Omaha, NE Up town? Nooooo, Downtown...

It's an invasion from Cincy! Just thought I'd pop in and ask if anyone had any good jokes lately.

To get the whole joke for the thread topic, ask paperclipx or craigrr! Test them on their memories of that one!

 

HAHAHA!!! Thats John's one good joke....dont ask him for any others, lol!

 

Ahh, sign language...

 

I do have a rather large collection of good jokes, but that one is the only one that I can claim as mine. No one else ever remembers all of the gestures involved!

Here's a true story that is just too funny...

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse... Your call!

 

I was in the Navy...so I belive every word of it! Very typical.

 

Here's one I found a while back...

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're A [face_shocked] [face_shocked] holes!"

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

 

HAHAHA! Nice!
Hmmmmm, this is the only one I can think of for now, I'm typing this from memory so it might be a bit off;


A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his gradueate students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof"

Most students wrote their paper on some random theory of no meaning to normal people, one student however really did his homework;

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving/

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you are going to hell. Ansd since people do not beliong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.


Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hll is epxanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all of Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we acept the postulate given to me by Ms. Theresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I have not succeeded, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

He Only Got an A

 

That's a really good one! I had heard about that story, but never heard the story.

How many lawyer jokes has everyone heard? Here's another for your pleasure!

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble. I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble. I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.


It's the pig and the cow!

 

I don't have a joke, just stickin' my head in to say Hey! HEY!!!

 

Well hey hey back!

 

Okay, I've not posted any good jokes lately, but I found one worth putting up. Here goes...

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled
him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two a**holes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went to town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes'..."

 

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

 

LOL! That's a good one. I wonder if the Empire ever had an answering service? If so, it'd probably be something similar to that.

 

U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE





I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter,are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune. Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

 

Yeah, yeah.....but remember hidden in all that propoganda served up by the mud wallowing ground pounders of the Army (i.e; those not smart enough to do anything else, hehe) is the many trips to Florida and the Bahama's, inspecting their fine adult entertainment facilities. Also, a real bed to sleep in each night, the best food in the military, all wrapped up in the opportunity to live on the beach!

 

Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform? For the Marine to hold on to!


A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

 

Really, really fast! I like that one. The navy one is really good too.

Here's a bit of a long one for you...

TOP EIGHT IDIOTS OF 2001
Just when you think the world is getting a little smarter.........
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 -
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot # 7
Arka

 

lol that was good


here is a kinda long one too but all the women will agree with me on these.

Benefits of Being Female

We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. * When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic. * Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours. * We can be groupies. * Male groupies are stalkers. * We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. * Taxis stop for us. * Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. * We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. * Free drinks. * Free dinners. * We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay. * We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay. * We know the truth about whether size matters. * New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. * Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. * It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. * No fashion faux pas we make could rival the Speedo. * We don't fart to amuse ourselves. * If we forget to shave, no one has to know. * We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass. * If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. * We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. * We have the ability to dress ourselves. * We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. * We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month. * We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked. * If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. * Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. * There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems. * Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable. * We'll never regret piercing our ears. * We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. * We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

 

Why it's good to be a Man!!

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "icky".

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can kill your own food.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes

Those are just a few reasons why...

it's GOOD to be a man!

 

yeah yeah yeah but it is still better to be a woman






Man Quiz -- Are You Trained?


As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Going into the ladies room with your mom.

In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

i. He is legally within the base path,
ii. Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
iii. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes

 

HAH!! Your quiz is flawed! And thus unreliable. How do I know? One particular phrase:

"You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent....

Said combination does not happen naturally and is a known myth.

 

She's attractive and intelligent...

it's not true huh? i'm sure that u know someone like that. if not then u have not found that certain someone and if that is the case then i feel for cause when u do then the world just rocks and nothing can bring u down even idiot people like vacer

 

oh Mark, looks like I'll have to rough you up.

 

Perhaps I shouldn't really continue with the whole male/female thing, but I really can't resist. Warning! It's a doozy...

RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW
If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.

Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy & whining is what your girlfriends are for.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil. Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If any woman would like to post the things we men should know about women, please! It would do greatly in reducing the confusion we have over all those rules.