Why are Women Attracted to "Dangerous" Men?

Personally, I'm out fo the dating game for the most part. When you find out 45 minutes before the first date that the girl you asked out has started seeing another guy - and you didn't find out until you called her, well, that's probably nature's way of telling you you're not cut out for the dating game.

 

If women do not like guys going up and trying to kiss them without asking why is it that they smack a guy for doing it.I am sure some good guys may aruge with women too. Are there some women that are pretty and don't like Dangerous Men?

 

GarthSchmader

I hope you were joking because if you were not, you are a hypocrite. I did the exact same thing to men, putting them all in certain groups, yet you didn't say a thing. Why is that?

EDIT: A lot of my best friends are guys

 

If women do not like guys going up and trying to kiss them without asking why is it that they smack a guy for doing it

Haha, you obviously got that from my post. I wasn't saying just go up to a random girl and trying making a move on her. (Although my brother has done it a hundred times without getting slapped, seriously) My point was being confident, if you're sure she wants to kiss you then go for it.

Of course there are pretty women that like nice guys, most people in this world eventually find somebody, nice guys or bad guys. Although if you're looking for a pretty girl and you're not confident, you don't have a good personality, you're wimpy, or whatever personality trait that has been discussed concerning "nice guys" you might just have to settle for an ugly chick.

 

It is no secret, though rarely said in public, that while men value looks, women value resources

And that's a wrong thing? If you guys are always concerned about looks (deny you aren't, I dare you), then why shouldn't the women be concerned about what they could be getting from the guys in material terms?

I wonder if the reason why so many "nice" guys constantly complain about not being able to get the girl...is because you guys are only going after the girls that are "hot". You have no right complaining when you're too busy chasing after girls you really don't deserve anyway. There are nice girls that aren't necessarily "hot", but are pretty...do you ever give them the time of day? Or, do you just save them for the times when you're really desperate, and need to get laid RIGHT NOW?

And honestly, any guy who keeps emphasizing how "nice" he is, might not be so nice. If you're nice, you don't have to say it.

 

Or you both could just settle for someone you love. Not care about looks, a bit about personality, and mostly how they treat you.

With my limited experience (one relationship with a woman ever for the past 3+ years, still in it and growing every day), along with friend who I have talked to a lot, women I know generally want someone who will be there for them. Who will listen and understand. Who will know when to talk and who will know when to shut up. Each and every person, man and woman are different, so don't think that all women are one way.

Oddly enough, I don't know what most men want (or better said, I don't understand why they want what they stereotypically want).

Yet do women want dangerous men? A part of it may be that the kind of women who would want a dangerous man are the kind of women that you would notice. Most women I know don't want a dangerous man, but I am not the most sociable of people. Or what I said before.

 

Thanks for the Input guys.

 

JS

Personally, I'm out fo the dating game for the most part. When you find out 45 minutes before the first date that the girl you asked out has started seeing another guy - and you didn't find out until you called her, well, that's probably nature's way of telling you you're not cut out for the dating game.

Thats just one girl. Women, like men, have their good and bad apples.

I can tell by your posts here that you have a strong mind. Don't let one bad incident prevent you from sharing that with a good woman...trust me, they are out there.

DN

I wonder if the reason why so many "nice" guys constantly complain about not being able to get the girl... There are nice girls that aren't necessarily "hot", but are pretty...do you ever give them the time of day?

Very well said.

Physical attraction is very important. But the cute, sweet girls are often far sexier than the alleged 'hot' girls. A powerful mind can be very attractive.

The important thing is to have an open mind. Don't settle for someone you are not attracted to, but also don't settle for someone just because they are 'popular' or 'hot'.

 

Dr Drew would say it is because they were abused at some point in their childhood.

Dr. Drew is hardly an expert. most of the advice he gives is terrible, and IIRC he's not really qualified to give it.

there are a lot of people in evolutionary psychology who think that women are attracted to aggressive men because they are more likely to be able to secure resources for her and her offspring in cutthroat competition, but that's disputed.

My advice is to not try and be something you are not, but be proud of who you are.

i agree, but i would follow up with the caveat that most women i talk to think that guys who have a chip on their shoulder about how nice and sweet they are, and kvetch a lot about how girls always go for bad boys, are extremely unnatractive. many guys who say things like "no one wants to go out with me because i'm too nice" tend to come off like self-righteous jerks, whether they mean to do so or not, so i would urge you to relax and not dwell on this particular issue.

If women do not like guys going up and trying to kiss them without asking why is it that they smack a guy for doing it.

you have to be able to tell who's receptive to you doing that kind of thing and who's not without asking. body language and other cues are good, but you can't over-think it. you just have to know how to read people. it's definitely worked for me in the past, but i can't really tell you how to develop that kind of sense about people except to tell you to relax and make sure that you're sensing what's really going on and not what you want to be going on.

 

And that's a wrong thing? If you guys are always concerned about looks (deny you aren't, I dare you), then why shouldn't the women be concerned about what they could be getting from the guys in material terms?

Of COURSE it's a wrong thing. And guys being obsessed with looks is wrong as well. They're BOTH wrong. But you know, maybe its just me being a guy, but even the low-down guys aren't quite so obsessed with looks. It's somewhat essential I suppose to be generally average looking, but girls with hooked noses, spaces between thier teeth, moles... it's not usually really much of an impediment. There are girls they've gone out with who make no effort to look pretty (makeup, etc) and even the bad boys will still go out with them. And the guy is using them just the same, but the point is that even with the generic guy, its wrong to assume we're going to pick Cindy Crawford over someone clearly not a supermodel (say, Jennifer Gray from Dirty Dancing, who later got a nose job that I feel was completely unnecessary). The bar for the average guy is simply not NEARLY that high, and we all know it.

And its not like girls aren't completely unconcerned with looks either. It factors in a bit. But its rare I've met any guy with any preference as to a girl's occupation. But this isn't a competition. I'm just saying how I see it.


I wonder if the reason why so many "nice" guys constantly complain about not being able to get the girl...is because you guys are only going after the girls that are "hot".

This is a common argument and as I said above, I've met guys who have gone out with overweight girls and ones who you might consider not very attractive. And they were reasonably good-looking guys. And what's more, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I myself seem to have a thing for pale skin, which turns a lot of guys, I find, off.


You have no right complaining when you're too busy chasing after girls you really don't deserve anyway. There are nice girls that aren't necessarily "hot", but are pretty...do you ever give them the time of day? Or, do you just save them for the times when you're really desperate, and need to get laid RIGHT NOW?

See, here's the thing -- do those girls necessarily say anything either? I'm not giving them the time of day, and they're not giving it to me either. If I thought some of these girls were interested in me, if I thought we'd be a reasonable match and she wouldn't care about difficulties I had with finding a salary job, then yeah, I'd definately start making moves. Without a doubt. And yes, I have to be attracted to them (though they'd have to be in my age range), and yes there's many out there who would have difficulties regardless, but they are in the minority. And they're a minority with a very valid complaint. And they get the worst of it all. Trust me, while I might sound like attractive girls can be somewhat malevolent, the completely unattractive girls are absolutely last in the pecking order and its not right. But unfortunately I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to, and if I was with that person we'd both be unhappy. But financial status, which can change in an instant of "you're hired", has nothing to do with it.

But I think in general girls would see more success if they went after the guys they wanted too, instead of waiting for the guy to come to them. Make no mistake, asking a guy out does not mean you're a slut or promiscuous. That's only the case if you bounce from one to the other.


And honestly, any guy who keeps emphasizing how "nice" he is, might not be so nice. If you're nice, you don't have to say it.

Absolutely.

 

There are girls they've gone out with who make no effort to look pretty (makeup, etc)

That's an extremely offensive statement right there...a woman doesn't have to paint herself up to look "pretty". Of course, that's more about reality, and I know a lot of guys are so much into idealized feminine fantasy, that a real woman tends to scare them.

And the guy is using them just the same, but the point is that even with the generic guy, its wrong to assume we're going to pick Cindy Crawford over someone clearly not a supermodel

And it's perfectly all right for the guy to be using the average and unattractive girl? And she's supposed to be grateful for that?

So, what you're trying to say is that an average looking guy should be able to get any kind of woman he wants? But the average girl should be grateful if the average guy deigns to pick her for mercy sex? Oh, excuse me, guys can have all of the high-falutin' standards they want, but us ugly (ugly="average", remember that, kids) chicks have to be grateful if some unemployed schlub asks us out?

But I think in general girls would see more success if they went after the guys they wanted too, instead of waiting for the guy to come to them

Yeah, well, we get into trouble if we do that, too...we're usually called "aggressive". Not to mention that the guys we want tend to want a Victoria's Secret model who just happens to ride the same bus as them on the way to work every morning.

But unfortunately I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to, and if I was with that person we'd both be unhappy

Translation: I could never be happy with an average girl because I only want the hot girls. Brother, what a way to run a railroad.

 

Of COURSE it's a wrong thing. And guys being obsessed with looks is wrong as well. They're BOTH wrong.

i disagree. they're both fine.

it's perfectly reasonable to want to be with someone you're attracted to. obviously, not everyone's attracted to the same type of people, but that doesn't mean that it's important that you, personally, be attracted to a potential partner. it's silly to be concerned only with appearance, but that kind of silliness tends to be self-correcting in any case when you finally bag the hottie and realize you have nothing to say to each other and you get sick of having them around. but if you're not attracted to someone, it's just not going to work long-term. they don't have to be the most attractive person you know, but if the physical component isn't there, it kills the relationship eventually as surely as any other major incompatibility.

it's also reasonable to take someone's occupation and financial status into account. personally, i've had a long relationship with someone who mooched off me, wasn't in a position to reciprocate, and made no effort to change their situation so that they could be more even. and, frankly, i'm sick of it, and i'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't have a job.

that's just the first level. it's definitely reasonable to say "this is the kind of life i want to live with whomever i'm with, and if that's not going to work out, then the relationship won't work out either." if and when i have kids, i want to be able to provide a certain level of care and financial stability for them, and that's not going to happen with the checkout girl at Rite Aid unless i win the lottery. i want to travel and see the world and meet interesting people and do interesting things, and none of that is free. it's OK to say "i have goals, i have priorities, and they're both important and valid" when you're looking at a potential partner.

 

DN: You are completely and freely accusing me of saying precisely the opposite of what I am saying. In fact, I wonder if you're even being serious:

That's an extremely offensive statement right there...a woman doesn't have to paint herself up to look "pretty". She can be perfectly attractive without garbage like that...unless, of course, you're shallow, then of course you would find the unpainted face as frightening as a walking corpse.

Actually, I'd advise you read what I wrote again. It's comments on makeups is precisely the same argument you make here. A girl doesn't have to have makeup to look pretty. So why are you hammering me on that when there is nothing to hammer? A fair and balanced reading should have told you this.


And it's perfectly all right for the guy to be using the average and unattractive girl? And she's supposed to be grateful for that?

Didn't I just get through saying it wasn't all right? Why did you ignore everything else I said and concentrate on this? I said for the purposes of what I was driving at, it was not the point. Of course it's not all right. But the fact that it's not all right isn't the only point to be made. Why do you accuse me of saying its perfectly all right for the girl to be used when I've made specific attacks against this? Your railroad doesn't look like all the tracks have been laid down either.


So, what you're trying to say is that an average looking guy should be able to get any kind of woman he wants (9 times out of ten, it's the unattainable one)? But the average girl should be grateful if the average guy deigns to pick her for mercy sex? Oh, excuse me, guys can have all of the high-falutin' standards they want, but us ugly chicks have to be grateful if some unemployed schlub asks us out?

Huh? What? I'm sorry, are we speaking the same language? I'm beginning to think you're actually some young bored guy now who just wants to cause a little entertainment on the board. both guys and girls should be grateful if anyone asks them out no matter how good they look. I mean, if this is for real, its coming out of nowhere. It's insulting. It's precisely the opposite of what I was saying. Please don't quote my postings and respond to someone else's nonexistant opinion.



Yeah, well, we get into trouble if we do that, too...we're usually called "aggressive". Not to mention that the guys we want tend to want a Victoria's Secret model who just happens to ride the same bus as them on the way to work every morning.

And there's nothing wrong with aggressive. Just as long as its not a way of getting your kicks and leaving.


Translation: I could never be happy with an average girl because I only want the hot girls. Brother, what a way to run a railroad.

Yeeaaahh... Are you all right?

 

And there's nothing wrong with aggressive. Just as long as its not a way of getting your kicks and leaving.

what's wrong with just getting your kicks and leaving? presuming, of course, that there's no deception involved and everyone involved is a consenting adult.

 

it's also reasonable to take someone's occupation and financial status into account. personally, i've had a long relationship with someone who mooched off me, wasn't in a position to reciprocate, and made no effort to change their situation so that they could be more even. and, frankly, i'm sick of it, and i'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't have a job.

There's a difference between mooching and not trying to find a job and trying and being temporarily disadvantaged. Mooching would happen because that's what that person was like. But there's plenty of people out there who work low-wage jobs or are unemployed who are either not about to mooch, or only do so because they have no choice.


that's just the first level. it's definitely reasonable to say "this is the kind of life i want to live with whomever i'm with, and if that's not going to work out, then the relationship won't work out either." if and when i have kids, i want to be able to provide a certain level of care and financial stability for them, and that's not going to happen with the checkout girl at Rite Aid unless i win the lottery. i want to travel and see the world and meet interesting people and do interesting things, and none of that is free. it's OK to say "i have goals, i have priorities, and they're both important and valid" when you're looking at a potential partner.

It's all right to certainly take that into account. But I'm talking about when its the prime-mover. When romance takes a back seat or can be completely altered by these sorts of things that again, are only temporary. I mean, with me I do want some of those things but at the same time I question why I want them to begin with. Why do I have these goals? Why do I need the big house?

In the end what's important to me is that my children have a functional family and don't get messed up because thier parents didn't get along so well and were fighting about money. As opposed to those who didn't worry so much about it.

But that's only my opinion.

 

what's wrong with just getting your kicks and leaving? presuming, of course, that there's no deception involved and everyone involved is a consenting adult.

Because whether consentual or not, it's using people. And I don't think people should use one another. At least, not for sex. Once you get on that 'train', I find there's a lot of things you can start to justify that I take issue with. If all you were after was kicks, why was the other person even necessary?

 

Yeah, the resources thing. The wives of stockbrokers and other city-slickers tend to be incredibly beautiful. On the other hand, I've slept with the wives of several high-earners...

...seems to me what women like are men who have empathy rather than ditherers. Men who intuit rather than think, men who trust their instincts to know when she wants to be kissed. Such men are likely to be risk-takers as well as womanisers. And women love us for it

Unless they're looking for marriage... then it's resources and stability. (But they'll still be sleeping with someone like me on the side )

 

ATY: Is 'empathy' the right word for what you describe? I mean hey, I don't know, it might be, but if so empathy should have a few more negative connotations we don't usually have for it.

Then again, I suppose empathy as a word has no inherent meaning on what you do with that empathy, perhaps only the ability to detect certain emotions in others.

 

EnforcerSDangerousG:
I hope you were joking because if you were not, you are a hypocrite. I did the exact same thing to men, putting them all in certain groups, yet you didn't say a thing. Why is that?

EDIT: A lot of my best friends are guys

Let me start out by saying that I am a complete hypocrite. Good, now that I got that out of the way I can admit to you that I did not read your post, SG. That's why I didn't react. I was only responding to the first post of the thread. Let me re-iterate, and over-emphasize, I'm a complete hypocrite !

Now that I got that out of the way, let me just finish by reminding you that if you are worried about not "getting any" (of ANY-thing...friendship, sex, even trouble), then you are way more likely to self-fulfill your own prophecy, and confirm your own fears that you are unlucky in relationships because you are "too nice".

This perception of your "nice-ness", of course, lies only within the bounds of your own ego; it would help your social status greatly if you could move outside yourself/ego-reality once in a while as the center. Let me be very sexist here and say that girls AND guys really like that in a person, no matter if you see it as cinfidence or not...I call it being genuine. Anyone can do it.

 

Because whether consentual or not, it's using people.

how is that using people? if i'm at home by myself, and i'm bored, and i happen to talk to a casual acquaintance who's also at home, alone and bored, and i say "hey... feel like seeing a movie?" and we decide to go see a movie together, and we end up having fun that day but we never do it again, is that using each other? even though we aren't really close, and we wouldn't normally hang out alone together, and we were just doing it because it was better than spending the afternoon alone and bored?

If all you were after was kicks, why was the other person even necessary?

because if sex isn't better than masturbation, you're probably doing something wrong.

 

Diz: Ah, but your example involves no sex. That makes all the difference. You went and saw a movie together. Well, no big deal.

But you know, sex is a big deal. At least I feel it should be.

And you know, it is. I mean, it would have to be. If sex wasn't a big deal it wouldn't sell. It wouldn't be such an obsession for young people. It wouldn't draw so much attention, have emotions connotated with it and cause uproars, justified or not.

I'm not saying people should be prevented in any way from using one another sexually. We live in a society where you can do as you please. But I feel that it's empty. Without meaning. And if that's the case you might as well be masturbating. Maybe I'm just really good at masturbating, but sex without emotion I find is really the same equivalent.

But sex WITH emotion... that's something.

 

DN

Not to mention that the guys we want tend to want a Victoria's Secret model who just happens to ride the same bus as them on the way to work every morning.

Good point. IMO thats a common problem.

My wife and I are the exception out of a lot of our friends. Most are single or date casually.

I don't know if 'too picky' is the right description, but several of my guy friends are physically demanding of women, yet they could stand to lose a few pounds...if you know what I mean.

On the flip side, several of my wife's friends demand that their partners be 'Brad Pitt plus Bill Gates', even though like all people, none of them are perfect.

IMO it comes down to being more open minded and being truthful to oneself.

 

Ah, but your example involves no sex. That makes all the difference.

well, it does to you, an that's fine for you, but i don't think it's fair to judge other people according to your preferences.

 

I mean, if this is for real, its coming out of nowhere

Oh, this is very real...it's the angry voice of the geeky female.

both guys and girls should be grateful if anyone asks them out no matter how good they look

Uh, no, sorry, I'm not going to be flattered at all by some jerk coming up to me asking for a date because he's desperate, and he's looking at me like I'm the last steak in town. Not to mention that he's also thinking that I SHOULD be grateful that he's asking me, because of course someone like myself don't get that much action. (This is proven when you turn them down, and they start insulting you. So much for genuine interest).

If I misinterpreted your words, I'm sorry. But you have to understand, when this topic comes up, I see red (not literally, but it does induce a great deal of rage). You hear so much about how the nice guys never get the dates...yeah, but you don't hear much from the nice girls, do you? Some of us have tried to live decently, where we weren't sleeping with everything that had three legs. And we get treated like garbage, too. Either we have to go without dates, or we have to settle for being involved with guys who have used us (and other things). But, how many of us get to have a voice? And when we speak up, so much crap gets thrown in our faces. (We're either told we can find somebody if we go through crap like makeovers, or we're told that "there are other things in the world besides relationships. There's so much you can do with that energy instead of being so bitter". Great, either become a Barbie doll or a nun. Screw that, I want to be NEITHER).

So, there are two sides to this whole damned equation.

I don't know if 'too picky' is the right description, but several of my guy friends are physically demanding of women, yet they could stand to lose a few pounds...if you know what I mean

Oh, I know, I dated three of them. And I was never that fat, anyway.

On the flip side, several of my wife's friends demand that their partners be 'Brad Pitt plus Bill Gates', even though like all people, none of them are perfect

I'll grant you that (having known some women like that)...but in my experience at least, the guys still corner the market on this one.

 

The only thing I can suggest is that there is probably as many women, or moreso, attracted to "safe" guys as much as there are attracted to "dangerous" guys. It's just the only stories or "news" heard about deals with the dangerous types.

This is how it is for guys, too. Not all guys are attracted to the normal image of what an attractive woman is. But, mostly, the only women shown or shown in relationships are that 'normal' image. But that doesn't mean that 'normal' image is the only women guys like.

Even though those 'sterotypes', if you call them that, is whats in the media, or whatever, it doesn't mean thats the only options for everyone. So sure some women are attracted to dangerous guys. If you're a 'safe' guy, there are other women who'd probably be more attracted to you.

I could be wrong though. errr just kidding.

G-D