Lions and Tigers and Padawans, Oh My! (Humor/JA)

Haven't finished reading it yet, but like it so far!

Up!

Sarah >^,,^<

 

Very interesting.... MORE SOON!!!!

 

I love it. The Zoo is on the loose.

 

(posted by Opie Wan Canoli & Jemmiah)

*********

Boy, that little guy can drive, An-Paj thought as he clung to the dashboard of Yoda's airspeeder. Beside him, Yoda dodged a slow-moving skiff, downshifted, and made the small engine scream with full throttle.
"Almost there, we are. Enjoying this, I am, hehe, hm", Yoda said as he swung the steering wheel, and somehow made the speeder go even faster.


An-Paj's jaw dropped. Impossible! This model- the aptly named Incom Padawan- only has a 350-klick top speed. An-Paj should know. That gearhead initiate who broke a leg last year could bore to galactic standard on the topic of airspeeders.


An-Paj's reverie stopped when Yoda pulled into the zoo parking lot, abruptly stopped, and just as abruptly spoke.
An-Paj became the only human alive who had heard Yoda swear- and what a swearer! But with good reason, An-Paj thought as he looked at the scene in the lot. Police cruisers were everywhere, some on their sides or roofs. Animals were wandering around, dazed by the flashing lights. Others were chasing assorted sentients. And he didn't even want to think about what that Bantha was doing to the Temple hoverbus. Well, the bus is big and brown. Not furry, though. Much more of this, and the Bantha won't be, either.


"Our work, we have cut out for us."


Once again Yoda had brought An-Paj back to the moment.


"No poodoo," An-Paj said.


As if on cue, a pikobi that had decided Yoda's speeder hood was a nice cozy spot to watch the mayhem issued an odd squishy noise, followed by an odder smell.


"Poodoo," Yoda stated flatly as they started toward the gates.

*********

The eye blinked.

Padawan Kylenn felt as if she had grown roots. The urge to run conflicted strongly against the equally powerful urge to stay completely frozen to the ground on which she stood. As both hidden creature and padawan observed each other, the initiates played not so very far away, completely oblivious.

That, thought Kylenn, is one monster eye. And monster eyes usually came attached to monster beings. She didn?t know what that thing was, but she would give any odds it wasn?t a Corellian tree squirrel.

OK. Think.

It?s big. Not all big things are necessarily carnivorous. But her force sense was telling her that it probably was. And anyway, why would it bother watching them with such interest if it was a vegetarian? What sort of creature would be that big? It would have to be something taller than a Bantha?about the same size as, say, a Rancor.

A RANCOR?!!

She felt her blood turn into a river of ice. Did Coruscant zoo have a Rancor? And if it did, WHAT THE HELL WAS IT DOING OUTSIDE ITS ENCLOSURE?

Probably got bored of the all-keeper diet and thought it would try padawan for a change, her inner voice mocked. She glanced up at that big, dilating eye. It was looking towards the children. No doubt, the loud noise, dancing and cavorting was proving highly interesting to the hidden observer.

She HAD to stop them.

Inching backwards, step by painfully slow step, Kylenn did not remove her eyes from the trees.

*******

***********

"Master Jinn."
"Hmmm?"

Qui-Gon did not stop for a moment. If he?d been in a hurry to reach Kylenn before, his pace most certainly did not slack now. Infact, his concentration had never seemed stronger. Jemmiah noticed how he kept his eyes fixed upon the ground as he walked. He must be doing something with that force stuff of his, she thought. Either that or he was trying desperately not to notice all the half-naked people that suddenly seemed to line the pathways.

Jemmiah?s eyebrows quirked upwards.


"Forgive me for saying this Master Jinn, but haven?t you noticed the number of undressed beings that we keep running into?"


His step became brisker. "I had, yes."
"There?s an awful lot of them." She frowned, staring at yet another one of the long coat brigade. "Sith on a stick! You could hang your laundry out to dry on?"


Qui-Gon caught hold of her arm and started to pull her along. "Just keep moving."

 

Naturalists in the zoo! Typical! Although they did have quite and unusual list of names!

Just remember Qui-Gon that Jemmiah usually always has a plan (granted you are usually the brunt of it) so just nod your head and slowly walk away!

 

Gross. Kill her Qui-Gon!

'Course I have a funny feeling that Qui's somewhat used to this sort of thing by now, huh?

Sarah >^,,^<

 

Qui will survive!!

 

(posted by Jemmiah)

*********

Padawan Kylenn had just about managed to make it back to the group. The kids were still larking about merrily, and she almost backed into the Wookie before she realized he was there.


"What are you doing?" He asked curiously, with the aid of his basic translator unit.
"Me? Er?I?m playing "Eye-Spy. Yes. That?s it."
The Wookie looked about. "Who with?"
She gulped. "M-mmyself."


The furry face of the young Wookie creased in puzzlement. "That?s not much fun."
"N-nno. You?re right. Let?s all play a game."
"What game?"
"Statues. You know how to play at statues, don?t you?"
"Uh-Huh."
"Good. Go get your friends and we?ll all play." She said, never taking her sight from that huge eye, hidden amidst the trees. All she had to do was keep them silent and still until Qui-Gon appeared with reinforcements. He?d help her, somehow. But there had to be no noise.

"The rules are simple. DON?T MOVE."

Or the first one to do so is Rancor meat, she thought.

************

"What you really need is a long chain."


Jemmiah was trying to explain her master plan to the naturists gathered around both Qui-Gon Jinn and herself. "Publicity." She went on. "How do you expect to get support from anyone if they don?t know anything about you. I mean," she indicated the list of names on the petition, "Senator Palpatine may be a worthy member of the cause and all that, but how is anyone supposed to hear about it? Do you see him chaining himself to the railings?"

Qui-Gon was hoping the ground would open up and swallow him. Jemmiah?s condition stopped him from making good his threat to give her a thrashing. That and the fact that Evla would in turn probably thrash him for chastising her. Which she probably would anyway when she got to hear about the "happy event" that was awaiting her ward and his padawan?

"Manacles. And a key, of course." Jemmiah added.

"My brother Mitch has a long chain that might work," mused the balding man, "I could contact him and get him to bring it over." He fished into his pockets and brought out his comlink.

Sith, thought Jemmiah. I?m glad he kept that in his pocket!

"He doesn?t live very far away. He?s an escapologist. He works as a children?s entertainer. I?m sure he?d lend us his chain, if I asked him?he could be here within half an hour."
"You do that!" brightened Jemmiah. "Tell him to bring the key as well."
"What do you think you?re playing at?" Qui-Gon hissed.
She looked at him. "I?m making sure our group of nature lovers all stay together in the one place, rather than wandering round the zoo frightening the kids and offending the parents." She paused. "And having a laugh."
"At other people?s expense?" Qui-Gon asked pointedly.
"Relax." She smiled at the group. "I?m doing this for the cause. By the time I?ve finished with them they?ll have so much publicity they won?t know what?s?"

She shivered suddenly. That stuff of Simeon?s was doing really strange things to her, she decided. One minute she felt as if she could fly, and the next she just wanted to curl up in a ditch somewhere and die. The extreme swings were catching her between joyous hyperactivity and crashing sickness.

Qui-Gon saw the swift change in her, and caught her by the arm. "Sit!" He commanded. "And stay quiet."


Reluctantly, she sat down once more. "I knew it," she muttered, "That Nerf-brains has poisoned me."
"If you?re no better in the next half hour or so, I?m calling the medics." He took off his robe and placed it over her shoulders.


"Cccareful, Master Jinn," she said, shaking again. "Thhhese pppeople wwwill thhhhink yyyour jjjoining thhhhem innn thhhheir ppprotest ifff yyyou ttttake offff annnything elsssse."
"Just keep quiet." He said, not unkindly, wondering how he had suddenly become so protective of her. "There?s not just you to think of, is there?"

Jemmiah frowned. What was that all about?
"I?m wwworried about Ben..I mmmean Obbbi-Wan. I dddidn?t hhhave tttooo mmmuch bbbut hhhee?"
"Shush." Qui-Gon said.

Although if he was honest, he was

 

Chained naturists?? Well it certianly make it easier for the authoritiws to pick them up!

What is that troll up to??

A still slightly intoxicated Simmy and Obi and their both miserable. I have a bad feeling about this!

 

"You shouldn't drink that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not good for the baby!"

~Jack and Lucy--While You Were Sleeping

Qui-Gon should say that to Jemmy

Liked the part with 'playing statues'! That was really funny, also drucken Obi and Simeon!! Very funny!!!

 

Jemmy, Jemmy, Jemmy! At least her motives were good!

Let's hope that nobody dies. (Yes, I'm mostly thinking of Kelan/ Keylen/ I'veforgottenhername, but Simeon and Obi-Wan are getting awfully close to the top of the list).

Sarah >^,,^<

 

(posted by Jemmiah)

**********

"I feel better now." Jemmiah piped up. Qui-Gon did not look convinced. Not remotely.


"Are you sure?" The skeptical look remained upon his face. The one she referred to as the patented Jinn look.
"Yes. I told you. It comes and goes. Like waves. But you don?t have to call the medics. I?m fine."
"Really?"
"Yes!"


Trying to convince him was proving to be an impossible task. "Would I lie to you?"
"I?d be worried if you didn?t," Qui-Gon replied tartly, "you?ve been doing it ever since I met you."
"That?s not fair!"

Qui-Gon smiled. His point, he thought.

He looked across at the naturists. The brother of the balding man had arrived some three minutes ago, and Qui-Gon did not want to get any more involved than was absolutely possible. "Good." He spoke out loud to Jemmiah. "If you?re feeling better, we can get going."


"Not yet." She got to her feet. "It?s just getting interesting." He watched in dismay as yet another high seemed to kick in, just as suddenly as the low had. The situation was getting out of hand, he realized. Like it or not, she was going to see An-Paj even if he had to drag her by the scruff of the neck. She bounded across the grass towards the railings.

"You all set then?" Jemmiah asked, a large smile spreading openly on her face.
"I think so," grinned back the balding man, "we?re just looking for the best way to do this."
Jemmiah scanned the area quickly. "You want to make sure that you?re comfortable." Her eyes alighted on a section of metal railing, in direct sunlight. The open smile became an evil grin.


"How about there?" She pointed. "You don?t want to be catching cold, do you?"

Jemmiah and the man?s brother helped to chain all eleven of the naturists to the railing, whilst Qui-Gon looked on in fascinated horror. "I think I?d better take the key." She flashed her prettiest smile. "That way the only way they?ll get you away from the railings is with a lightsabre. And besides, we don?t want any cheating do we? This is a proper protest, isn?t it?"

Concurring, the key was handed dutifully over. Jemmiah?s grin widened.

"I think what we should be doing," she indicated Qui-Gon, "is spreading the word. Tell as many people as possible what?s going on. Maybe get the reporters in, that sort of thing." She waved a casual salute. "We?ll be back later."

Loping back to Qui-Gon with the key in her pocket, she hooked her arm through his and tried to hurry away. "C?mon, we?re going to find Kylenn. Or what?s left of her."

Qui-Gon looked at her disapprovingly. "You know that they are going to get horribly sunburned where they are, strapped to that railing. It?ll be like being tied to a griddle. They?ll have stripes on their bodies for weeks!"

Jemmiah laughed.

"That?s nothing," she said, fingering the key. "Just wait ?till they find out about the ant hill they?re standing on!"

***********

"I can still smell burning." Obi-Wan declared woozily.

Simeon sniffed the air. There WAS something?

"Yes. Maybe you?re right." He looked at his friend. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Nope."
"Nevermind." He bit nervously at his fingernails, a habit he seemed to have picked up from these little dark-force vipers playing around him. "When Master Yoda is through with us, we?ll look back on how we feel now as a happy and positive experience."
"I don?t think so, somehow."


Simeon smiled a fraction, although the effort cost him some pain. His facial muscles were spasming every now and again, making him look like he had a nervous tick.


"That?s not that attitude." Simeon frowned. "Look on the bright side. When Master Jinn and Master Windu are finished with us?"
"There won?t be anything left of us for Yoda to have a go at." Obi-Wan interrupted.


Sighing, Simeon agreed that it did seem a likely scenario. "Alternatively, Yoda might kill your master first."
"That?s meant to make me feel better?" Obi-Wan asked miserably, unhappy at causing Qui-Gon such embarrassment.
"No," Simeon thought for a while, "but it sure as hell ma

 

*dies laughing. then realizes, she already died laughing after the first post of this thing. hmmm. maybe she's making humor-fic history...*

Oh man, Jemmy's a fast one! Maybe this will teach them a lesson about accepting help from bright teenage girls.

Now, what exactly did the kids set on fire?

Sarah >^,,^<

 

ROFLOL!!

Obi-Wan and Simeon, and the adventures of the two stooges!

 

>>>"Awww, c?mon. It?s a question of mind over matter." Simeon reassured Obi-Wan. "I don?t mind and you don?t matter."<<<

Oh brother! Such a friend

That's VERY FUNNY Jemmy!

 

I know the storie's not there yet, but I already feel sorry for Jemmy's shoe...

 

....what about her shoe?

 

(posted by Jemmiah)

PS: *free plug for the Jemmiah Chronicles*: make Mouse and I very happy and please read the repost of Someone to Watch Over Me*

No? Well...it was worth a go! Can't blame me for trying! LOL!

***********

Master Windu was having an unfruitful time. His initial idea of trying to speak to Qui-Gon regarding Jemmiah had completely lost its appeal. He?d decided that going back to Kenobi and Cates was also a bad idea, after his little outburst of panic.

And besides, the kids would just laugh at him.

Scratching at the back of his head and neck for what seemed like the thousandth time that afternoon, Mace had hired a mini transport within the grounds to get him quickly from point A to point B that much quicker. If he couldn?t help the others, then he could see what could be done for Bai and his initiates. He was probably only over-reacting. Drugged initiates in a zoo? It was about as unlikely as, say?

Drunken padawans in a zoo.

Gritting his teeth, Windu headed towards the duck pond. It hadn?t been an easy search so far. There were many ponds dotted all over the zoo.

And all of them had ducks.

Bai hadn?t exactly been overflowing in his description. Still, Mace thought, he had managed to narrow it down considerably. Bai had been sending out signals of desperation like a homing beacon, and that was what Mace was ranging in on now.

Finally, Windu spotted the little group. Complete with his little Alderaani mischief-maker of a runaway! Sith, was that kid in trouble. The rest of the group seemed to be asleep. Probably sunstroke thought Mace.

As he got nearer, he began to reevaluate the situation.

"Master Windu!" Bai shouted. "I thought everyone had forgotten us." He looked as if he would drop to his knees and bow down infront of the Jedi master out of relief and gratitude. "The kids won?t wake up, and this," he indicated the Alderaani boy, "little monster has deactivated half the controls in the zoo, and now most of the animals are loose!"

As if on cue, a large reptilian growl seemed to reverberate from behind them.

"What in the name of Yoda was that?!?" Windu yelled.
"I don?t know," gulped Bai fearfully, "and I?m not terribly keen on finding out!"
"Don?t panic!" Windu said, as much to himself as to the padawan beside him. "Help me lift the initiates into the speeder, then we can get going."

Sith, he hated the zoo. He hated it!

Bai was helping to load the last one into the back, when he thought he felt something tickling the back of his hand. Another shrill animal scream seemed to come from the bushes.


"Let?s get out of here!" He quaked.
"Don?t worry." Mace tried to steady the younger man. "You?re all right as long as you keep calm. If you don?t show any fear then you?re? FORCEPRESERVEUS!!!"

Windu looked down at his hand. He had felt it become really itchy like his head and neck, just in the last ten minutes or so, and had been absently scratching away, when he?d noticed what appeared to be small insect like creatures disturbing the hairs on his wrist.

There were dozens of them!

The sermon he?d just given Bai on showing fear and remaining calm at al costs had just been shoved to one side completely. "What are they!?" Bai?s eyes rounded in distaste.

"Ticks!" Yelled Windu, flapping his arms about in horror, "Sith! They?re all over me! Get them off! Get them off!"

If Qui-Gon had been there, he could have told the amazed padawan about Mace Windu?s distaste for all things creepy-crawly, stemming from an incident during a meditation session in the temple gardens, when An-Paj had been called in to remove a large fork-tail stinger from his left nostril. Not to mention all those roaches he'd accidentally eaten as a padawan?

However, Windu was managing to adequately convey his terror all by himself. "Get them off! Sith! Those blasted Murrits! They must?ve been crawling?oh, Sith THEY?RE ON MY NECK! Hell?s teeth!"

Mace Windu did the only thing possible to him. He turned and dived headfirst into the duck pond, amidst great quackin

 

THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY, JEMMIAH!!!

 

OH *THAT* WAS SOOOOO FUNNY!!!!! THAT WAS HILARIOUS, JEMMY!!!!!! I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE PART WITH OBI/SIMEON/AN-PAJ/AND YODA!!!! THAT WAS TOO GOOD!!!!!!! HEE HEE

 

Glad you're all enjoying it!

 

(posted by Jemmiah)

The first indication that things were going even worse than Qui-Gon has anticipated came when he realized Jemmiah could no longer walk in a straight line. Her face was a mixture of intense concentration and confusion at her sudden inability to accomplish the mechanics of placing one leg in front of the other. Every so often, she would stumble, and Qui-Gon would do his best to catch her. She was looking more than a little glazed and he was getting more than a little worried?

"Master Jinn?" She sighed. "My legs don?t work any more. Why is that, do you think?"
"Because you?re "Molassed" as you Corellians so quaintly put it." Qui-Gon tried to get her to walk forwards instead of sideways.

"Oh. How did that happen? I don?t remember. I always remember when I get slammed." Her eyes seemed to cross for a moment or two, before she steadied herself.
"Because you were drinking some form of alcohol. Is it all coming flooding back now?" Qui-Gon replied irritably.
"No."
"Then let me refresh your memory." Qui-Gon attempted to steer her to the left when she was about to veer off in the wrong direction. "Simeon Cates had a flask containing Sith knows what. At some point not only you but my idiot apprentice both took a drink."

A huge grin spread across Jemmiah?s face.


"Simeon. Yeah, I remember. He?s a naughty boy, that one."
Qui-Gon blinked. "Pardon?"
"Hmm. D?you know, he turned up to my sixteenth birthday celebration last year wearing just a smile and a long, pink feather boa?"

Qui-Gon did not want to dwell on that image.

"At least Obi-Wan wouldn?t dare try that." Qui-Gon said through gritted teeth.
"No. You?re right."
"Pleased to hear it."

Pause.

"He wore a blue one."
"What!"
"Uh-huh." Nodded Jemmiah enthusiastically. "He wore a bigger one to match his smile." She grinned.

Qui-Gon was stunned. "Who else was at this party?"
"Myself." Jemmiah bit her lip, trying to recall the details. "Ben? Simeon? Jay Abran? Bai?Tanni?Jodi?Kryztan?Zac?"
"All MALES." Qui-Gon remarked, his tone acidic.
"Yeah." She smirked.
"Anyone else?"
"Err?let?s see." She thought for a moment. "Master Berlingside and Master Windu."
"Dex and Mace?!?"
"They helped organize it. With Jay and Ben. I said I didn't want any fuss or effort about my turning sixteen. Just something low-key and minimalist. They all took me at my word and turned up wearing very little of anything at all."

Qui-Gon shook his head. "Nothing surprises me about Master Berlingside. He's never had any sense of discipline or shame. I?m beginning to see a new side to Master Windu." He said archly.
"Yeah. So did we. He showed us that really weird tattoo on his?"
"Keep going!" Qui-Gon almost swept her onwards.

Jemmiah groaned. "I feel so strange. I?m not sure if I can?"
"Just try putting your left foot in front of your right." Snapped Jinn.


She looked at him; large rounded pools of copper staring up in optimism. "I don?t s?pose you could carry me?"
He raised an eyebrow. "You are just trying to take advantage of my good nature."
"It?s a pain in the rear isn?t it? People are always trying to take advantage of me, too."
"Yes, well in your case they succeed."

His meaning managed to sink through the Sandolomide-induced haze, and she looked at him, hurt. Qui-Gon regretted what he had said, but did not retract his statement.

She glanced away. "I hate myself." She said.
"I?m sure you?ll get over it." Qui-Gon replied.
"No." Facing him once again, Jemmiah seemed to sober a little. "I?ve always hated myself."
"That?s the drink talking."


Glaring, she tried to stagger away from him. "I?m going home."


"Don?t be silly. You?ll never find your way back to your apartment in that state." Qui-Gon made a lunge for her arm, but she tried to push him away. Instead, her elbow connected sharply with his other cheekbone.

Sith, thought Qui-Gon as he put his hand to his eye. Now he would have a matching bruise to explain away. In that short amount of time Jemmiah had staggered several paces up the path, and Qui-Gon bounde

 

That was cute! Nice to know Qui's willing to forgive and forget, though he may get angry all over again when he finds out what's REALLY going on with Jemmy