Beyond - Legends Not the Beginning (Ben songfic)

Title: Not the Beginning

Author: Tarsier

Timeframe: ~41 ABY AU (canon through Sacrifice, then Jacen is redeemed shortly after he kills Mara)

Characters: Ben, mention of (redeemed) Jacen and (deceased) Luke

Genre: songfic, introspection, one-shot

Summary: Ben Skywalker struggles to cope with the death of his father.

Disclaimer: Based on the lyrics from "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park. I think it helps to listen to the song while reading.

Warning: No character death in the story itself, but takes place during Luke's funeral.

Word Count: 975

Notes: This is a continuation of the Chasing Whisperkits timeline, but reading Chasing Whisperkits is not necessary to understand this story. This takes place shortly before the work-in-progress Chase.

This is my first real attempt to write Ben, so any comments or critiques are very much appreciated. Thanks for reading!

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This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Though the words sound steady
Something empty’s within them

My cousin Jaina was reading the eulogy. She read it reasonably enough. She talked about what a great man my father was. The words “Jedi” and “hero” came up a lot. But I can’t take her seriously. This was just another performance, yet another turn for her in the spotlight.

He was my father; I should have been in charge of the funeral arrangements. Or at least I should have had a say. But, no, Jaina, so-called Sword of the Jedi, had to take over. She would not even grant me a single request. It wasn’t even an unreasonable request.

All I wanted was for Jacen Solo, my father’s only living nephew and Jaina’s own twin brother, to be able to attend.


Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control

I look around at the crowded room. Where the Kessel did all these people come from? They’re not close personal friends of my father, I can tell you that much. I bet half of them never even met my father.

Jaina finally finished and now an x-wing pilot I barely recognize is speaking. I just want it to be over. I wanted a small service for friends and family. But of course I was overruled and half the galaxy was invited. Apparently my father was a “public figure” and as many people as possible should be able to mourn his death. It’s all political posturing though. The public can hold whatever memorial services they want. They don’t need to be here, now.

At least the casket is closed now. I got to come early and see him. Say goodbye to his flesh and blood. It was awful. He looked so old. Weak. It was sort of absurd, really—a Jedi Master stuck in a flimsy wooden box.

I shake my head. I don’t want to think about it. Another speaker steps up and I hope he’s the last. As soon as the funeral is over I can visit Jacen. I’m sure they expect me to attend the reception, but I won’t. I just can’t take any more. I need to be away from these people. I need to be near someone who knew my father but has nothing to do with this circus.

Jacen knew my father. Maybe even better than I did.


Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go

All this has probably made me sound cold. Like I don’t care that my father died. But of course I do. I loved my father. It’s just that, I didn’t know him very well. Not until last year anyway. And by then I already knew his time was running short. I knew he wouldn’t last long after my mother died.

We spent almost a year traveling together. Flying, and talking, sometimes even laughing. It was fun. But it didn’t make up for the fourteen years I barely saw him.

There was a lot of stuff I wanted to say to him. Not all of it nice. But I didn’t tell him my childhood sucked because I knew he did the best he could for me. I knew my childhood was better than most of his adulthood.

We talked about smashball and tourist attractions. Not about what it was like to be the one man everybody in the galaxy looked to for salvation when anything bad happened, whether it was a hostile alien invasion or a bloody civil war.

Or what it was like to be his son.


I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

I may never know what it was like to be my father, but I understand Jacen. Most people don’t get it, but I do. I know he made mistakes, and I know he’s better now.

I’ve made mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Even my father –he’d be the first to tell you that. I’ve lied and I’ve cheated and I’ve even been tempted by the Dark Side. That doesn’t mean I’ll spend my whole life being a liar or a cheater or a Sith Lord. I’ve learned from my screw-ups and I’ve moved on. That’s all Jacen wants to do. But his own family won’t let him.


I thought it felt right
But that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
Trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
I don’t even know what kind of things I’ve said

I know he regrets what happened. Jacen got caught up in something. Something much bigger than himself. He thought he was doing the right thing, he thought he was saving lives. Then things got out of control. He probably doesn’t even remember half of what he did.

I know he would undo it if he could. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what people want – for Jacen to go back in time and undo the bad things. But that’s impossible. Don’t they get that?


Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so

Right now Jacen’s locked up in his cell, alone. Meditating, probably. He spends a lot of time meditating these days. I suppose because he has nothing else to do.

He wasn’t supposed to be there indefinitely. My father was supposed to sentence him. Everyone expected Jacen to be executed, but my father refused to pass a sentence before he had forgiven Jacen. He died before reaching a decision. So now no one knows what to do. It had been hard enough to get everyone agree to let Grand Master Skywalker be the judge; it seems unlikely they will ever agree again. So Jacen is in limbo, sitting in a cell waiting for a judgment that will never come.


So I’m picking up the pieces
Now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

I think I should be Jacen’s sentencer. This all started with the incident with my mom after all. And who better to take over my father’s responsibility than his one and only son?

I would give Jacen a second chance. I’d forget the past and let him start over new. That would be bad enough, going from having the galaxy at your fingertips to having nothing.

I know they’ll never let me decide Jacen’s fate. But maybe it’s time I quit letting them tell me what to do. Maybe it’s time I just do what I think is right. Do what I want to do.

 

Ok, so I am like crying my eyes out right now, first of all because it was so well written, secondly because you killed Luke while Ben was still a boy and thirdly, I know what it is like to lose a parent and not have ANY say in the funeral. My father wanted to be cremated among other things and I will probably go to my own grave regretting that I did not try to do any of those things.

Bravo

 

Poor Ben! To not have any say over what happens to/at his fathers funeral.

Luke would have allowed Jacen to come to his funeral (if people could decide such things) since he had been redeemed. While Ben says he didn't really know his father (and oh how that breaks my heart!) it seems like he is the one that knows him the best. He knows he wouldn't want some grand affair, knows that he would forgive Jacen.

The last part where Ben decides he has to be the one to decide Jacen's fate was heart-breaking!

Great job! The song wove perfectly into the story!

 

That was a very moving story. Ben seems to be so lonely.

He should have been allowed to fulfill his father's wishes.

 

Wow...I was looking for a really good, uplifting story on this dreary, dreary day. This was not it lol

Still, a very beautiful, well written piece. Poor Ben, but atleast you gave him Jacen to fall back on.

 

Briannakin

Ok, so I am like crying my eyes out right now, first of all because it was so well written, secondly because you killed Luke while Ben was still a boy and thirdly, I know what it is like to lose a parent and not have ANY say in the funeral. My father wanted to be cremated among other things and I will probably go to my own grave regretting that I did not try to do any of those things.

I'm so sorry to make you cry! I didn't mean for it to hit so close to home. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think Luke much cared how his funeral went, so long as Ben was safe and he was with Mara again.

Thank you so much for commenting!



mavjade

Luke would have allowed Jacen to come to his funeral (if people could decide such things) since he had been redeemed. While Ben says he didn't really know his father (and oh how that breaks my heart!) it seems like he is the one that knows him the best. He knows he wouldn't want some grand affair, knows that he would forgive Jacen.

Yes, Ben knows his father better than he thinks he does. In time I'm sure Luke would have forgiven Jacen.


The last part where Ben decides he has to be the one to decide Jacen's fate was heart-breaking!

Ben's about to take control of the situation. Hopefully he'll be able to handle it.


Great job! The song wove perfectly into the story!

Thank you! The song did fit really well, actually made writing the story pretty easy.



Hazel

That was a very moving story. Ben seems to be so lonely.

Thank you! It's tough to lose one parent, much less two. But Ben's strong, he'll get through it!



LoriLynn

Wow...I was looking for a really good, uplifting story on this dreary, dreary day. This was not it lol

Sorry! I wish I could write bright, uplifting stories, but things tend to come out pretty dark for me.


Still, a very beautiful, well written piece. Poor Ben, but atleast you gave him Jacen to fall back on.

Thank you very much! Yes, Ben does have Jacen if nothing else.

 

I really liked your Ben, very much in the spirit of the first books of Legacy of the Force, I love him like this, a thoughtful, considerate, compassionate. And Jacen did in Jedi really - did not kill him, and put on trial. Sad fanfic turned out, but it's understandable - the funeral after all. I wonder why Luke died.

Bel

 

I really enjoyed that! Great insights into Ben's character.

Well done!

 

DarthBellumSolo

I really liked your Ben, very much in the spirit of the first books of Legacy of the Force, I love him like this, a thoughtful, considerate, compassionate.

I'm so glad you liked him! I'm not that familiar with Ben, so that's very nice to hear.


And Jacen did in Jedi really - did not kill him, and put on trial.

Yeah, I would have preferred that Jacen was redeemed and put on trial, rather than killed. But I really didn't like the fact that he was killed by his sister....


I wonder why Luke died.

Well, it wasn't really that important to the story, but in my mind, Luke just pushed himself too hard for too long and eventually his body just sort of gave out.

Thanks very much for your comments!



Jade_Pilot

I really enjoyed that!

I'm glad to hear it!


Great insights into Ben's character.

I was a bit worried about writing Ben, I'm really glad he didn't seem too out of character.

Thank you very much for reading!