CONTEST Treatment Contest Round 1

Discussion in 'Star Wars: Episode VII and Beyond (Archive)' started by PrincessKenobi, May 16, 2013.

  1. Jedsithor Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 2005
    star 4
    I'd want to follow Star Wars tradition and cast unknowns for the main three hero roles of the trilogy (Anna, Del and Val though Val isn't a lead until VIII). I'd certainly be open to casting established actors in villain and supporting roles.
  2. Darth_Pevra Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2008
    star 5
    Sorry, but Force Heretics isn't a very good one imo. Here my hopefully constructive critizism:

    The cult comes off as cliché. There is no real twist to it. If you named them Ori I wouldn't raise an eyebrow. Comparably the Vong are far more interesting.

    There is an overt focus on the force. Remember, having too much of a good thing isn't a good idea. Also too many Jedi main characters.

    Some of what is described can hardly be translated to screen like the Voice being a "force void". In a real treatment this wouldn't work.

    Luke's death is as cliché as it gets. The fights also come off video-gamish with Jedi hacking through hordes of enemies.

    A big one: Almost no internal conflicts whatsoever.

    Barely any worldbuilding or Sci-Fi for that matter.

    What I liked: Lando as president, the idea of a dark cult threatening the galaxy, having dark siders but no Sith as enemies, the mystery element
    Last edited by Darth_Pevra, May 30, 2013
  3. Jedsithor Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 2005
    star 4
    Ori...from Stargate? As for there being no real twist, like what? A secret Jedi illuminati? It's pretty much impossible to do an evil cult/religion in fantasy without an "I'm right and everyone who disagrees must be killed" motif. If there's a "twist" it's that every Sith and Jedi in history may have been completely wrong about the Force but that whole thing is something to explore across the trilogy. I really just wanted to introduce them in Episode VII, show that they're powerful and have them disappear without the heroes ever really knowing what they just went up against.

    But my concept is about the Force so it's kind of impossible to avoid. Really what I want to do is bring some of the mystery and a sense of the unknown back to the Force. As for having too many Jedi characters, I really don't get that. Luke is a Jedi, Han and Leia's children are bound to have been trained and Leia herself has probably had some training. It's a natural progression from Return of the Jedi.

    "Real" treatments generally aren't written in a single night. They're also not scripts. I put some dialogue in there but generally speaking they're just rundowns of the story. If I was actually scripting the scene there would dialogue to explain what Luke is sensing (or not sensing in this case). I'm generally a fan of "show, don't tell" but in some cases, telling is necessary. And while Luke senses emptiness in The Voice, remember this is a trilogy. Some things will remain unsolved by the end of this film (look at me, talking as if I'm going to make it :p).

    It's basically Obi-Wan's death, with the same stakes of allowing the heroes to get away but on a larger battlefield. This was deliberate and goes back to Lucas' idea for the movies of themes being repeated.

    Well...they're Jedi. They've got lightsabers. And being Skywalkers, they're obviously pretty powerful. Again, there is a deliberate reason for this, though it may not have come across properly in the treatment, which I apologise for. The first sequence, with Del hacking his way through the pirate ship was meant to show his power and confidence but also arrogance. When he faces The Voice's challenge, the idea is that basically he's humiliated. For all his power, he's no match for The Voice. In fact, The Voice has been toying with him the whole time. As for Luke...well, Luke is Luke. Decades after ROTJ, he's lived up to his potential and he's the most powerful Jedi, possibly ever. But even Luke has limits. The enemy they face, and this becomes more apparent in the sequels, appear to have no limits.

    I wouldn't say that. You have the fractured relationship between Del and Han, Del's lack of humility and his desire to show the world just how good he is. One thing I didn't really get into in the treatment, which was a mistake on my part, is that Leia doesn't really want to be a Jedi. She has the training but she's never really put it to use. In essence, she fears the power and what it might do to her. In fact, she was probably even reluctant to allow Luke to train her children. She steps into the Jedi role at the end of the movie and in Episode VII, you'd see her struggle with that. She doesn't really know how to be a Jedi.

    I admit I could have gone much deeper into the conflicts though I also didn't want to get too deep into it. I'm treating it as a new introduction rather than just a sequel to ROTJ. So I don't want to get too bogged down in internal conflicts. They're there of course but the characters will be developed across the trilogy.

    I dunno, introducing a hostile threat from outside the galaxy, establishing the state of the Jedi and the Republic, dealing with Outer Rim pirates and adding a new dimension to the Force feels like world building to me. To be honest though, I wanted to keep this one relatively small. A local conflict on a single world. That conflict will escalate of course but I wanted to start relatively small. In essence, this is a new Episode 1 rather than Episode 7. It's not a new chapter, it's a whole new book. If Vader's story was volume 1 of the Journal Of The Whills, this is the start of Volume 2.

    As for the lack of sci-fi, well Star Wars is fantasy. That's how I approached it. It's a fairy tale.

    For me, it had to be Lando. After Mon Mothma, maybe Leia and even Admiral Ackbar have all held office, Lando seemed to be the next logical choice. A hero of the rebellion who is also an experienced administrator of Cloud City, he's that link between the restored Republic embracing the heroes of the rebellion and moving forward beyond it to a new political atmosphere.

    Well they aren't really Dark Siders. They're the bad guys, they have Force powers but they don't draw on the Dark Side of the Force. In fact one of the defining characteristics of the cult is that there is no Dark Side corruption. Again, the point is to bring the mystery back to the Force.

    Right. One of the key aspects of the concept is the notion that the Jedi and the Sith don't have a monopoly on the Force. We know of beings using the Force and interpreting the Force in a single galaxy. But there are billions of galaxies out there. Are there Force-users in those galaxies? What's their philosophy? How do they view the Jedi? Could they know more about the Force than even Yoda? That's something I'd explore across the trilogy. What if everything we know about the Force is wrong or misguided? What if the bad guys really do know the true nature of the Force? By the end of the movie, we know very little about the cult. We haven't met the leader, only his advocate.

    Bah, but I've gone on too long. Thanks for the feedback. I hope I've been able to address your points.
  4. Darth_Pevra Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2008
    star 5
    I'd introduce a mechanism how the followers are controlled to spice things up. Or a caste system. Or anything really. I'm just saying that right now this is basic dark cult without much specialness to it.

    I'd introduce a military threat allied to the spiritual threat.

    Jupp, I noticed. But if you rhyme something it usually shouldn't be a direct repetition. There should be something Unexpected about the rhyme. Have you seen the new Star Trek? Something like that is better than a straight repetition.

    I don't remember a single Star Wars movie about slashing through living and breathing beings with a lightsaber. Imo it is not what the Jedi are about. Your point about Del's arrogance also gets lost when every Jedi is seen as slashing through hordes of mooks.
    Also having Jedi be the only powerful beings in the galaxy could make the galaxy look very small.

    Maybe you could expand on Hans and Del's relationship a bit more. Right now it seems hardly relevant for the plot. I like the defeat of Del by the Voice however. I did notice this (especially as you later show Luke fighting against the Voice and defeating it, displaying the difference between pupil and master).

    Hm, okay. But it is good to keep in mind that exotic locations and even more exotic aliens were always a cornerstone of the universe. If you watch the movies they are filled to the brim with creative inventions.

    Interesting.

    While these questions are interesting, don't forget that the universe is much more than just the force. You can ask many questions why the universe works as it does. I'm personally working on a SF-universe without magic and I still never run out of questions to ask.
  5. Darth_Pevra Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2008
    star 5
    Btw. I like treatment C best. Kudos to the creator. :)
  6. Darth_Corvus Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 17, 2010
    star 4
    Creeping Fear? Dunno. With Thrawn working for a mysteriously alive Revan it sounds too much like a star wars fan's wet dream. I still think that E is by far the best.
  7. Darth_Pevra Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2008
    star 5
    It's actually quite smart to use popular EU characters for marketing reasons.

    What I also like is how the treatment deals mostly with a military/political threat and how shocking Leia's death would be.
    Last edited by Darth_Pevra, May 30, 2013
  8. Jedsithor Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 2005
    star 4
    There is a military threat. Episode VIII would actually open with a massive galactic invasion. The cult in the Star Wars galaxy may be small and apparently new, but there is an entire civilisation outside the galaxy that has lived with this cult for as long as the Jedi have existed. When I say massive, I mean the Outer Rim is pretty much conquered in the first 15 minutes of the film. The unknown aliens following The Voice are part of that extragalactic civilisation and its military.

    In many ways, this conflict is inspired by the Crusades, with the Force itself being Jerusalem.


    Ugh, no. What Into Darkness did was horrible and it was an example of straight repetition. Oh they swapped the roles but man I really hope those writers are kept far away from Star Wars. That whole movie was a mess and it's made me very apprehensive about Abrams doing Star Wars. The only saving grace is that he's a Star Wars fan.


    The poor Geonosians might have something to say about that. We haven't really seen Jedi go up against flesh and blood enemies who weren't Sith apart from the Geonosians and a couple of stormtroopers. Yoda certainly had no trouble taking out clone troopers.

    In any case, there is no Jedi Order in this movie. There are Jedi out there but I don't want to return to the old ways of the Jedi serving the Senate and being corrupted by war and politics. The Jedi gather if there's a threat but for the most part they're on their own, out in the galaxy. You won't see the Jedi leading armies in this trilogy. In fact many of them will choose not to fight. That's another question I want to explore - what does it mean to be a Jedi? OK, there wasn't as much of that as I'd have liked in the treatment but it's something I do have plans for.


    One thing you might notice is that I rarely mentioned species in the treatment. The Voice and his extragalactic followers are aliens of unknown origin, the main heroes are human but everyone else is basically up for grabs. I'm more interested in "who" than "what" they are. The "what" only comes into play if it's relevant to the character's story. As for locations, well the cult world (which is nameless because it's uncharted) looks a lot like a nuclear wasteland. There's really only three locations in the film - the asteroid mine where the opening space battle takes place, Coruscant and the cult world. As I said, the idea is to keep it small and then massively expand in the sequels.

    Oh believe me, there's much more than the Force at play here. The Force is centre stage but in one of the sequels for example, I want to get deep into the galactic crime outfits, an arc that won't feature a single lightsaber.
  9. Darth_Pevra Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2008
    star 5
  10. Darth_Corvus Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 17, 2010
    star 4
    Well if things wouldn't have gone to hell with Trixi I would have included quite many EU characters. How it was executed here is what bothers me. But that's just my opinion and it's not like I can write
  11. Darth_Pevra Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2008
    star 5
    Didn't say it was perfect, just that in my opinion it is the best of the bunch. Might have to reread yours however. Wasn't as attentive when I did.
  12. A Chorus of Disapproval New Films Riot Deterrent

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2003
    star 7
    Hi! :) Friendly reminder: This thread is supposed to be affording our contestants an opportunity to be congratulated... not another auxiliary EU debate thread. Thank you in advance.
  13. Jabari Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2007
    star 1
    Abrams would be stupid to retcon Mara Jade (unless it is to make her not dead!) Personally, I don't really care about Kyle Katarn though. And this is the problem with sticking to EU canon for the new movies - everyone has their favorites. Sometimes you just have to come up with new stuff.

    And I do have ideas for Episode VIII already...so if there's a contest, I'll probably be there. :D


    Did anyone else have a really hard time coming up with a title? I think that was the hardest part. Nothing I thought of sounded like a Star Wars movie to me.
  14. Jedsithor Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 2005
    star 4
    I didn't use any EU because I wanted to do something new. I have the basic plots of Episodes 8 and 9 planned out though no specific scene breakdowns yet.

    The title kicked my ass. "The Jedi Heretics" is a temporary title. I needed a title along the lines of A New Hope and The Phantom Menace but every time I came up with one it just sounded like a variation of one of those two.
  15. Jedi General Gelderd Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2004
    star 5
    That would be me, my friend - thank you for that, I appreciate the kind words! Glad you enjoyed it. :)

    I know it was risky using EU characters but wanted to imagine none of that happened for followers of just the films and use "new characters" for them, whilst sparking interest of hardcore fans using established names for a chance to see them on screen.

    Also, I loved reading them all and feel real talent out there for crafting stories in such a wider universe as the Star Wars one!
    Darth_Pevra likes this.
  16. Sistros Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2010
    star 6
    congratulations to everybody who entered,

    and to the winners :D
  17. Original Oatmeal Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 22, 2013
    star 1
    I have been watching through some review videos of the History of the Power Rangers (PR). I mention this because Disney purchased the Power Rangers around a decade ago for a few years. I compare how the Power Rangers was before Disney & during Disney. PR is on their 20th season, which started in the year 1993. When I was 10 years old in 1996, I made an hour long Power Rangers fan film with my family & friends in the ghetto.

    Disney moved the PR productions to New Zealand, in order to save money. During the tenth anniversary of the show, they wanted to have a huge reunion arch with all the previous teams from the last 10 years. Disney replied, "Why do you want to advertise old toys?" They ended up compromising by making a single reunion episode, as oppose to a 5-part episode arch. Later, Disney was planning on cancelling PR. Disney was going to just show reruns in order to save money. That is when somebody suggested making PR in New Zealand. People in New Zealand are not allowed to watch this show due to the excess violence.

    Disney gave the Power Rangers back to Saban.

    But Disney will surely keep Star Wars, forever, most likely.

    I really hope Disney does not mess things up with Star Wars.

    Did I really win the contest? Oh, wait, everybody won? But there will be a second round in this contest, right?
  18. Darth_Corvus Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 17, 2010
    star 4
    Weeeeeeellllll theys shut down Lucasarts with all games in development. Gave license rights to EA instead of..like Activision, shut down 1 TV series and postponed another. Disney needs to show something to make me believe in them because so far they only hurt the franchise
    Original Oatmeal likes this.
  19. mvk Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 5, 2013
    I enjoyed Jedi Heretics as well, not bad for an original first draft treatment. I kept waiting for Lando to be revealed as the leader of the Cult though. The setup in the beginning about Lando distancing himself from Han/Chewie made me think that. Anyway, good story.

    I don't worry about the EU stuff too much. While there are many diehards that believe the EU that has been created must be followed, the majority of the people that will go to watch the movies likely has no idea what is contained in the EU. The writer and director will want to tell their own story, not shoehorn what they want to do into some EU that was created for them. Did Lucas 'own' the rights to all characters and stories told in the EU? If not, then there is pretty much no way that the EU will come into play, Disney isn't going to give anyone a chance to claim part of the story/profits.
  20. aguywithabiggun Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 1999
    star 4
    Holy crap. [face_hypnotized]

    If this trilogy isn't some type of mad blend of all these great concepts, I might be pissed.

    Wow, you guys are something else. I do not have that type of creative power. AWESOME

    Bad Robot spies..... take note =D=
    Jabari likes this.
  21. man of steel Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 8, 2013
    star 1
    i like to give my own outline its not perfect but its alright
    SW: EPISODE 7

    35 years after return of the Jedi a new threat posed by a masked lone wolf terrorist threatens to destroy the new Galaxy which consist of the new republic and the new sith empire a small empire but strong enough to hold its own. The Coruscant senate building is attacked by the terrorist; while on corriban the new temple is bombed both sides point fingers at each other but as the opening scroll states the leader has been doing ingenious attacks against both sides. Luke goes to action along with his son Alar sky-walker alar finally after much thought goes with him from here they meet the solos which consist of Han and leia’s children consisting of 2 brothers and a little sister to their disappointment the brothers are busy on a war torn planet. Luke and alar discuss getting into an argument about Luke's course of action but alar finally agrees. They reluctantly go to the sith capital to find Alars brother Jon sky-walker a sith who wants to kill Luke for vengeance he reluctantly agrees to help them but while flying in the phoenix starship they are intercepted by the main villain the leader. They realize that he is a super genius and master fighter as they are ass kicked by him after his board the ship. He escapes with a computer from the phoenix and they follow but they lose him which leads to a strong loving bonding moment between alar and Jon, on Coruscant Leia realizes that boba fett was the one responsible for the senate bombing and pursues him leading to a light saber fight between boba and Leia (this is a homage to the pre Visla and Darth maul fight but more epic) boba escapes on his ship their he is lead to unknown coordinates sent by the leader which leads him to geonosis. There he is beheaded in the same arena his father died by the leader wielding bobas black light saber. Jon Luke and alar arrive on Anakin’s home world to Learn more information and get repairs Anakin’s home world has prospered to become an economically strong world with great ambitions despite their ship getting repaired their quest to find out any information regarding the leader is fruitless which frustrates Jon and alar Luke is patient though. They go to Naboo after a broadcast from the leader is sent galaxy wide. They notice an extremely faint noise that is heard in the background leading them to believe he is there. An attack is launched on Naboo seemingly confirming their belief. On war torn planet 2 solo kids are fighting robots lead by people trying to establish a dictatorship but are called back to their dismay and victory. They go to Coruscant and help Leia calm the public. Jedi chase a gun man who shot and killed 4 Jedi and 15 people skillfully. The chase leads the Jedi and the clones which were integrated to the greater republic to level 1313. There they realize that it is the leader proving himself to be a one man army. He launches a new attack single handedly destroying the power grid causing explosions and getting his followers to the Jedi temple. On Naboo they realize that the leader is not there after finding a high tech telescope pointing to Coruscant there they are attacked and they fight off the attackers trying to go to Coruscant. While Coruscant is being blockaded and then bombarded by a rag tagged fleet Han and Chewie kicks all kinds of ass in the streets but realize that it's wise to live to fight another day the solo brothers and little sister jack the stored millennium falcon and evacuate many Jedi from the war zone temple which is being attacked by a small fringe sith group and reinforcements. They escape with Jedi cruisers on tail intercepting the damaged phoenix they reluctantly go to Dagobah to try to come up with something. They realize the republic army is activating emergency protocols to take Coruscant back but it will take too long alar goes to the caves and meditates meeting the young Anakin which tells them to keep fighting and that real sky-walkers don't give up. Alar goes to Jon who is contemplating his vengeance and Luke comes saying to them he has a plan but it might work. The leader goes to the temple almost taking off his skeleton mask but decides against it, it is revealed that he is manipulating everyone into doing what he says and he will always be a loner. He knows Luke's plan and prepares to fight them. Luke's plan is to send a small group of people to decimate the shaky rag Tag group. They (Luke, Jon, alar) arrive on a small pod to the streets of Coruscant and find out that the leader launched a crippling attack against the empire and it is recovering. They meet a small republic group and go to the temple facing several sith and followers realizing the leader is at the council room they fight him resulting in an epic fight which they all use light sabers blasters and finally their hands the leader jumps from the building and escapes fighting Jon on a moving hovercraft flying between sky scrapers. Jon proves to be a challenge the leader escapes the craft while at the temple Luke and alar with the small republic troops secure the area and use the huge canons in the area to distract the fleet which are attacked by the millennium falcon and the Jedi cruisers they destroy a hand full before The small army lead by Lando jumps in on the surface the leader is surrounded by sith warriors sent by Jon. Jon goes to the temple and sees the "fireworks" later the leader is sent to prison with him acting suspiciously and Coruscant begins the road to recovery Jon tells Luke that he will stay on the path of the sith but promises to stay in the family and try to fix things the 3 tearfully embrace as the parade and celebrations engulf the planet.
    Made in the loving memory of ray harryhausen and Alec Guinness
  22. A Chorus of Disapproval New Films Riot Deterrent

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2003
    star 7
    That's very creative. Unfortunately, we are out of prizes since the contest ended a week ago. :(

    Thanks for sharing that with us, though.
  23. Jedsithor Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 2005
    star 4
    Lando distancing himself isn't deliberate. He just gets caught up in politics and his own career and they just drift apart over time. When Lando signs Han's son up for the special task force that also causes some friction. By the time we get to the third movie, Han, Lando and Chewie would be on adventures together again. I'm not really interested in turning any of the good guys from the original trilogy into bad guys. I think it would do a disservice to the characters and what they've gone through together. Instead, I tried to imagine where these characters may be 30 years later and work from that.
  24. w4tkn Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 25, 2013
    star 1
    35 years have passed since the destruction of THE DEATH STAR. Allot has changed in that time, where we now live in relative peace, despite a fractured political climate. Some of the outer world's joined a breakaway alliance of agriculture and farming planets who value no intrusion and low taxation. There is no central dominant planet which houses the governance of the Galaxy however Coruscant is still a place of importance though long since departed by the Jedi order. Luke Skywalker, a lone Jedi knight moved to a simpler more organic place of training to the planet of Yavin where he teaches some of the Jedi art's albeit only to a lesser level than before. A new Political tyrant has been gaining power and influence in some industrialized planets but has been achieving this through peaceful and legal means. This concern's Queen Leia who seeks to find out more of the Baron's intentions through her back channels with Lando Calrissian and his gambling cabal. Things were becoming mysterious when a bright flash engulfed the entire galaxy which among other things ceased all Hyperspace travel to be inoperable and the power of the Force has diminished. Our Heroes Luke and his under trained Jedi must be reunited with Leia and Han, meet with the Baron and find out what caused the flash of light and more disturbing rendered the Jedi's ability to use the force as useless.
  25. EHT Manager: New Films

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Sep 13, 2007
    star 6