, ?Bumdeal?.) I kindly offered for them to stick their offer where the Twins of Tatooine don?t shine. But I was then lucky enough to get a counteroffer from that little booger of a troll.

?Go home now, you will. Never a Jedi will you be.?

Go home, I did. And a Jedi, I never was. But much happier, I definitely am. Dammit, he?s got me speaking backwards.

To teach us humility, we always lived very humbly in the Temple. Only the basic necessities in life, no fl

 

Welcome back, JMT! I've missed your writing around here, your OCs are always the perfect mixture of cynical, witty, in-it-for-themselves, yet somehow scruffy and lovable. LOL!

Looking forward to more!

 

Thank you so much, Gina. It is so great to hear from you again. I missed you guys, and I'm glad you can still put up with all the clones of your friendly neighborhood JMT...and by that I mean my OC's.

 

Wonderful start! Will you have a PM list for updates? I'd like to be in if so.

 

Thank ya! Well these days I don't have too many readers, so I'd love to PM you with updates. Thanks again!

 

I kid you not, I swear the planet was actually named Bumdeal . (They say it?s pronounced, ?BOOM-day-all,? but it?s clearly, ?Bumdeal?.)

Awesome. There?s just so much to like about this OC. He?s lazy, he?s selfish, he sleeps around with queen?s decoys, he?s a failure of a Jedi, and ? especially ? he?s a detective. That?s a great character right there in my book. His narration is the perfect blend of cynicism and irreverence for some good sleuthing times.

Please send a PM my way when you update.

 

Welcome back JMT! And it appears you've returned home with a bang.
I expect you to be getting this guy into some major trouble, and I don't think I'm going to be disappointed.

I picture this guy in my head, and immediately, the first image I get is that of Billy Bob Thorton.
This means you need to put me on your PM list.

 

Thanks all! PM's for everybody! I'm glad you can all enjoy this character. Definitely definitely fun and easy to write. The SWU needs a little lightheartedness, dontcha think? I've currently got two projects going. This one obviously and some Batman prose, for my much darker side. So if any of you guys are also into Bats, just lemme know! Updates for Wes soon to follow! And MTFBWYA!

-- your friendly neighborhood JMT

 

Welcome back from your deployment.

I don't think I've ever seen this particular approach taken with a character--a failed Jedi. That's a cool, intriguing notion, and heaven help me, I love misfit characters. Just from this first post, it seems to me that Wes has tons of potential, and I'm really looking forward to seeing where you take him.

LOL, the "Bumdeal" pronunciation reminded me of Dr. Beardface from Scrubs.


Go home, I did. And a Jedi, I never was. But much happier, I definitely am. Dammit, he?s got me speaking backwards.

Heh heh, that was awesome. The whole part with the labor dispute was neat too.

Great job, and I'm looking forward to more!

-Thumper

 

I appologize in advance, JMT, but when you said "Batman Prose" the first image it conjured in my mind was Batman sitting on the side of a building, sticking his tongue out in concentration, and scribbling poems into a notebook.

I couldn't help it

 

Thanks, Thumper! Glad ya liked! And there's more where that came from. In fact, it's right here! Here's Episode 2, entitled "I Got It From My Mama" or "Never Underestimate The Power of a Corellian Creme Donut!" Enjoy!

-----

?Good morning, Detective Zinnen. You have an urgent holo on line 3,? my cute little blonde hair, blue-eyed secretary Jen says to me as soon as I walk in the front door. 0800 Monday morning and already I?m being tasked with missions of the utmost importance to the security of all Coruscant. I walk into my office, shut the door, and press ?receive? on my holotransmitter as I hang my jacket up.

?Wesley, this is your mother.? Oh, son of a-

?Yes, Mom, I know. Believe it or not, I can actually see your beautiful face as well as you can see me. Hence the point of a holo.? I sit back in my executive pleather chair and prop my feet up on my desk. These conversations are usually never short and usually always painful.

?Don?t you be smart with me, young man. You?re not too old for me to bend you over my knee.?

?Yes, Mother, thank you, you make that abundantly clear, almost daily. Now to what do I owe the honor of being able to speak with you oh so early on Monday morning before I even have my first cup of coffee or Corellian Crème Donut from Dexter?s Diner??

?Oh, what have I told you about those dreadful things?? Here we go again. ?You know high cholesterol runs in the family. And with Flaxen Spice being so hard to find these days, who?s going to save you when you?re chasing after some dangerous criminal and you collapse and fall dead with a heart attack??

?Thanks, Mom. Love you too. Hold on, I have a holo on the other line.?

?But-? I press the hold button before she gets another word in. Before her image even has a chance to fade away, I press the intercom button.

?Jen, dear, would you mind stepping into my office for a moment??

?Right away, sir.? ?Sir,? that?s funny. You do have to admire her professionalism. She wants to be an officer someday. Can?t let that happen too soon though. She?s an excellent secretary.

Her divine legs walk into the office, followed by the rest of her fantastic body. ?Please, have a seat. So?what did you do this weekend??

She looks puzzled as she sits down across from me. ?Isn?t your mom still on the line?? she says inquisitively. She?ll make an excellent detective sometime in the distant future.

?Yeah, but she put me on hold. But anyway ? hey! You knew that was my mom and you didn?t pre-alert me?!?

She simply grins. And I think I?m in love. She?s good. And she?ll have to pay for that one.

?Well, since you asked, detective, Friday night Art from Accounting took me out to the opera house and then we-?

?Wait, you went out with Art from Accounting? Art from Accounting hasn?t had a date in two and a half years. How in the world did Art from Accounting get a date with you??

?He asked.?

?He asked??

?He asked.?

?He asked. Well?you wanna go out Friday night??

?No,? she says with a smile as she gets up and starts heading out of the office, ?that would be fraternization, sir.? She turns around and winks as she slides her hand up the door, ?And your mom is still on line 3.?

Now I know I?m in love. I wonder how she?ll take it when I fire her so she can go out with me.

?Mom,? I ask as I click the holo back on, ?you still there??

?Of course I?m still here, Wesley.? Fooey. ?Where have you been? I?ve been waiting here all day for you.?

?Very important police work, Mother, and it?s only 8:05. Speaking of which, hold on a sec, Mom.?

?Wait, don?t-? Click.

Intercom, ?Jen, dear, would you mind running to grab me a large coffee with extra cream and sugar and 3 Corellian Crème Donuts from Dex?s??

?Sir, you do know high cholesterol runs in your family, don?t you??

?Of course I do. Now, would you mind ? hey! How did you know that??

She turns around and smiles at me through the window. ?Good question. And sir, plea

 

?Wait, you went out with Art from Accounting? Art from Accounting hasn?t had a date in two and a half years. How in the world did Art from Accounting get a date with you??

?He asked.?

?He asked??

?He asked.?



Wonderful!

 

Well, thank you, Golden Jedi. I'm glad someone thinks it's wonderful.

 

One lousy beat-up droideka, and a perfectly good day is ruined. Figures.
Great stuff, triple-oh!

 

Great update!


And with Flaxen Spice being so hard to find these days

heh heh. Nice throwback.


who?s going to save you when you?re chasing after some dangerous criminal and you collapse and fall dead with a heart attack??

Ah, a mother's love is a beautiful thing.


Now I know I?m in love. I wonder how she?ll take it when I fire her so she can go out with me.

The competition was tough, but I think this was my favorite line from that post. LOL.

I loved Wes's interaction with his secretary. And now he's got an assignment, too. Kewlness! Based on what we've seen of him so far, it'll be interesting to see Wes on the job.

Keep up the good work!

-Thumper

 

This may be the beginning of a very beautiful or very destructive relationship.

Same difference to Wes, I?m sure.

I greatly enjoyed all the snappy dialogue here, from the fretting mother on Naboo to the secretary with legs. The interactions of these characters make the fic a lot of fun to read.

And I?ll be interested as well to see our detective in his element.

Fantastic update, JMT!

 

Now I know I?m in love. I wonder how she?ll take it when I fire her so she can go out with me.

Men!!

Fantastic as always, JMT. Love the dry wit, banter and quick humor. And I have to say I love the OC's name - Wesley. Of course I should love it, since it's one of my sons' name.

Looking forward to more.

 

Wooohoo! Thanks all! I'm glad everyone enjoyed the banter there between Wes, Jen, and Mommy Dearest. There'll be plenty more where that came from, I assure you. And Gina, I'm glad I picked Wes too. I am honored to have inadvertently named him after one of your kids! The sleuthing begins very soon - stay tuned, true believers!

- your friendly neighborhood JMT