The SW Anti-Guru

"Which makes a better meal, deep fried Ackbar, grilled Tauntaun, blackened Wampa, or baked Gungan? And what is the best wine to serve with each? "

Let me start with wines. Deep fried Ackbar calls for a dry white, perhaps a Chardonnay from Chateau Yavin. Grilled Tauntaun is surprisingly bland so I like to pull out a bold compliment, perhaps a vintage '98 Merlot from Naboo. I always eat my blackened Wampa with pasta and marinara so a semi-sweet table red is in order. Baked Gungan? That's easy, a Gewuertztraminer from Virginia.

Best meal? Fried Ackbar, hands down. remember though, the Ackbar must be fried at its peak of freshness or else the meal is ruined. What I'm saying is that he must be boiled alive. The screaming subsides after a few minutes but the aroma of a lovely meal lasts for hours.

 

Oh great Anti-Guru, why was Leia's clevage bouncing during the filming of ANH considered a problem? Why did they correct it? Would ANH have been even more popular if they hadn't?

 

"Oh great Anti-Guru, why was Leia's clevage bouncing during the filming of ANH considered a problem? Why did they correct it? Would ANH have been even more popular if they hadn't?"

Leia's cleavage wasn't really the problem. The problem was that super slo-mo wasn't invented until 1987. GL refused to include those wonderful orbs unless he could sync their undulation with a beautiful piece written by John Williams entitled "Leia's Love Pillows".

 

When GL originally wrote ANH, Obi-Wan was not planned to be killed off. GL only wrote that in when he realized Obi-Wan would have little to do in the next two movies. If he hadn't been, what would Obi-Wan have been doing in ESB and ROTJ? Also, would he have gotten a chick?

That makes me wonder also, was Obi-Wan a virgin?

 

GL had a treatment written for Obi-Wan where he is captured by the imps and is sent to a POW camp. There he is charged by the ruthless commandant to design and construct a bridge over a river strategic to the Empire's success. GL soon realized that this had been done before so he decided to just kill the old fart.
Did Ben ever bump uglies with any of the fine honies in the galaxy? Well, the answer is a qualified no. He did claim to have a girlfriend that he met on vacation but she lives in Canada.

 

Ack! I am having flashbacks of '80's teenage agnst movies! Arggh!!

 

GL brought in John Hughes to help direct the budding relationship between Anakin and Padmé in EPII.

 

So Anakin is a leather jacket-wearing punk who's dad buys him beer for Christmas, and Padme is the most popular girl in school who hides from the realities of the world by surrounding herself with material and social excesses?

Who's taping people's ass-cheeks together?

 

Han is the butt cheek taper. Chewie is the strange loner with dandruff and Luke is the smart kid who can't pass shop class.

 

Greetings Exalted One:

1) How many teeth does a yuzzum have?
2) Was there ever an open mouth kiss between Luke and Leia?
3) Do SW characters ever have to use the bathroom?

 

1) How many teeth does a yuzzum have?
That depends on whether you are referring to a regular yuzzum or a Kentucky yuzzum? There's a big difference.

2) Was there ever an open mouth kiss between Luke and Leia?
Leia tried to plant a big french kiss on Luke while they were on Hoth. Luke was born with an attached septum so he couldn't stick his tongue out in reciprocation. Leia was offended and turned her lusty eye toward Han "the tongue" Solo. The rest is history. Luke's condition was hereditary and it is also what ultimately doomed Vader's marriage.

3) Do SW characters ever have to use the bathroom?
No. They all explode at age 40.

 

Oh great Anti-Guru, would a Jedi make a good lover because of all the kinky things they could do with the force?

 

No one will ever know. You see, because of all of the kinky they can do with the force they feel no need to add anyone else to the equation. Yoda and Ben weren't hiding from the Emperor, it was just that no one could get them out of the house.

 

Oh Great Anti-Guru, I watched the holiday special yesterday and my head still hurts. Is this normal? How long will it last?

Also: Why does Chewie's son Lumpy sound like a taun-tuan?

How did Bea Arthur become bartender at the cantina?

 

Oh great Anti-Guru, we all know that Ben survived twenty years of potential lonliness by frequenting local bars, but how did Yoda keep himself occupied and avoid depression?

 

Are there prank holo calls in the Star Wars galaxy?

Why did Yoda move to Dagobah of all places?

How come we never see Vader tending to his flock of sheep?

Why didn't Palpatine get cosmetic surgery?

If Leia had chosen Luke, would Lucas have made Han her brother?

 

"Oh Great Anti-Guru, I watched the holiday special yesterday and my head still hurts. Is this normal? How long will it last?
Also: Why does Chewie's son Lumpy sound like a taun-tuan?
How did Bea Arthur become bartender at the cantina?"

The pain you are feeling is quite normal and unfortunately chronic. No one afflicted has ever fully recovered. The symptoms will persist and intensify. Symtoms include, but are not limited: anal bleeding, hacking cough, heebie jeebies, night sweats, blurred vision, flatulence, arm pain, indigestion, sensitivity to light and darkness, rage, paranoia, insomnia, fatigue, ickyness.

The Lumpy/taun-taun connection is purely coincidental. Reports of Mrs. Chewbacca's secret affair on Hoth years ago were a complete fabrication on the part of Look Magazine.

As for Ms. Arthur, I'll leave out the gory details. There was a contest, several people (including Bea) pulled their pants down, a yard stick was used, she won.

 

"Oh great Anti-Guru, we all know that Ben survived twenty years of potential lonliness by frequenting local bars, but how did Yoda keep himself occupied and avoid depression? "

He spent most of his time filing frivolous nuisance lawsuits and trying to get published in Penthouse Forum.

 

Are there prank holo calls in the Star Wars galaxy?
"Coruscant Bowl-a-Rama, can I help you?"
"Hoooo-puhhh hoooo-puhhh, do you have 10 pound balls?"
"Yes we do, Lord Vader."
"Doh! <<click>>"

Why did Yoda move to Dagobah of all places?
He found a rent controlled place with free utilities. He just couldn't pass it up.

How come we never see Vader tending to his flock of sheep?
Sensitive nurturer is not a quality that strikes fear into the hearts of men.

Why didn't Palpatine get cosmetic surgery?
He did. He got his eyes done and a tummy tuck between ESB and ROTJ.

If Leia had chosen Luke, would Lucas have made Han her brother?
The better question is what would have happened if Luke had chosen Han.

 

Just how hard is it to pull the ears off a gundark...and why would you?

 

Its very difficult unless you use the right technique: twist then pull.
There used to be no justifiable reason to rip their ears off. Then they started to be used in Japanese cuisine and are considered a delicacy. A pound of ears can fetch up to $1000 in some Asian markets.

 

Wouldn't this have made a little more sense....

Ben--"Use the Force Luke!!"

Luke--"Riiight, I saw how well that worked for you. I think I'll stick with the targeting computer."

 

DarthGelatinous seems to have taken some time off but if anyone wants to ask anything I'll be able to take over until the wise one's return. (Remember this is a joke forum)

 

Thanks for holding down the fort, Kyp. I've been trapped near the inner circle of self doubt. Rumors concerning my relationship with Julia Roberts were untrue. My association with Ms. Roberts is purely sexual.

As for your excellent question...Luke used the force because he was terribly far-sighted, he couldn't focus on the targeting computer display anyway. GL added Obi's voice over later because he decided that 'the force' sounded better than 'dumb luck'.

 

was chewie ever a space chess child prodigy? did his father push him too hard?

did han ever question his sexuality?

is it true that R2 was originally scripted to speak nothing but an endless stream of profanity?