Saga - PT Attack of The Clones Humorous Version Repost--The Compilation-complete-SPOILERS of ST possibly

I have every part in my Open Office doc, i just need to stitch the last of the weave. I will post what i have so far and give credit to each contributor to the thread in the end credits......

 

WARNING: THIS THREAD MAY CONTAIN GENERAL SW SAGA AND ST SPOILERS


Title:Attack of The Clones Humorous Version: The Complete Compilation


Author:The Jedi Council. First Author: study3600.

Rating: PG-16 for language, some drug references and some sexual humor


Characters: Ob-Ewan McNobi, Manakin Streetwalker, Patme Ahmadillylally, Supreme Cameo Palpitatine, Mace Windy, Yoga, Count Doodu


Genre: Humor/fantasy

Length: The length of a regular Star Wars Shooting Script

Timeline:20 Y BBY About


Summary: Ten years after The Phantom Menace Humorous Version, Senator Patme Amadilly returns to Corruptant to cast her vote on the MILITARY CREATION ACT, but someone is trying to kill her. It is up to Manakin Streetwalker to protect her and Ob-Ewan McNobi to get to the bottom of this mystery of who this mysterious would-be assassin is. And we finally get to see "Teenage Mutant Ninja Yoga" in action. Meanwhile Count Doodu makes a treaty with the Corporation alliance and other evil entities and prepares the galaxy for war.....


Notes:This is a closed thread, meaning no one is allowed to add to it.However, you may comment.-BLSKV


A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLTD PRODUCTION

A long time ago in the twisted mind of the JC...

SC 01 EXT SPAVE (What the hell is spave??)

A sea of stars serves as the backdrop of a Sham-Wow roll on which is scrawled, in yellow crayon, the MAIN TITLE CRAWL, which has a habit of crawling into infinity....





EPISODE II
ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS

It is a period of unrest in the United States. Several southern states have seceded
from the union led by rebel leader ....
wrong story.

It is a period of unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several solar systems , under the leadership of Count Vlad Doodo, have declared theier intentions to secede from the Republic.
The Confederist-er, separatist movement has made it hard for the United Nations, er, Jedi to maintain peace and order in the galaxy.
Da Da Da Da da Da DA DA DA DA DA DAAAA DA

Senator Ami-Dahli Lama is returning to Coronat to vote on the issue of creating an army of the Republic to help the jedi maintain peace......
.....notice the prequel title crawls are long and unexciting?

SC 02 EXT HAMMERANDSICKLEUSCANT-LANDING PLATFORM

As Ami-Dahli's ship prepares to land, two NuhBOO Guards, who have already landed, got out of their starfighters.

CAPTAIN TYPHOON: Glad that went-

OTHER NUHBOO GUARD: -SSSHHH!! Don't say it!

Ami-Dahlee gets out of the ship uneventfully, while a nearby bounty hunter curses her luck, her obvious opener lost.

SC 03 INT.-PALPITATINE'S OFFICE-DAY

PALPITATINE sits at his desk with two red clad Royal Guards from Return of the Jedi guarding the door.
Yoga, Mace Windy, Purp and other members of the Jedi Council sit across from him.

PALPY THE SLIMY: Something must be done. The Senator from Naboo has been attacked.

THE ENTIRE OFFICE IN CHORUS: WHICH ONE!?

AUDIENCE: hopefully.

PALPITATINE: Ami-Dah, oh hell, Amidala, sadly.

YOGA: Attacked, she has *not* been. Uneventfully, she has arrived. Check your script.

As Palpatine checks his script, Mace adds with renewed hope:

MACE WINDY: So Rinks-

YOGA: No, sadly, injured Rinks was not. Injured, nobody was. An excuse to put Streetwalker with Patme, we need, or screwed, we are. Nowhere, can the plot go without it.

PALPITATINE: Now I will come to our secession and military creation problem. I don't know how much longer I can put off the vote. More and more star systems are joining the Confeder- er seperatists.

MACE WINDY: If they do break away...

PALPITATINE: Then this republic will crumble like dust, even after thousands of years. Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.
(cackles) UHHM....OOPS. I was only..um..considering what might happen...uhhm, anyway, I will not let this Republic be split in two. My negotiations will not fail!

BABBLER: Whatever you say, President Carter. We've lost all communications. And where are the Cameo's Ambassadors? If this is a consular ship, then where are the ambassadors?

YOGA: Wrong Humerous Version, study.

study3600: Riiight.

MACE WINDY: If your negotiations fail, you must realize that there aren't enough Jedi to protect the Union-er, Republic.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: We must keep this Union together at all costs.

PALPITATINE: Master Yoga, do you really think this will come to war?

YOGA: Worse than war, I fear...much worse.

PURP: FEAR is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to Jar-Jar bashing. Jar-Jar bashing leads to the reduction of Gungun character roles.

YOGA: Oh! Fear, did I say. I meant "am concerned".

PURP: But you said fear.

YOGA(waves hand): It was a mere slip of the tongue.

EVERYBODY IN ROOM: It was a mere slip of the tongue.

YOGA(to himself): Ooh. my own Force strength I know not. (To everyone):The Dark Side clouds everything. Impossible to see, the future is-but I am sure of- uh, never mind.

PALPITATINE: Sure of what?

YOGA: Nothing.

PALPITATINE: Does it concern me?

YOGA: No, some other guy who is dashing and good with a sabre. A trimmed beard, has he.

PALPITATINE: You mean my appre- er, the rebel Count Doodu?

Just then, a Rodian appears in a hologram:

RODIAN: The Loyalist Committee has arrived.

PALPITATINE: Good. Send them in.

In walks PATME AMIDALLYLIAH and some others.

YOGA: Alive, seeing you, warm feelings to my heart brings, Senator Amidalalala.

GL: Check your script. You don't say this line backwards.

As Yoga checks his script, PATME says:

PATME: I want to know who's trying to kill me.

WINDY: Our intelligence reports point to disgruntled spice miners from Kessel.

PATME: Bull! I think Count Doodu is behind it!

KI-ADI-MONEY-MONEY: Count Doodu is a political ideallist, not a murderer.

WINDU: You know M'Lady, Doodu was once a Jedi. He couldn't kill anyone.

PATME: You mean wouldn't.

WINDU: Yeah, wouldn't. What are you an English teacher?
anyway, it's not in his character.

PALPITATINE: May I suggest that the Senator be placed in the protection of your graces. An old friend like (gives Patme a devilish look) Master McNobi.

PATME gets a dreamy look in her eyes.

PATME: Oh, this is most necessary, Cameo.

PALPITATINE: And without major frustration, Streetwalker will never.....mind. I'm sure he won't disobey an executive order.

 

SC 04 INT. SENATE CHAMBER-DAY, THOUGH THERE ARE NO WINDOWS IN THE BUILDING, SO WE CAN'T TELL IF IT'S DAY OR NIGHT

The senate chamber is abuzz with conversation.

MAMMAMIA: Order. The creation of an army is the issue. That is what we'll vote on.

The Vulcan senate box moves toward the high chair, which Supreme Cameo Palpitatine is in.

SAREK: Permission to speak, Cameo.

PALPITATINE: The chair recognizes the honorable representative from the planet Vulcan.

SAREK: I have learned that there was a failed attempt on Senator Amidahli's life prevented by Captain Typhoon, who decided not to jinx the mission by saying "We made it. I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all."

The Talaxian senate box blows up.

SAREK: It would only be logical to create an army to help deal with these rebels.

SENATOR ASK AAK: How many more annoying fur-covered aliens will die before this civil strife ends? We muzz confront these rebels now and we certainly need an army to do it.

FREE ORNTAAS: The Republic needs more security.

MELMAC SENATOR: I concur.

ALIEN SENATOR: So do I.

ORK SENATOR: NANU!

PALPITATINE: We will discuss this later. study lost the script. Need I remind you that our objective is peace, not war.

PATME: At all costs, avoid war.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND SENATOR: I agree. Peace, not war.

ILLEGAL ALIEN SENATOR JOSE RICARDIO: No, Amigos, no war.

EVERYONE (EXCEPT THE SENATORS MENTIONED EARLIER WHO WANTED AN ARMY): NO WAR! NO WAR! NO WAR!

MAMMAMIA: ORDER! ORDER IN THE SENATE CHAMBER!

Everyone shuts up.

PALPITATINE: The chair now recognizes Patme Amidalala of NuhBOO.

PATME: Less than an hour ago, someone attempted to make an attempt to assassinate me back there on the landing platform. Fortunately, Typhoon didn't say:

SAREK, SENATOR SPEAK and MAMMAMIA: DON'T SAY IT!

PATME: We made it. I guess I was wrong, there was no danger at all.

Melmac Senate box explodes, sending ALF screaming to the bottom of the Senate chamber, on fire. His yell can be heard clearly: DIAL TEN TEN TWO-TWENTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!

PATME: This is fun! We made it. I guess I was-

PALPATATINE: Enough! Amidaley, cut the crap and continue your speech.

PATME: Oh yeah, heh. (Calms down) I believe this security measure was also the target. I have led the opposition to create an army...but there is somebody in this body who will stop at nothing to assure its passage...

PALPITATINE (Nervous): You've got nothin' on me! I have rights! I have powerful lawyers! How dare you accuse me of being a Sith Lord. I-

PATME (Embarrassed): Oh, not you...right?--of course not..wait(She scrutinizes him) hmmm..hard to say.

PALPITATINE (Waves his hand): It isn't me.

PATME: It isn't me.

PALPITATINE(under his breath): Good enough.

PATME: I warn you, if create this army you do, follow, war will. Hehe. How's my Yogaspeak? Hehe. Ahh. I have experienced the misery of war first hand. It looks cool in a movie, but it's a *****.

All the senators are asleep.

PATME: WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Lives will be lost. Vote down this measure, which is nothing less than a declaration of war!

Everyone wakes up.

EVERYONE: WAR! NO! HOW DO WE AVOID IT?!

PATME simmers. She gives up. For now.

PALPITATINE: Due to the lateness of the hour and the fact that this scene has lasted forever, we will take up these matters tomorrow, so goodnight you pawns.

All eyes are on PALPITATINE. Silence fills the chamber.

PALPITATINE: Slip of the tongue. Until tomorrow, the Senate stands adjourned.

SC 05 INTERIOR-APARTMENT BUILDING-ELEVATOR-TWILIGHT

We finally see Hayden and Ewan, as Manakin Streetwalker and Ob-Ewan McNobi

OB-EWAN: You seem on edge. You haven't been this tense since we fell into that nest of Gundarks.

MANAKIN: What are Gundarks?

OB-EWAN: You know...those creatures that... that it's a bad thing to fall into a nest of.

MANAKIN: Oh. It's just that I haven't seen her in ten years.

OB-EWAN: Just relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind.

MANAKIN: I can't. Patme is all I ever think about.

In slow-motion, duel of the fates music blaring, OB-EWAN's open hand comes down and strikes the back of MANAKIN's head.

W - h- a- c- k

MANAKIN: Ow! Why the hell do you always hit me, Master? Where did you pick up this habit?

OB-EWAN: Let's just say there's always a bigger fish.

The elevator opens. JAB-JAB RINKS walks into the corridor, where MANIKIN and OB-EWAN step out. He recognizes OB-EWAN and rushes to shake his hand. OB-EWAN throws a left hook that connects with JAB-JAB's elongated snout. JAB-JAB falls to the floor, nose bleeding.

OB-EWAN: It's you again. Hi.

JAB-JAB gets up.

JAB-JAB: Yousa gotten any Kleenex?

MANAKIN walks toward him with a box of Puffs.

JAB-JAB: Oh thank yousa, I-

MANAKIN suddenly drops the box and gives him a right. JAB-JAB falls to the floor, squealing like a Glub-Glub. MANAKIN brings him the tissue.

MANI: Here.

JAB-JAB: Mani? Little Mani? Little bitty Mani? (Looks at MANAKIN.) Noooooo. Yousa biggen! Yiyiyiyyi! Mani!

MANAKIN gives his a tremendous Force-push and sends him careening down the hall and down a flight of stairs.

INT. PATME'S APARTMENT-STILL TWILIGHT

JAB-JAB( with a cast on his left arm and a neck brace): Lookie here Senator. Desa Jedi arriven!

PATME kicks him in the crotch, and he doubles up in pain.

JAB-JAB(gasps): Why mesa always da one.

Meanwhile OB-EWAN EYES PATME. MANAKIN also eyes PATME. PATME eyes OB-EWAN. MANAKIN notices PATME looking at OB-EWAN and glares at OB-EWAN. PATME sees MANAKIN glaring at OB-EWAN and remembers how much that pervert MANAKIN likes her and frowns. Meanwhile, OB-EWAN, meanwhile has kept his eyes on PATME the whole time.

OB-EWAN: Why are you frowning?

PATME: Well you're handsome, and sexy at that, but Manakin - well, Manakin will always be that little boy I knew on Patootie.

She pinches MANAKIN on the cheek.

TYPHOON: The situation is more dangerous than the Cameo is willing to admit.

PATME: I want to know who gave me this bad dialogue.

OB-EWAN: We can only protect you. We can't fight a war for you.

PATME: You mean you can't start an investigation for me.

OB-EWAN: WE can't.. oh yes, right.

MANAKIN: We'll find out who was trying to kill you. I promise.

Whack

OB-EWAN: Are you deaf? We will not exceed our mandate, young paddleone.

MANAKIN: I meant only in the interest of protecting her, Master.

OB-EWAN: I will not go through this again, Manakin. We will do exactly as the Council ordered. Pay attention to my lead.

MANAKIN: Why?

Whack

OB-EWAN: What, boy, what? C'mon boy, just say "why" again.

MANAKIN: Why?

Whack

OB-EWAN: Okay you little ****, why what?

MANAKIN: Why is Purp scaling the building and looking through the window?

OB-EWAN: Beats the hell out of me. You will learn your place, young one.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[More possibly tomorrow after work.

Completed HV's:

I (Technically, though it still is incomplete unless there is SOMEONE out there with a copy of the original.)
II
IV
V

Incomplete HV's
III
VI
VII

Not started yet:

VIII
IX

Extracurricular:

ROUGE ONE

HANDS OFF PART ONE

The Clown Wars- incomplete

THe Goofy Bunch-Not started

Rebelliousness- Not started

The Holiday Special is too sacred to touch-hands off

The MacGuffin- Not started

I cant do all this alone. -BLSK"study3600"V

Let's do this thing. I'll post a link to ROTJ, RoTS and TFA HV's soon. But III MUST be finished before VI is completed. That is a must. Now is the time for all good men and women in the JCC to come to the aid of the Humorous Versions.
God bless.-Brent Ciou.]
:

 

The other movie and movie script-based Humorous Versions:

• ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  :
  Help for writing in script format:

https://boards.theforce.net/threads/help-for-budding-screenplay-writers.50056314/

The other movie and movie script-based Humorous Versions:

1. https://boards.theforce.net/threads...version-repost-2010-humor-silliness.30643704/
   TPM HV-The beginning, some of it begging to be replaced by the Original......
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads...contd-add-on-spoilers.30602068/#post-30602068
   ROTS HV COMPILATION
   
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/revenge-of-the-sith-humorous-version-spoilers.19980768/
   TO ADD TO THE ROTS HV STORY GO HERE:
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/a-new-hope-humorous-version.177852/
   ANH HV
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/esb-humorous-version-spoilers.203134/
   ESB HV PART 1
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads...morous-version-contiued-st-spoilers.50056267/
   ESB HV Part 2
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/return-of-the-jedi-humorous-version-spoilers-contd.19294988/
   ROTJ HV Compilation
   
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/return-of-the-jedi-humorous-version-spoilers-contd.19294988/
   TO ADD TO ROTJ HV GO HERE:
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/the-force-awakens-humorous-version-spoilers.50036141/
   TFA HV

All story ideas for the Humorous Versions must be discussed on the New Humorous Version Planning Thread, here:

https://boards.theforce.net/threads/the-new-humorous-version-planning-thread.50035610/

But we cannot discuss spoilers on it, but it is linked back to here.

 

[I did not go to work today. I forgot I had the day off. So I spent half the day napping to catch up on sleep and the other half editing and posting this HV]


SC 06 EXT-CORUSHRIMPSCAMPI-NIGHT

ZAM-BAM WEASEL: I was going to hit the ship but Captain Typhoon didn't jynx the landing by saying "I was wrong. There was no danger after all. We made it.

Nearby a speeder blows up and crashes to the ground.

A mysterious MANDOLORIAN gives her a tube of deadly worms.

MANDO: There can be no mistakes this time.

SC 07 EXT.CORUSCANTOO-PADME'S APARTMENT-NIGHT

OB-EWAN: Captain Typhoon has more than enough men downstairs. No assassin would try coming in that way.

MANAKIN jumps startled, and turns to face OB-EWAN

OB-EWAN: So, what's cracking?

MANAKIN: Nada. This place is dead. Let's blow this joint and head out to a club.

OB-EWAN (looking over at the monitor):What's going on?

MANIKIN (looking back at the security monitors, now blank): She's covered the security monitors. And just as she was taking her bra off. Poodu.

OB-EWAN: Be mindful of your hormones, Paddleone. And, she's out of your league, pal.

MANAKIN: Yeah, I figured that when she said I'd always be the little boy she knew on Patootie.

OB-EWAN (smiling): Yeah, that was a kick in the ol' lightsaber-and-batteries. But you looked-hah, sooo cute when she-heh,heh- pinched you on the cheeks HAHAHA!!

MANAKIN watches OB-EWAN laughing for a few minutes. Eventually, OB-EWAN seems to get a grip on himself.

OB-EWAN: Oh dear. That was funny. Still, she shouldn't have covered the cameras.

MANAKIN: She programmed Artoo to warn us if there is an intruder. Don't worry, Master, I programmed Artoo to record everything she does on his holo-recorder, so we won't have missed anything important.

OB-EWAN: Good call, my young Paddleone. We can watch it later.

MANAKIN: We want to catch this assassin, don't we Master?

OB-EWAN: You're using her as bait?

MANAKIN: It was her idea.

LI-GON: Actually, it was my idea. I did that in The Phantom Menace - The Humourous Version.

[I'm posting all this now. I'll format it later.]
OB-EWAN and MANIKIN turn to see the shimmering blue ghost of Jedi Master LI-GON JINN AND TONIC.

OB-EWAN and MANIKIN: Master Li-Gon??

OB-EWAN: But I saw you die on NuhBOO.

LI-GON: And if you remember, my old Paddleone, I said even then that you would die and become a blue ghost.

OB-EWAN: But Master, you are the one that became a ghost.

LI-GON: Never fear, my old Paddleone, your time shall come. But now I must leave, before GL realises that I'm here. Remember, my young friends.... there's always a bigger fish.

LI-GON's ghost slowly fades away. OB-EWAN and MANIKIN look at each other for a moment before continuing.

OB-EWAN: Soooo.. this bait plan you were talking about.

MANAKIN: Don't worry, Master, no harm will come to her. I can sense everything going on it that room.

OB-EWAN: Everything?

MANAKIN grins

MANAKIN: Trust me.

OB-EWAN: It's too risky. Besides, your senses aren't that well attuned, my young apprentice.

MANAKIN: Oh no? Well, let me tell you what she's doing right now....

MANIKIN leans forward and whispers into OB-EWAN's ear. OB-EWAN's eyes widen in shock.

Whack

OB-EWAN: You little perve...

SC 08 EXT - OUTSIDE THE CORUSCANHARDLY BOUNTY HUNTERS' SINGLES CLUB - NIGHT

ZAM-BAM places the poisonous scorpions into a assassin droid and sends it on its way.

SC 09 EXT - BALCONY OUTSIDE PATME'S APARTMENT - STILL NIGHT

MANIKIN looks out into the night sky. He looks tired.

OB-EWAN: You look tired.

MANAKIN: I don't sleep well anymore.

OB-EWAN: Because of your mother? Awww, does the wittle Paddlone miss his mommy?

MANAKIN looks sad and nods reluctantly

MANAKIN: I don't know why I keep dreaming about her.

OB-EWAN: Well, you know what Freud would say about that.

MANAKIN looks confused.

MANIKIN: Freud?

OB-EWAN: Nevermind.

They look at each other

MANAKIN: I felt it too!

SC 10 INT. AMIDAHHHHHHHLA'S ROOM. NIGHT.

MANAKIN rushes in with his lightsaber and kills the worm things, waking PATME up with a start. OB-EWAN tears through the window and grabs the probe droid.

MANAKIN (to Patme): Are you OK?

PATME: Oh, sure. A lightsaber at close range, right next to my face. Better than Botox, I hear.

SC 11 INT. THE LIVING ROOM OF PATME'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.

On the holovidscreen, Zreebo O'Really's nightly news-discussion show is on. Topic- the seccession of the Republic.

GUEST: And so, I think the Republic isn't perfect but it's worked for a thousand-"

O'Really cuts him off.

O'REALLY: We have recieved word that there's been an attempt on Senator Amidaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhla's life, and Jedi Knights are now in pursuit of a suspect bounty hunter. Since we here at Flox News know which side our ratings bread is buttered on, we are now abandoning serious discussion of the issues of the day in favor of live coverage of the chase."

CUT TO: GERAWFUL RIVIABLO, giving live pursuit of the chase. Or chasing the pursuit. Or covering the chase/pursuit. Whatever. Inexplicably, the audio track is overlaid with the sound of a helicopter. He is following OB-EWAN, who is hanging on for dear life to AN ASSASSIN DROID.

ASSASSIN DROID: (Sith probe droid noise from TPM).

OB-EWAN: Hey, take that back!

ASSASSIN DROID: (raspberry)

OB-EWAN: Well, (Imperial code from ESB)!

The droid runs into a building on purpose, smashing the fingers on OB-EWAN's left hand.

OB-EWAN (sucking his fingers and using his free hand to hold on): Damn you little (whistle, click, toot)!

The Probe droid zaps OB-EWAN, causing him to nearly lose his grip

OB-EWAN: Okay, I take it back!

Riviablo follows the chase,


RIVIABLO: Well, O'Really, that would be either Anakin Skywalker or (looks at paper) Otis-One Kanobby* dangling from the probe droid-

-Yes, I believe it's Kanobby hanging on-

Meanwhile MANAKIN has found a car and is dodging in and out of traffic, his radio on full blast turned to WWHGY, 187878 GM (Galactic Modulation), (a hard rock station), banging his head and making the 'hail Satan' sign.

MANAKIN: Wait, I?m supposed to be helping my Master. Wait, screw him-I?m having FUN-Oh, right, Patme.

He swerves the car around and speeds off. As he flies around another car pulls up beside his car, and two hot alien chicks start winking and licking their lips at him. MANAKIN watches, panting. He winks back. The girls giggle.
The PROBE DROID whizzes past him, OB-EWAN clinging to it.

OB-EWAN: MANAKIN YOU A**HOLE! GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND SAVE ME!

MANAKIN: Oh, yeah-be right with you!

He pulls out a pad and pen from the glove compartment and scrawls his number. He rips off the sheet and hands it to the ladies.

MANAKIN: Call me. (Winks again)

He continues on his way, then-

MANAKIN: ****!

The traffic light in front of him is red

OB-EWAN whizzes past him again.

OB-EWAN: Screw the light, and get your a** OVER HERE!

MANAKIN pulls out of traffic, follows OB-EWAN and loses him again.

ZAM BAM sees OB-EWAN coming and aims her rifle at the DROID.

Meanwhile, MANAKIN sees a huge Victoria?s Secret ad that leaves nothing to the imagination (The woman is completely naked and holding her bra and panties in front of her with her four arms).

High above, ZAM shoots the DROID. It explodes and OB-EWAN falls.


RIVIABLO: -oops, he's just fallen off, let's go in for a closer look- whoa, someone almost crashed into me there- I'm Gerawful Riviablo."



MANAKIN ogles the ad as OB-EWAN falls head first into the back seat.


OB-EWAN:What took you so long?

MANAKIN: I couldn't find a speeder I like. And some nut in a news hovervan almost crashed into me!

Anakin turns around, and smiled and waves at the camera, with predictable comments.



OB-EWAN: Why do I have the feeling you're going to be the-(sees ad) MANAKIN, stop looking at Victoria's Secret ads and follow that bounty hunter!

MANAKIN(Still looking at the ad): What bounty hunter?

OB-EWAN turns MANAKIN's head around

OB-EWAN: The female one with a rifle that's getting away.

MANAKIN turns his head back to the ad.

MANAKIN: Later.

Whack
Whack

OB-EWAN: NOW!

MANAKIN sulks and obediently takes off after ZAM.

OB-EWAN: If you spent as much time working on your sabre skills as you do ogling women, you would rival Master Yoga as a swordsman.

MANAKIN: I could take on two Yogas.

OB-EWAN: Bull.

MANAKIN: I could take on Yoga, Doodu, Vacuous, Li-Gon, Windy, Bludgeon, Marcus and you all at the same time without even breaking a sweat!

OB-EWAN stares ahead of the car while MANAKIN talks.

OB-EWAN: Manakin.

MANAKIN: I could wield two double-bladed brightsabres! I could twirl them like batons. I could take on a whole army! I could wield three brightsabres at once!

OB-EWAN(points): MANAKIN! LOOK OUT!

MANAKIN's speeder dives just in time to avoid hitting a large bus.

MANAKIN: I saw it.

OB-EWAN: Pay attention to the road!

MANAKIN: Oh right, you don't like flying. Hey look, no hands!

MANAKIN takes both hands off the wheel.

OB-EWAN: MANAKIN! Never do that again!

MANAKIN: Can I do this?

The speeder does some barrel rolls and loop-the-loops.

OB-EWAN(Gripping his seat with both hands, knuckles white): NO! Let me drive! What you're doing is suicide!

MANAKIN: Oh, this is suicide, Master.

MANAKIN heads for a head-on collision with another speader, driven by a Dug.

MANAKIN: So, Sebulbous, we meet again.

SEBULBOUS: Jedi Pudu!

MANAKIN, done playing Chicken, dodges left, then goes into a steep dive.

MANAKIN: YEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAA !!!!

OB-EWAN: ohsithohsithohsith...

Riviablo follows the chase

RIVIABLO: -LOOK AT THAT DIVE!! I haven't seen anything like that since the O.K. Sim-Pson chase! I'm Gerawful Riviablo!

The news van groaned and creaked as Gerawful tried vainly** to keep up with Manakin.

RIVIABLO: Looks like the bounty hunter- we don't know his, her, or it's name yet- has activated that power coupling- will Streetwalker fly *through* it, or jink two feet over it- nope, he's FLYING THROUGH IT!! ISN'T THIS GREAT, FOLKS!! SO MUCH COOLER THAN THOSE TALKING HEADS AT THE STUDIO!!!!

Cut back to FLOX NEWS STUDIO, and The Guest, a Futurama-style talking head "Fenry Sclissinger"

SCHLISSINGER'S DISEMBODIED HEAD: Hey, I'm offended by that!

CUT BACK TO: The chopp-um, hovervan.

RIVIABLO: It looks like Streetwalker's lost the bounty hunter, um, he's looking over the si-HOLY POODOO DID YOU SEE THAT!! STREETWALKER HAS JUMPED. OUT. OF. THE. SPEEDER. I'M FOLLOWING HIM!!! I'M GERAWFUL RIVIABLO!

Gerawful once again maneuvers the 'van into a dive such that it's makers never imagined, certainly not when full of broadcast equipment. Eventually he catches up, just as the incredibly-low-fuel warning chime comes on.

RIVIABLO: Streetwalker's GRABBED HOLD OF THE BOUNTY HUNTER'S SPEEDER!! LOOK!! He's gone around to the front- is that his lightsaber he- YES IT IS!! HE'S SLASHING AT THE DRIVER WITH HIS LIGHTSABER!! AY-GOOT-GOOT-GOOT, HOT PURSUIT, I LOVE IT!!!-- whoa, HE'S LOST HIS LIGHTSABER!!!"

At that moment, the 'saber comes crashing through the news van windshield (narrowly missing the camera), and out the back window. Unseen by the camera, Obi-Wan catches it perfectly and places it on the passenger seat of the speeder. Then he shoots effortlessly past the news van. We rejoin Gerawful's commentary.

RIVIABLO: "Looks like Kenobbly- Kanbobi- whatever- just passed me and- whoops, DID YOU SEE THAT!!??!! THE PREY JUST CRASH LANDED !! I'M GOING DOWN TO LOOK!! I'M GERAWFUL RIVIABLO!"

OB-EWAN safely parks the stolen speeder near a fire hydrant. An instant after he gets out, Gerawful crashes the news van into the commandeered speeder, falling off the platform. Well and truly out of fuel, Gerawful falls several hundred levels to where the YJKs would find his bones and his vehicle, decades later.

ZAM BAM runs through the streets, knocking passersby out of her way. MANI struggles past panhandlers asking for quarters.

ZAM knocks OB-EWAN down as she runs into a nightclub.

MANI: Master she ran into that club!

OB-EWAN: Yes, I know.

OB-EWAN holds out MANI's brightsabre.

OB-EWAN: You dropped this.

MANI snatches the brightsabre out of OB-EWAN's hand, avoiding a lecture.

MANI: Thanks!

DOORMAN: That'll be seven credits apiece.

MANI: I don't have any money on me.

OB-EWAN sighs heavily as he pulls out his wallet and pays the covercharge. "This is coming out of your allowance, young one. You'll put me in a mud hut in the middle of nowhere yet."

MANI: Don't say that, Master. You're like a father to me.

OB-EWAN: I need a drink.

OB-EWAN heads for the bar. MANAKIN blinks in surprise, then moves into the room, where HOT ALIEN CHICKS try to pick him up as he moves among the tables. OB-EWAN arrives at the bar. He signals the BARMAN.

CLOSE - Somewhere in the room a HAND moves to a pistol in its holster and unsnaps the safety catch. At the bar, a glass is placed in from of OB-EWAN. A drink is poured. He lifts the glass.

ELAN SLEAZEBAGGANO: Wanna buy some smack, I mean death-sticks?

OB-EWAN looks at him. He moves his fingers slightly.

OB-EWAN: You don't want to sell me death-sticks.

ELAN: I don't want to sell you death-sticks.

OB-EWAN moves his fingers.

OB-EWAN: You want to give me your entire stash for free.

ELAN: I want to give you my entire stash for free.

He hands over a large wad of death-sticks and leaves. OB-EWAN snorts the lot. He looks up. There appears to be a baby crawling on the ceiling. OB-EWAN shrugs and downs his drink.

CLOSE. The gun is drawn from its holster and held down out of sight. The BOUNTY HUNTER starts to move toward the bar.

MANAKIN checks out some more HOT ALIEN CHICKS. OB-EWAN, his pupils shrunken out of existence, signals for another drink. The gun moves toward his unsuspecting back.

The drink is poured. OB-EWAN reaches for it. The gun is raised to aim directly at his back and suddenly OBI-WAN turns fast. His lightsaber flashes. There is a shrill SCREAM and ZAM'S ARM hits the floor. The gun drops from its twitching fingers. Blood spreads.

The room is silent. ALIENS rise menacingly from their seats, and MANAKIN is suddenly at OBI-WAN's side, his lightsaber glowing.

MANAKIN: Easy... Official arm-chopping business. [waves hand] You didn't see anything.

EVERYBODY: We didn't see anything.

MANAKIN: [waves hand again] You want to go back to your drinks.

EVERYBODY: We want to go back to our drinks.

MISERABLE ALIEN: I haven't got a drink!

OTHER ALIEN: Sssh!

MANAKIN: [waves hand yet again] And all you hot alien chicks want to come by my place later for some fun.

HOT ALIEN CHICKS: And all us hot alien chicks want to come by your place later for-

OB-EWAN: Manakin!

MANAKIN: Sorry, Master.

Slowly, the ALIENS sit. Conversation resumes. Onstage, THE PERFORMERS pick up their routine. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN lift ZAM and carry her out.

SC 12 EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

OB-EWAN and MANAKIN carry ZAM out into the alley and lower her to the ground. OB-EWAN tends to her wounded shoulder. ZAM glares at MANAKIN, even though OB-EWAN is the one who just cut her arm off. This girl needs to get her priorities straight.

OB-EWAN: Do you know who you were trying to kill?

ZAM: The senator from NuhBOO.

OB-EWAN: Who hired you?

ZAM: Half the galaxy, practically. Hell, you two both chipped in twenty credits, as I recall.

MANAKIN looks at her more closely.

MANI: Hey, I thought you looked familiar.

OB-EWAN: Oh, yeah . . . no, I meant the other senator. The chick.

ZAM: (embarrassed) Oh, this is about her?

MANI: Well, you did just try to kill her.

ZAM: No no no, I didn't try to kill her. The bugs did.

OB-EWAN: Beg pardon?

ZAM: I had to use bugs. You see, I can't kill her unless she says it.

MANI: Says what?

ZAM: I guess I was wrong. There was no danger after all.

There is a sudden FTZZZ sound. (Wow. Great descriptions, George.) ZAM twitches.

ZAM: Damn, he's good.

She dies. There is a WEOOSH from above. (Quality writing. Really.) OB-EWAN and MANI look up to see an ARMOURED ROCKET-MAN fly overhead. MANI starts humming the Elton John song Rocket Man.

MANI: Rocket man, do do do do do do...

Whack

MANI: Ow!

OB-EWAN: Stop that.

He reaches into her neck and pulls out a small, wicked-looking dart.

OB-EWAN: Toxic dart.

MANI: How do you know it's toxic?

OB-EWAN jabs some random guy walking past with the dart. He gasps and falls dead.

MANI: Gotcha.

*Obi-Wan would get increasingly grumpy as this footage was repeated 75,000 times over the next several weeks, his name never corrected. Not even once.

**Not that Gerawful Riviablo ever did anything NON-vainly.

 

SC 13 INT. JC CHAMBER: DAY:

OB-EWAN and MANAKIN stand in the center of the council chamber. The members of the JEDI COUNCIL are seated in a circle surrounding them.

YOGA: Bounty hunter track down must you, Obi-Ewan.

OB-EWAN: Could you talk, um... forward?

Whack

YOGA: Already been through this, we have! Talk forward, I, cannot. Use your damn ears, I'm not that hard to understand.

Everyone stares at Yoga.

YOGA(CONT'D):Mean, I do, 'Use your damn ears, you must. Easy to understand, I am'.

Whack

MACE WINDY: Whatever. Just find out who this bada** mofo works for, G.

OB-EWAN: What about Senator Armadillo, or whatever... she's still in danger.

YOGA: Handle that, your Paddleone will.

OB-EWAN: But... but... his abilities have made him, well, arrogant!

YOGA: Come later in the movie, that line does. Impossible to say it now.

MANAKIN: And what's up with you always talking about me like I'm not even h-

Whack

OBI-EWAN: Oh, be quiet, both of you!

MACE WINDY: Manakin, take the Senator back to her home planet of NuhBOO. She be safa there.

MANAKIN: Won't the assassins just follow us? Duh?

MACE: You'lll have to use (long pause with dramatic music) public transportation.

MANAKIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT'S NOT TRUE, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

He falls down. Everyone just stares.

MANAKIN (CONT'D): Sorry. How am I supposed to get her to come with me? She came here to Coralchant to vote on something that has not been adequately explained, and I'm sure she'll want to stay until the vote is held.

YOGA: Until caught this killer is, do whatever the hell we want, she must.

MANAKIN: You mean, I could use the mind trick to make her strip off her clothes and make her lay on the bed as I-

GL: A-HEM

OB-EWAN: A well concieved plan. But there's great risk.

YOGA: Do it myself, I would, but old am I, and creepy would it be.

GL: GUYS!

MACE: Fine, just send her to Supreme Cameo Palpitatine, maybe he can smack some sense into her.

INT. SENATE BUILDING-PALP'S OFFICE-DAY

MANAKIN and PALPITATINE stand at the window of PALPITATINE'S office and look out over the vast city.

PALP: I will talk to Ahladada. She will not refuse an executive order, I can assure you of that.

MANAKIN: Thank you, your excellency.

PALP: Rise, my friend.

MANAKIN: I'm not even kneeling!

PALP: I sense that now you would like to continue your search for young Streetwalker.

MANAKIN: What the hell are you-

PALP: And so, my young Paddleone, they have finally given you an assignment.

MANAKIN: Why did you call me that?

PALP: What?

MANAKIN: Your Paddleone.

PALP: I meant "Prassle tun"

MANAKIN: Prassle-

PALP: Your patience has paid off.

MANAKIN: Your guidance more than my patience.

PALPITATINE: You don't need guidance, Manakin. In time you will learn to trust your feelings. Then you will be INVINCIBLE! MORE POWERFUL EVEN THAN YODA!
NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP YOU! YOU WILL RULE OVER ALL THE GALAXY! YOU WILL BE EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN ME!

MANAKIN(shivering): Thank you, your, um, excellency.

He nervously backs out of the room, whilst PALP keeps shouting about power and galactic domination

SC 14 INT. TEMPLE OF DOOM-ATRIUM-GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?-YOU GUESSED IT-STILL DAY

OB-EWAN: My Paddleone is a perverted a******. The horny b****** is not ready to escort a hot chick like Patme anywhere. It's like putting Hill Hinton in a room alone withe three gorgeous interns and expecting his Coruscant Monument to stay in his pants. Not gonna happen.

YOGA: Decided the council has. If screw around he does, kick his a** the council will. Purp has dibs on the area between the shoulder blades and Ki-Adi's got the solar plexus. Join in this beating you can, Master McNobi. First come, first serve. Decided we have to give it in advance. To the council chamber bring Manakin at-

OB-EWAN: He's my Paddleone and I shall take full responsibility for beating the living crap out of him if he doesn't keep his pants on!

YOGA: Wish, as you. A more and more common thing horniness is among Jedi.

WINDY: If the prophesy is true, your apprentice will be the only one who can bring balance to the force.

Everyone looks at WINDY. YOGA and OB-EWAN burst out laughing.

OB-EWAN: Good one, Windy! That was a riot! (frowns and glares at them.) If you guys hadn't stuck me with this ****in' hornytoad I could get an apprentice that doesn't undress every pretty girl he sees with his eyes, who isn't a porno addict who keeps stealing my cigarettes, ripping me off, borrowing my car without my permission and blowing his allowance at strip clubs!

PURP(just showing up): I see you at Klraxa's House of Pleasure every day!

OB-EWAN: Uh...well what were YOU doing there?

PURP: Yoga was there too!

YOGA: Don't tell Yaddle!

OB-EWAN: Hey, we got four hours before I we have to be in another scene! Let's go to the strip joint near the Newman sector! The girls there are hotter than hot!

PURP, YOGA AND WINDY: ALL-RIGHT! TO THE STRIP CLUB!

SC 15 INT. SENATE BUILDING, ARMADILLO'S APARTMENT - DAY

MANAKIN and JAB JAB stand near the door of the anteroom to PATME'S bedroom. (Since when, incidentally, do bedrooms have anterooms?) PATME and DORME move about packing luggage. Well, actually PATME is bossing DORME around as she packs all the luggage.

PATME: Representative Jab Jab. I have no choice but to count on you. (sighs) Honestly, you'd think they could've sent somebody with a brain, but no, it was always "We have to make sure the Glubglubs are represented, Senator" and "He's a hero of the Battle of Naboo, Senator" and "Nobody else wants to do it, Senator", so here I am with people trying to kill me, a drunk and a psychotic guarding me, a six-foot-tall floppy-eared frog doing my job, and I still can't find a decent hairstylist anywhere...

PATME notices everybody in the room staring at her.

PATME: Jab Jab, whatever you do, make sure the galaxy isn't plunged into a bloody tyranny which can only be ended by the deaths of billions in a terrible civil war.

JAB JAB: Yousa betchen mesa bottums.

PATME: Kill him.

OB-EWAN and MANAKIN look at each other, nod, and ignite their brightsabres.

JAB JAB: Oi, mooie mooey! I mean, I am honored to accept this heavy burden.

PATME: Eh, never mind, I'd have a hard time finding a replacement on this notice.

OB-EWAN and ANAKIN put their sabres away.

JAB JAB: I take on this responsibility with deep humility tinged with an overwhelming pride.

PATME: Scratch that. Kill him.

MANAKIN and OB-EWAN draw their sabres again. JAB JAB screams and goes running off down the hallway.

PATME: Don't let the door hit you!


PATME (CONT'D):-I do not like this idea of hiding. Well, actually I really don?t mind, but don't tell anyone. I'm glad that you and Ob-Ewan skipped the conversation where you talk about how I'm not like the others in the Senate. Because I am, you see. If I can kick back and go to Naboo with nothing to do, hey, I'm all for it!.

MANAKIN: But now that the Council has ordered an investigation, it won't take Master Obi-Wan long to find that bounty hunter.

PATME: Sithspit! Oh, sorry. Expanded Universe word. (Pulls herself together) I'll stick to canon.


MANAKIN: Sometimes we have to let go of our pride and do what is requested of us.

PATME: Yes I know. Sticking to canon is very difficult though. Anyway...(gets back to script) Pride?!? Annie, you're young, and you don't have a very firm grip on politics. I suggest you reserve your opinions for some other time...Now, does this dress make me look fat?

MANAKIN: Sorry, M'lady. I don't think I should answer that. You just told me to keep my opinions to myself.

PATME: Mani! Come on! What about this hairstyle? I know, it's too Episode-One-ish, isn't it?

MANAKIN: Please don't call me that.

PATME: What?

MANAKIN: Mani...

PATME: I've always called you that... it is your name, isn't it?

MANAKIN: It's Anakin. No MANAKIN. No wait, um, how about Vader? Don't you think the name Vader just sounds really cool? Except it doesn't sound good by itself. Anyway, anything but Mani. When you say Mani it's like I'm still a little boy... and I'm not.

PATME(under her breath): Yeah, no kidding. Um, er, that is?.I'm sorry, Manakin. It's impossible to deny you've... (looks him over) ...Whew! that you've grown up.

PATME smiles at MANAKIN.

MANAKIN: Master Obi-Wan manages not to see it... Don't get me wrong....He?s a great master. As wise as Master Yoga and as powerful as Master Windy. I am truly thankful to be his apprentice. Only... although I'm a Paddleone learner, in some ways... a lot of ways... I'm ahead of him. I'm ready for the trials. I know I am! He knows it too. He believes I'm too unpredictable. He... Dorme would you please stop that!

Looks at DORME, who is sitting on the sidelines with a bag of popcorn and a coke- er, Jawa Juice

DORME: What!

MANAKIN: If you don't mind, my temper tantrum is for Patme's benefit alone. I cannot get her too feel all motherly and protective of me, if there's someone else in the room. I need her to come over here to comfort me soon, at which point she will realize how tall and strong I am and how pretty my blue eyes are. If you're over there breathlessly hanging on our every word it is not going to work right. She will feel uncomfortable.

DORME (grins): Sorry pal, I paid for my ticket already, and I sat in line for three months in Seattle with those other guys to get here. I had to beat fifty other people at Star Wars trivia for this chance. I bet you don't even know what shape the Death Star detention corriders were!

MANAKIN walks over to her and whispers something in her ear.

DORME: Oh that's right. Well, I guess you would know then. But still, I'm not leaving!

MANAKIN: Oh fine! Where was I?

PATME: Ob-Ewan feels you're too unpredictable.

MANAKIN: Oh yeah. (*coughs and poses*) Other Jedi my age have gone through the trials and made it... I know I started my training late... but he won't let me move on!

PATME[looks at fingernails, bored. ]:That must be frustrating.

CORDE walks into room.

CORDE: Hey Dorme, what's going on?

DORME: Manakin's throwing a fit. It's really great, pull up a chair.

CORDE: Wow! Don't mind if I do. (she does)

MANAKIN: What are you doing? Can't I have Patme to myself for five minutes? Just five minutes?

PATME: Don't talk to my handmaidens like that.

MANAKIN: Why, M'Lady.

PATME: It makes them and me feel uncomfortable.

MANAKIN: As you wish.

 

SC 16 INTERIOR CORONAT, SPACEPORT FREIGHTER DOCKS, SECTION B, DOCK 42, TRANSPORT BUS, FRONT COMPARTMENT, 3.14 METERS FROM THE DOOR--DAY

TYPHOON: We made it. I guess I was wrong, M'Lady. There was no danger at all.

Outside, a passing speeder blows up in a fiery explosion.

PATME: Dammit, Captain! There's no time for that now! Now then, where was I...

PATME pulls a SCRIPT from out of her clothing, leafs through it, then puts it away.

PATME: Take good care of Dorme. And Corde. The threat's on you three now.

DORME: He'll be safe with us.

TYPHOON: Yes, we'll be safe. There was no danger at all.

A nearby transport bus detonates, scattering debris throughout the spaceport.

CORDE: On second thought, maybe Dorme and I should come with you. I'm sure it will be more entertaining...

CORDE winks at MANAKIN, who grins slyly.

CORDE: Not to mention safer.

TYPHOON: What are you talking about? We made it. There was no--

Whack

They laugh, and PATME embraces her faithful handmaiden. PATME's headdress WHACKS DORME on the head. DORME mutters several curses, then starts to weep.

PATME: You'll be fine.

DORME: It's not me, M'Lady. I worry about you, M'Lady. What if they realize, M'Lady, that you've left the Capital?

PATME: (looks to Manakin) Then my Jedi protector will have to prove how good he is.

MANAKIN: In bed?

PATME glares, while DORME and CORDE giggle. MANAKIN frowns as OB-EWAN pulls him aside.

OB-EWAN: Manakin. Don't do anything, or anyone, without first consulting either myself or the Council. And whatever you do, don't try to tap that ass. Remember, you're a Jedi.

MANAKIN: Yes, Master.

OB-EWAN: (to Patme) I will get to the bottom of this plot quickly, M'Lady. You'll be back in my bedchambers in no time.

MANAKIN looks confused.

PATME: (winks) I will be most grateful for your speed, Master Jedi.

MANAKIN: Time to go.

PATME: No ****.

PATME gives DORME and CORDE last hugs, WHACKING each in succession with her headdress. MANAKIN picks up the luggage, and the TWO PEASANTS (that's MANAKIN and PATME in disguise, for any morons who might be reading this) exit the speeder bus, where ARTOO is waiting for them.

OB-EWAN: Manakin, may the Force be with you.

MANAKIN: In bed? Er, I mean... may the Force be with you, Master.

They (MANAKIN and PATME. Note to GL: Be careful with pronoun antecedents.) head off toward the giant Starfreighter.

PATME: Suddenly, I'm afraid...

MANAKIN: Don't worry. We've got Artoo with us.

ARTOO: Beep beep blort. (Translation: Fools!!!)

OB-EWAN and CAPTAIN TYPHOON watch MANAKIN and PATME disappear into the vastness of the spaceport with ARTOO trundling behind them.

OB-EWAN: I hope he doesn't try anything foolish.

TYPHOON: I'd be more concerned about her doing someone, than him.

OB-EWAN: Oh, you don't know Manakin.

TYPHOON: But it seems that you do know Patme.

OB-EWAN: (winks) Oh, I certainly do. But Manakin, well... you wouldn't believe what I caught him doing with three Twi'leks the other night.

TYPHOON: What genius came up with the idea of sending those two off together anyway? Ye gods! Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that we made it. I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all.

Up in the sky, a large space station can be seen exploding in the distance.

OB-EWAN: Damn you!

OB-EWAN pulls out his copy of the script, leafs through it, and grins.

OB-EWAN: It appears that this is your last scene.

Takes out his brightsabre, slices Captain typhoon in half.

OB-EWAN: Good riddance.

SC 17 INT. TEMPLE OF DOOM-ANALYSIS CUBICLES-LATE DAY

OB-EWAN walks up to an analysis cubicle, and sits down in front of a console. An SP-4 ANALYSIS DROID comes to life and sees the dart.

SP-4: It's a poison dart and I have no idea where it came from. That'll be 50 Republic dactaries.

OB-EWAN(handing over the money): HEY! You didn't even examine it yet!

SP-4: NEXT!

There are ten people behind OB-EWAN.

SC 18 INT. DEX's DINER-EVENING

A WAITRESS DROID is carrying plates of half-eaten food. There is a counter with stools and a line of booths along the wall by the window. A couple is in one of the booths, sharing a malt. A number of customers are eating, including a half man/half dog creature. The Juke box is playing "Duke of Earl". The song switches to "Sixteen Candles"

The WAITRESS DROID comes up to him.

WAITRESS DROID: You want the soup or the special, hon?

OB-EWAN: The special, please. By the way, I'm looking for Dex. Tell him it's his old friend Ob-Ewan, and (he puls out a hundred credits and puts it on the waitresses tray)-do it now.

WAITRESS(seeing bribe): Oh certainly, Ma-HEY!

The half man/half dog creature's tail is up the WAITRESS DROID's skirt.

BARF: Hey I'm sorry-that thing has a mind of it's own.

MEL BROOKS: You rip off "Spaceballs" one more time and I'm suing the entire Jedi Council!

Suddenly, BEL MOOKS retches. He keeps retching uncontrollably and falls to the floor. An ALIEN chest burster pops out of his chest, dons a hat and a cane, and starts singing:

Hello my honey, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal.
Send me a kiss by wire.
Baby my heart's on fire!
If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me,
Then you'll be left alone,
Oh, baby, telephone,
And tell me I'm your own.....

OB-EWAN: What did that acclaimed parodyist have?

WAITRESS: The special.

OB-EWAN: Check please!

A REALLY FAT UGLY ALIEN sits down at OB-EWAN's booth.

DEX: OB-EWAN!

OB-EWAN: Hey, Dex, my old crack dealer!

DEX: I can get you a real good deal on some real hardcore stuff I picked up on the outer rim.

OB-EWAN: Later. I wonder if you can tell me where this dart came from.

DEX examines it for 5 minutes, going "Hmmmm" and "Ahhhhh". He hands it to OB-EWAN.

DEX: I haven't the faintest idea.

The WAITRESS DROID comes up to the booth.

WAITRESS: Oh, that's from Kablingo. They're cloners. Damn good ones too.

OB-EWAN: Are they friendly?

DROID: Depends on how well your manners are...and how big your pocketbook is.

DEX: DAMMIT! Why do you always have to show the whole world my own Waitress Droid knows more than me?

DROID: Hey, he needed the info.

DEX(dials a cell phone and listens, frowning.): Hey that special crack has gone down in price-half off.

OB-EWAN: Sorry but I got my fix at a sports bar on the other side of this sector.

DEX: Well can I be of ANY help to you?

OB-EWAN: Nope. Sorry.

DEX: But I'm your friend!

OB-EWAN: Things change. Allegiances shift. That is the way of things. The way of the Force.

CHARLIE AND UG FROM CRITTERS 4, AND YOGA: RIP-OFFS!

Whack

OB-EWAN: Damn little Muppet. Damn actors!

SC 19 INT-- SPACE FREIGHTER

R2 is pulling up to counter, gathering a few bowls of food

SERVING DROID: Hey, no droids!

R2: (ignoring the irony) Bwee-bap ke-plah!
(translation: Let's see... windex, hemloch, water of life, cyanide... you have any straight, go for the jugular poison?)

SERVING DROID: Poison? For what?

R2: We don't need no education. We don't need no thought control. (Translation: Oh, nothing. I'll just take the cynaide. Later.)

SERVING DROID: Hey!

R2 comes over to Manakin and Padme, giving them thier bowls of food

PATME: Thanks R2.

MANAKIN: Yeah, thanks.

R2: Minanananana. Hey Buck! (Translation: Thank me when you're a smouldering caracass and the woman is mine!)

MANAKIN: So, when do I get some?

PATME: Some what?

MANAKIN: Lovin'.

PATME: I'm sorry, was that on the itinerary?

MANAKIN: Yep, check your schedule.

PATME: (Pulls it out) Let's see... 8:30 brush hair, 10:00 begin freighter refugee government, 10:30 give to poor, then at 11:00 we're back to some serious hair-brushing and wait... here it is, 3:00, make mad, passionate, sweaty, skanky sex with Manakin Streetwalker.

MANAKIN: Yeah! (Grins ear to ear)

PATME: There's just one problem with this.

MANAKIN: (Taking off tunic) what?

PATME: It's in crayon, you moron! I didn't write this!

MANAKIN: What? I...damn! It was the droid, I swear!

PATME: Manakin, Manakin. It must difficult having sworn your life to the Jedi. Not being able to go to the place that you like...or do the things you like...

MANAKIN: Or direct a good skin flick.

PATME: Er... Anakin, I really think you ought to get those raging teenage hormones under control.

MANAKIN: Hey, look, I wasn't the one who stopped your handmaidens from coming. There would have been plenty of me to go around. Instead, you had to leave them behind. Sorry sister, but the bull stops for nobody. You're gonna have to make do as the harem of one.

PATME: Why you....I feel the incredible urge to slap you...and yet...am rediculously and ovulatingly intregued by your advances.

MANAKIN: Focus on the latter.

PATME: Mmmmm. Maybe I... no wait, it's gone. I shouldn't have done that.

MANAKIN: Damn!

PATME: No, wait, back again. Horny as hell.

MANAKIN: Great!

PATME: No, wait. Gone again. We'd be lying to ourselves.

MANAKIN: Could you just make up your blasted mind?

PATME: I only make up my mind on clothing half-off sales. Anyway, are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.

MANAKIN: Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life. But none of that matters, because I'm just in this for the booty.

PATME: Mmmm. Booty. Turn-on.

MANAKIN: Turn-on?

PATME: Yep. I- wait, impending urge to find someone better. Turn-off.

MANAKIN: This is really getting frustrating! (Takes a bite of his food).

PATME: Look, if you want me to explain myself, I'm sorry. I'm a woman. Like a man, but without the ration or accountability.

JACK NAPIER: RIP-OFFS!

MANAKIN: Is that as good as it gets?

JACK NAPIER: RIP-OFFS!

PATME: Pretty much. What's wrong?

MANAKIN: This food. Tastes wrong somehow. Like it's been poisoned.

PATME: Oh no! Another assassination attempt? Who could it be? That Bounty Hunter? That Serving Droid? Jar-Jar?

MANAKIN: I dunno. Doesn't matter though. Only cyanide. I've spent the last few years building up an immunity.

CARY EWWWWWWLESE: RIP-OFF!

R2: DRAT! FOILED AGAIN! (Translation: DRAT! FOILED AGAIN!)

SC 20 INT. BOARDWALKSCANT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-YET STILL DAY

Meanwhile in the Jedi Council...

YOGA: Eagerly I await Master Ob-Ewan's report.

WINDY: That m*f* Manakin better keep his -

YOGA: Went through this we have. For a different purpose,this post is.

WINDY: Oh- I..haven't seen Purp in a while, have you?

YOGA: Seen him I have not.

WINDY: We must unravel this mystery.

YOGA:Send out a search party, we must.
On alert Put all Republic personelle , set up a five system radius, we must!

Alarms go off

WINDY: We need Purp.

YOGA: If found he is not, all is lost.

WINDY: The search is underway.

YOGA: Good.

SC 21 INT. JEDI ARCHIVES BUILDING

THE COST OF NEW: You want to check out the Regis cluster? You still haven't checked in the Kirpoc nebula yet and it' 8 weeks overdue!

OB-EWAN: This is important! It could mean life or death!

THE COST OF NEW: That's what you said about the Hatmar sector, The Bridget Quandrant and the Kilroy system! You owe over 800,000 credits in late fees, and you keep charging it on your Sith Express. Where the hell did you get that anyway? (reference to TPM HV)

OB-EWAN: Jedi business. Look, anyway the planet I'm looking for isn't there and I need to take it to Yoga in the Temple of Doom to examine the data and find out what's going on!

THE COST OF NEW: Pay up.

OB-EWAN: I'm only carrying 20 credits.

THE COST OF NEW: BOYS!

Two large aliens grab OB-EWAN by the feet, turn him upside down and shake him. A pile of credits and gold fall to the floor. The aliens set him back on his feet.

OB-EWAN: I need all that!

THE COST OF NEW: Pay up.

OB-EWAN counts out 800,000 and gives the librarian the money, muttering.

Whack

THE COST OF NEW: I don't like muttering. Besides, your Regis Cluster system does not appear on our records. It must not exist.

OB-EWAN: But I trust the source!

THE COST OF NEW: There is no way that anything beyond what my narrow mind can perceive could be true. I think you dreampt up this "source".

OB-EWAN: I'm going to Master Yoga for a second opinion.

 

SC.22 INT-BURNS' MANORSCANT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-TRAINING ROOM-DAY

OB-EWAN comes out onto the training room and stops, watching TWENTY OR SO FOUR YEAR OLDS doing training exercises, supervised by YOGA.

BOY WHO SOUNDS LIKE LUKE SKYWALKER: But Master Yoga, with the blast shield down I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight?

YOGA: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.

OB-EWAN(quietly):Hmmm...

YOGA: Younglings, enough. A visitor, we have.

The children turn off their sabres and sit cross-legged in a circle.

YOGA: Meet the Bear Clan Mighty, Ewan-Ob sterMa.

OB-EWAN: You're worse.

YOGA: I ma?

OB-EWAN: You're doing that on purpose!

YOGA: Yadot Nawe-Bo ffo ssip s'tel! Ah-eey!

The kids laugh laugh hysterically.

OB-EWAN(cross): Yoga, I'm trying to find the Kablingo system, but it's not in the Jedi Archives. I have the section it's supposed to be in right here, in the Regis Cluster.

YOGA: Gnisarrabme woh...gnissarrabme woh. Sah Nawe-Bo Retsam, tenalp a tsol.

OB-EWAN: Is this payback for using your famous future death bed line earlier?

YOGA: More or less the "Damn Muppet" thing. Anyway, Liam, the shades. Alec, the candles. Harrison, the music. Now, Nawe-Bo, put your data ball on the reader.
OB-EWAN, puts it on.

YOGA: Now close your eyes and think of your happy place. Go to the center of your place and find Nawe-Bo's missing planet, we will.

OB-EWAN fumes.

JEDI CHILD MARK: Almost getting it...but not quite...I believe it's time for the Peace Pipe, Master.

YOGA: Ah, the peace pipe. Natalie, Jake, go get the Peace Pipe. Carrie, start the drums.

Soon Natalie and Jake carry the long, elaborate Peace Pipe and pass it to Mark.

Mark takes a long puff and blows smoke rings.

MARK: Someone has erased the Kablingo system from the archives, and the person who did it was...was...getting fuzzy...

Nat and Jake pass the Pipe back to Mark. He takes another puff.

MARK:...still not getting it...

He is allowed one more puff.

MARK: Uh..damn! I lost it.

YOGA: Ah, the mind of a child. Correct he is, Nawe-Bo. Erased your planet has been. Only a Jedi could have erased those files. Hey you two, give Uncle Yoga a puff. And get me my donuts and Surge. Whoo-hah! (It is Sage, by the way, not a drug).

He takes a puff, guzzles down his Surge and eats five Bavarian cream-filled donuts.

YOGA: HOOH-HA! Dark and mysterious this puzzle is! A wise Jedi once said, "Choose your friends wisely or they will steal your clothes and you will have to walk around naked."

OB-EWAN: What the hell?!

YOGA (Raises forefinger in air): Exactly. Uoy thiw eb Ecrof eht yam, Nawe-Bo!

EWAN: Lost your *******' mind, you have! Thanks for your help.
Last Edit: a few seconds ago by Anakin77
Love is sacrifice.

 

SC 23 EXT - NUHBOO - CITY OF TWEED - DAY

Public Transport, which looks basically like a BUS with JET ENGINES attached comes in to land at the TWEED SPACEPORT. We see PATME and MANIKIN walking up the steps of the THEED PALACE. ARTOO is behind them, struggling to get up the steps. MANIKIN carries two heavy suitcases, while PATME carries a small carryall.

PATME: I wasn't the youngest queen ever elected, but now that I look back on it, I don't think I was old enough. I'm not sure that I was ready.

MANAKIN: (muttering)I'm glad that you're not the queen anymore. I don't think I would be able to carry another suitcase filled with those stupid headresses.

PATME: (scowling slightly)What?

MANAKIN: Um, I said, it's a shame you're not queen anymore. The people you served thought you did a good job.

PATME: Well of course they did. I rescued them from the Trade Federation practically single handedly, armed with nothing more than a hairdryer.

MANAKIN: Hey, I was the one that blew up the Droid Control Ship!

PATME: (sarcastically)Oh whupdedoo for you. I already had the captured the Velcro of the Trade Federation. The battle was already over.

MANAKIN: Why I oughta...

GL: Hold it right there! In case you two didn't read the script, you don't get married until the end of the movie. So stop acting like a married couple and stick to your lines. Now let's take it from "The people you served..."

MANAKIN: (bored monotone)The people you served thought you did a good job. I heard they even tried to ammend the constitution so you could stay in office.

PATME: Actually, I was relieved when my two terms were up.

MANAKIN, PATME and ARTOO are magically transported halfway through the CASTLE GROUNDS, even though the conversation has gone no further.

PATME: But then the new queen asked me to serve as Senator, since Palpitatine had become Supreme Cameo. She wouldn't let me refuse.

MANAKIN: Well, I agree with her. The plot of this film needs you.

SC 24 INT - NUHBOO- TWEED- CASERTA PALACE - DAY

PATME: If the Senate votes to create an army, I am sure it will push us into a civil war, which will no doubt eventually lead to the formation of a Galactic Empire.

SOME BABBLER: It's unthinkable! There hasn't been a war since the formation of the Republic.

Uproar from the fans of the Extended Star Wars Universe in the AUDIENCE

EU FAN: But what about the Sith War? What about all the Tales of the Jedi comics?

Whack

GL: My movie, my rules, sit down and shut up.

QUEEN JAMTART: Do you see anyway through negotiations to bring the Seperatists back to the Republic?

PATME: Not if we want to make Episode Three, no. My guess is they'll turn to the Federation and the Commerce Guilds for help.

PICARD: They seek our help? Make it so, Number One.

SOME BABBLER: It's outrageous. After four trails at the Supreme Court, Newt Raygun is still the Velcro of the Trade Federation.

QUEEN JAMTART: We must keep our faith in the Republic. In the meantime, Patme, we must consider your safety.

SOME BABBLER: (looks at MANIKIN)What is your suggestion, Master Jedi?

PATME: Oh, Manakin isn't a Jedi yet, he's still a Paddleone Learner.

MANAKIN: Hold on a minute. You better recognize, girl.

PATME: (ignoring Manikin) I was thinking I would stay in the Lake Country. There are some places up there that are very isolated.

Whack

MANAKIN: I said you better recognize, girl. I'm in charge of security here.

Whack

PATME: This is my planet, my people, I think you had better take advantage of my knowledge in this instance, so YOU better recognize!

QUEEN JAMTART: I'll see you to your rooms.

 

SC 25 EXT--EMPTY SPACE (You don't get much more EXT than space)

Obi-Wan's Jedi starfighter (tm) pulls out of hyperspace and undocks the hyperdrive in a neat little merchandizing doohicky we're sure the kids will all love

OB-EWAN: There it is, Palpitatine's spy droid...

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Sorry, F-14. Where was I?

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Right, from the beginning. There it is F-14, Kablingo.

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: What? Oh wait you're right, It's over there (Pulls ship about in opposite direction).

Starfighter pulls down over Kamino, flying through the rainy weather

OBI-EWAN: Wow, lookit all that water! I'm getting a sudden surge of... inspiration! (Opens up glove compartment, pops in tape)

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Stop your pleading! I'm a FANTASTIC singer! Didn't you hear me when I was playing 'Space Truckin' all the way over here?(Music begins to play, and OB-EWAN sings along, actually horribly off key) LIKE A BRIDGE....OVER....TROUBLED WATER.... I WILL EASE YOUR MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND.....

Droid twitters louder and louder

OB-EWAN: That's not what Nicole said!

Cockpit starts to fill with gas

OB-EWAN: Hey, what's going on? F-14, is this Carbon-Monoxide? Are you trying to kill me again.

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Tsk, tsk. Silly droid. Killing's for Sith!

Droid twitters (Translation: Not for long, if you keep singing)

Starfighter docks, OB-EWAN leaps out

OB-EWAN: Now sit tight out here in the rain and rust while I go find someplace dry for a day or so.

Starfighter blasters shoot at OBI-EWAN, narrowly missing him

OB-WAN: F-14...

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Hahaha, silly rambunctious droid (enters city. Looks around to see a very tall elongated alien walking towards him.)

OB-EWAN: (Freaks out) AH! What the ---- is THAT? (Runs back, hits face onto closed doors).

ALIEN: Welcome MAster Obi-Ewan, welcome to Tapioca Pudding. I am No We.

OB-EWAN: (Stops trying to get away) What? Welcome where?

NO WE: Tapioca Pudding.

OB-EWAN: That's a food, not a place.

NO WE: (Insistantly) It can do both!

OB-EWAN: Ok, whatever. Wait, how do you know my name?

NO WE: We've been waiting for you a long time. We were beginning to think you wouldn't come.

OB-EWAN: You're telling me. Hey, what's up with your face?

NO WE: That's not a very polite question.

OB-EWAN: I'm scottish, we're not very polite people.

NO WE: If you must know, it's a cross between a Stormtrooper and a seal.

OB-EWAN: Hm... Something about that name gives me the chills... as if it's going to somehow come back to haunt me....seal, brrrr!

NO WE: This way please.

INT - TAPIOCA PUDDING

NO WE leads OB-EWAN towards the RING MASTER MINISTER'S chambers.

NO WE: May I present Lima-Bean Soup? Ring Master Minister of Kablingo. Ring Master Minister, this is Master Jedi Ob-Ewan McNobi.

LIMA-BEAN: I trust you're going to enjoy your stay? Would you like some Tapioca Pudding?

OB-EWAN: Uh... no thanks.

LIMA-BEAN gestures to an empty chair

LIMA-BEAN: Please. (OB-EWAN sits.) And now, to business. You will be delighted to hear that we are (pauses) on schedule.

OB-EWAN: Oh? Um... erm... that's... um... cool.

LIMA-BEAN: Two hundred thousand units are ready. With a million more on the way.

OB-EWAN: Oh.. that's really good to know.

LIMA-BEAN: Please tell your Master Sid-Vicious, that his order will be met (pause) on time.

OB-EWAN: I'm sorry... Master who?

LIMA-BEAN: Jedi Master Sid-Vicious is still a leading member of the Jedi Council, is he not?

OB-EWAN: Sid Vicious killed himself in 1979, I have no idea what you are talking about.

LIMA-BEAN: He did? Hmmm.

LIMA-BEAN sits looking confused. After a moment, NO WE walks up and whispers in his ear. He sits up, a look of realisation on his face.

LIMA-BEAN: My mistake. Scratch that. Tell your Master Sofa-Dofa, that his order will be met on time.

OB-EWAN: Oh, Master Sofa-Dofa. He was killed almost ten years ago. Tragic really. A Bothan sat on him and he suffocated to death.

LIMA-BEAN: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm sure he would have been proud of the circus we've built for him.

OB-EWAN: (suddenly perking up) Circus?

LIMA-BEAN: Yes. A clone circus. And I must say, one of the finest we've ever created.

OB-EWAN: (sounding hopeful) Tell me, Ring Master Minister. When my Master first contacted you about the circus.. did he say who it was for?

LIMA-BEAN: Of course he did. This circus is for the Republic. But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself.

OB-EWAN: Hell, yes. Just try and stop me! The only question is, where do I buy peanuts??

SC 26 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-WATER SPEEDER- LANDING PLATFORM-LATE AFTERNOON

A water speeder driven py PATTY CAKE, the retreat caretaker, docks at the island landing platform. MANAKIN and PATME disembark at the base of a beautiful island in the middle of a lake..whew!

SC 27 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-LODGE-GARDEN TERRACE-LATE AFTERNOON

MANAKIN an PADME walk up some stairs, and stop at the balustrade, whatever that is. PATME looks at the wonderful scenery.

PATME:When I was in Level Three, we used to come here for school retreat. See that island-HEY my face is UP HERE, Manakin!

MANAKIN: I was just reading what it says on your shirt, M'lady. 'Babe In Total Control of Herself'. Very clever. Why aren't you wearing a beautiful dress?

PATME: DO YOU THINK I WANTED PEOPLE ON THAT TRANSPORT TO KNOW I WAS ROYALTY?!

MANAKIN: But it's been hours since you got off the transport!

PATME: Flowig dresses that expose my entire back and long brown hooded robes just aren't my style.

SC 28 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-LODGE-GARDEN TERRACE-LATE AFTERNOON

PATME: Are you going to use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me ?

MANAKIN: They only work on people whose minds is like puddy, ready to be molded into any thing I desire. I don't need mind tricks to make you love me..only money!

PATME: You're suck a dork ! No wonder you cant get any! Well at lest R-Jelly don?t think the way ....

MANAKIN: ( Looking at her with a frown ): Wait a minute...whose R-Jelly ?

PATME: ( gazing at the sky with a goofy grin ) : Oh,... you don?t know him, he?s a RnB superstar singer, wrote the song space jam.. I was twelve. We was both at the Grammys together, he was...uhhhh a few years older than I... very cute, nasty, braids in his hair, he had a-

MANAKIN: ( cutting her off ) : Alright ! Alright !, I get the picture...whatever happened to him ?

PATME: ( looking off into space ) : Uhhhhhhhhh, there was some charges against him, something about kiddie Porn and movies he was into, but I went off to become a queen and he went off to...uhhhhhh, become a...inmate.

MANAKIN: Maybe he was the smart one.

PATME: You really don?t like singers...or politicians for that matter, do you ?

MANAKIN : I like two or three...well up to and not including some of my fellows Jedi whose running for office on the D.L., but the system sucks, and the low life scum sucking citizens are suffering because of it.

PATME : I'm afraid to ask you how would you have it work !

MANAKIN : Easy ! We tell these punk a** politicians, la rasa, Essay, you know what's gonna happen when we come through ! You either gonna git down, or you gonna lay down !believe me baby, they know what time it is when the N.J.O. come up in here !

PATME : (looking bored ) : Oh, really ?

MANAKIN ( getting excited ) : Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, but check this out though, say you get a politician, right ?...and he feeling brave all of a sudden. Y'know starts actin like hes Carl Bonson or something, You take the back of your brightsabre and bash it through his nose pushing it up to his brain ! Then you try to design a punch to make his liver bleed..
Believe me , after that, he'll let you know whether he wears ladies underwear.

PATME SIMPLE SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISGUST AS MANAKIN CONTINUES

MANAKIN (big smile on his face ): Remember baby, when they're just layin there..on the floor...with blood coming out of their eye sockets...and they're going... ?please, Mani, please....? my reply would be.. ?Hey ! You should have thought about that... before you spilt Palpitatine?s drink !? Hahahaha

PATME : You ruthless thug ! Thats not how its supposed to go ! Everyone has a right to disagree !

MANAKIN : No one has the right to do anything but obey the laws that was set up by our Republic !

PATME : Thats crazy, and if they don't obey ?

MANAKIN ( Getting pissed off ) : Then we are authorized by the executive order of our beloved leader, to use any and all means to make these a******s see the light and the glory of the Lord !

PATME : That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.

MANAKIN ( flashing a mischievous little grin ) : Naw baby, its really a great democracy...you just don't know it !

PATME : You're makin fun of me.

MANAKIN ( sarcastic with a wide grin ) : I'm makin love to you, theres a difference !

PATME : I don't think so ! For one thing , you're a kid to me. For another you're not even on my social level. My friends would think I was a trashy ho, for sleeping with you.

MANAKIN ( Laughing ) : They already think that ! So why not just be yourself...

PATME PICKS UP A PIECE OF FRUIT AND THROWS IT AT HIM. THE FRUIT HITS HIM IN THE HEAD.
THEY GET INTO A FRUIT FIGHT


SC 29 INT-NUHBOO- LAKE RETREAT, DINING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

BAMBI PLACES DESSERT IN FROM OF PATME AND MANAKIN. THE DESSERT IS A COCONUT CUSTARD PIE FOR PATME AND A LOW FAT CHOCOLATE DONUT FOR MANAKIN , WHO LOOKS AT HIS PLATE WITH A LARGE FROWN

PATME ( trying to eat her pie ) : What's wrong with you ?

MANAKIN ( picking up the donut that looks stale ) : what do you think ? Look at my dessert and look at yours.

PATME ( smiling ) : Manakin, When we was back on Consonant, Ob-Ewan told me that you were on a strict Jedi diet, so I figured that...

MANAKIN ( looking at her with a frown ) : Wait a minute ! When you and my master went into your bedchambers, all that you and him talked about was my diet ?!

PATME : Yeah, that and also about your trainin and how you progressed, that's all...

MANAKIN: ( pissed off ) : That's all ? You was alone with him in your bedchambers for 2 hours, what the hell kind of training takes two hours to talk about ?! You couldn't have thought that it takes two hours to say that all I like to eat is low fat stale a** chocolate donuts ?!

PATME: manakin, you?re over reacting, there's nothing going on between Ob-Ewan and I, okay ? So take a chill pill...


SPLAT !!!


SC 30 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT, LODGE, FIREPLACE ALCOVE - TWILIGHT

A FIRE BLAZES IN THE OPEN HEARTH. PATME IS SITTING IN FRONT OF IT WITH A MEAN LOOK ON HER FACE. MANAKIN IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER WITH A RATHER DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE, WITH SWEAT RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.

MANAKIN ( looking sad and pitiful ) : Listen, Patme....I'm really sorry for using the force to smash the pie in your face...I...dont know what came over me. Uhhhh can, I...tell you something.

PATME REMAINS SILENT WITH ANGER IN HER FACE

MANAKIN ( looking more pitiful and sad ) : can I tell you something ?

PATME REMAINS SILENT WITH ANGER IN HER FACE

MANAKIN ( looking down ) : alright I will ask you something.

PATME ( still not giving eye contact ) : Manakin..don't even try it !

SUDDENLY THREE MEN DRESSED IN BLACK TUXEDOS COMES FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN AND BEGINS TO DO A TWO STEP DANCE LIKE THE SINGING GROUP , THE ALLUREMENTATIONS. SINGING BACKGROUND VOCALS PARALLEL TO MANAKIN?S WORDS AS SOFT LOVE MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND

MANAKIN ( getting down on one knee, looking at Patme ) : From the moment I first met you baby..all those years ago,

SINGER #1 ( singing ) : The moment I first met yooooooou

MANAKIN : a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you,...

SINGER#1 (singing ) : Well, well, well...

MANAKIN : And now... now that I'm close to you again...I'm in agony, baby !

ALL THREE SINGERS ( singing, while doing the two step dance ) : He'ssss in aaaa gooo nyyyyy !

MANAKIN : The closer I get to you, the worse it gets.... you know all my friends used to tell me, Manakin...why you such a fool... but you know what I tell them...

SUDDENLY MANAKIN JUMPS UP AND JOINS THE THREE SINGERS AS THEY ALL SING IN HARMONY

MANAKIN / THREE SINGERS ( singing ) : That I... am a fooool for your Looooove !

MANAKIN JUMPS BACK DOWN TO ONE KNEE LOOKING BACK AT PATME

MANAKIN ( talking again ) :You know, baby ? I?m haunted by the kiss, you never gave me.

SINGER #2 ( singing ) : You should haaave..... done it... girlllllll !

MANAKIN : My heart is beating, hoping that the lack of a kiss will not become a deep knife wound to my back with you twisting it deeper, laughing at me as you do it .

ALL THREE SINGERS ( singing ) : Murderer !

MANAKIN : You are the stuff men would sell their souls for.....

SINGER #3 ( singing ) : To the devvvvil...Luuuuuciferrr

MANAKIN : You are tormenting me....what can I do, baby ?......I?ll do anything that you ask, just...just...

MANAKIN SUDDENLY JUMPS BACKS UP AND REJOINS THE GROUP

MANAKIN / THREE SINGERS ( singing ) : Give me your love, DARLIN!

Give me your life, DARLIN!
GIVE me your heart, DARLIN,Or this heart of mine will die alone!

PATME: I will NOT give into this!

MANAKIN: We could keep it a secret.

A smile creeps over Patme's face.

PATME: Yeah, but no, we'd be living a lie. Could you live like that, Manakin?

MANAKIN: No, it would destroy us.

GHOSTS OF ROMEO AND JULIET: Yep, don't we know it!


SC 31 INT. KABLINGO-TAPIOCA PUDDING-CLONING FACILITY:

A WHOLE MESS OF test tube babies are in a HUGE mechanism, and below, Clones are in various stages of growth and development.

LIMA-BEAN SOUP: Would you like a steaming bowl of Lima Bean Soup as I give you a tour of this cloning facility, Ob-Ewan McNobi?

OB-EWAN: Um, no thanks.....

LIMA: Clones can think creatively. You'll find they are vastly superior to droids. They take any order without question.

OB-EWAN: What if they receive conflicting orders?

LIMA: Hasn't happened yet. Our growth acceleration programs help them to be grown in a matter of a few years, otherwise they would take a lifetime to grow.
Aside from his pay, which is considerable, their original host only demanded one thing: A single, unaltered clone for himself. No growth acceleration, and no docility to make him lass independent. Curious isn't it.?

OB-EWAN: Who is the original Host?

LIMA: A Bounty Hunter named Mango Fett.

OB-EWAN: Where is this bounty hunter?

LIMA: Oh, we keep him here.

OB-EWAN: I would very much like to meet him.

LIMA: That can be arranged.

OB-EWAN: Hey, I got another question.

LIMA BEAN SOUP: Go ahead.

OB-EWAN: Okay, here goes: In the Heir to the Empire trilogy, wasn't it established that if you accelerate the aging process of a clone, that it would become mentally unstable? Therefore aren't all these clone troopers a little EI?

LIMA-BEAN SOUP: We Kablingoans make it a point to avoid the EU. It's confusing, sparks heated debate and raises too many questions. But yes, they are a little cuckoo. They like to...act out, act weird, goof off, clown around. Their father is worried about them. And about Bubba, his son.

OB-EWAN: I thought you said they were superior!

LIMA BEAN SOUP: Oh they can fight. But their social behavior is...strange.

OB-EWAN: But if they are like that, and they are clones of Mango...

NO WE: It's a long story. You saw their circus so you know what I'm talking about.

OB-EWAN: Personally, I woudn't want an-

Suddenly, a group of various aliens are emerging from the darkness.

ALIEN # 1: Hey, we're looking for a chap named Purp. He disappeared one day and no one can find him. He was an esteemed Jedi Master and no one has any idea what he looks like.

ALIEN # 2 (hands OB-EWAN a slip of paper): If you ever see him, give us a subspace call, wouldja?

ALIEN # 1: Thank you so much.

They all walk away.

OB-EWAN: Well, I must be going. I'll give the council your message.

SC 32 INT. TAPIOCA PUDDING CITY, CLONE CENTER, COMMISSARY - DAY

LIMA BEAN CONDUCTS OB-EWAN THROUGH A LARGE EATING AREA, NO WE FOLLOWS AS THE CLONES GET INTO A MASSIVE FOOD FIGHT.

SC 33 EXT. TAPIOCA PUDDING CITY, PARADE GROUNDS ( RAINSTORM ) - DAY

NO WE ( Very excited ) : Magnificent, aren't they ?

OB-EWAN NODS SLOWLY

Down below, Clones are fetching their helmets, putting them on, and marching in formation.

NO WE walks up to OB-EWAN and LIMA BEAN SOUP.

NO WE: I will take you to see Mango.

SC 34 INT. KABLINGO- STATIC CLEAN HALLWAY-MANGO'S QUARTERS

NO WE: Bubba, is your father home?

BUBBA: Dad, No We's here!

Out of the bedroom comes a man in a white terrycloth robe, barefoot, his hair wet from a recent shower.

OB-EWAN: You must be proud of your clones, they are impressive, a bit loony, but impressive.

MANGO: I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.

OB-EWAN: Ever made it as far into the interior as Cormoneyscant?

MANGO: I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.

OB-EWAN: Recently? Hey what's that in your closet?

MANGO(In Pacific Islander Tongue): Hey Bubba, what did I tell you about leaving that *******' closet door open! (To OB-EWAN): I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.

BUBBA goes to close the closet door, and closes it.

OB-EWAN: Good day. (He leaves).

SC 35 EXT. KABLINGO-OPEN DOOR JUST OUTSIDE OF FACILITY

LIMA BEAN SOUP: Tell your Council the first battalions are ready and remind them that if they need more troops it will take more time to grow them.

NO WE: Thank you Are you sure you don't want any Tapioca pudding for your long journey home?

OB-EWAN: No thanks.

SC 36 EXT. TAPIOCA CITY-LANDING PLATFORM

OB-EWAN races to his fighter. He calls out to his F-14 unit.

The unit beeps.

OB-EWAN: Scrambled eggs 2, care of the geriatric ward. Hurry!

A little RADAR dish pops up, and begins transmitting a message.

SC 37 INT. BIGRICHFATCATSUSCANT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-MEDITATION CHAMBER-EVENING

A holgram of OB-EWAN is live before YOGA AND MACE WINDY.

These cloners are using a bounty hunter named Mango Fett to create a clone army. They claim Jedi-Master Sofa-Dofa put it an order for them almost 10 years ago. I was under the impression he was killed before that?

WINDY: They had no authorization from us. Bring the bounty hunter here.

YOGA: Question him, we will.

OB-EWAN: On a one man fighter?

WINDY: Put a space suit on him and tie him to the hood.

OB-EWAN: (rolls eyes) Yes, Master.

SC 38 INT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT

MANAKIN moves restlessly in his sleep.

MANAKIN: Oh, Patme. Ohh, yes. Patme...wait...what?s that...your not Patme! You?re...uuuggh!...a man in a green and red sweater with knives on your fingers!.. must run. Must run, must run. Must stop and buy ice-cream...5 credits for a Good Humor bar! That?s robbery! Must run...must run...MICHAEL JACKSON! GAA! Must run faster! Is that...is that MOM? She?s... no, NO, NO! Patme? Is it really you? Let me fondle you and kiss you...WAIT! You?re Richard Simmons! AHHHHHHGH! MOM...NO! No I don?t believe you. You?re not Patme.......you are? Well prove it....WOAH! But Mom.........


SC 39 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-LODGE-BALCONY

PATME walks in on MANAKIN while he is meditating.

MANAKIN: Je*** ******! Don?t you ever KNOCK?! Now I need to start ALL over again! What a way to spoil my concentration!

PATME: You had a nightmare last night.

MANAKIN: Jedi don't have nightmares.

PATME: I heard you. And I could also here you snore. From two rooms down the hall.

MANAKIN: Jedi don't snore, either.

PATME: You're lying.

MANAKIN (smiling): Jedi don't lie.

PATME(smiling back): You're full of ****, you know that?

MANAKIN (laughs): If I tell you about my dream, will you get out of here?

PATME(leans close): No. You know...over the past few days, I... (she kisses him passionately.).

MANAKIN (Suddenly pulls away): I saw a city in the clouds. Friends I have there. I must go to them! I gotta help them. I know that if I go now, help them I could, but I would destroy all for which they have fought and suffered.

PATME: Whadda?

MANAKIN: My mother's in pain. I have to go to Patootie, to save Mom. I have no choice.

 

PATME: I'll go with you. That way you'll still be protecting me and you won't be disobeying your mandate.

MANAKIN (not serious): What about Master Ob-Ewan?

They look at each other and burst out laughing. They kiss and fall to the floor.

PATME: It's getting hot in here. May I take-

GL: NEXT SCENE PLEASE!

SC 40 EXT. TAPIOCA PUDDING-KABLINGO LANDING PLATFORM (RAINSTORM)-DAY (how anyone can tell whether it's day or night I can't explain)

MANGO FETT's ship, AMISTAD I, rests on the landing platform. MANGO and BUBBA FETT are preparing to board. MANGO is holding a red, yellow, blue, green, and purple umbrella over him and his son. OB-EWAN rushes through the tower door and towards the ship.

BUBBA: Dad! Look! He's getting all wet!

MANGO(tossing OB-EWAN a second umbrella): Bubba! Get aboard!

The BOUNTY HUNTER rockets onto the top of a nearby tower. MANGO fires down at OB-EWAN, who is shielded by the umbrella.
OB-EWAN launches a neuro-net from the tip of his umbrella, which MANGO dodges.
OB-EWAN then rapid-fires several stun-rays, all of which miss MANGO.
Inside the cockpit of AMISTAD I, BUBBA brings the weapons systems on-line. He pushes a button.

FEMALE VOICE: Nuclear missile armed.

BUBBA(panicks): Oh no, oh no, oh no! (presses another button).

FEMALE VOICE: Action canceled.

BUBBA: Whew! I picked a helluva day to stop drinking.

He shoots a volley of destructive bolts OB-EWAN's way, which completely miss him.

BUBBA: Father says I need to work on my aim.

Meanwhile, MANGO drops down from the tower and bunts OB-EWAN with his open umbrella. Then he spins and high-kicks the winded OB-EWAN in the face.OB-EWAN drops to the ground. Just as MANGO is about to press the self closing button on his umbrella to make it into an effective spear, the wind catches it and he is carried away. Just then he notices a leak in his armor. Closing his umbrella he falls ten feet to the surface right on his face. He starts crying. OB-EWAN comes over.

OB-EWAN: There, there. Why are you crying?

MANGO: I got hurt and water is getting into my suit. And come to think of it I deserve a pay raise! Training those little twerps takes a lot out of a man. Money puts it all back in, but there are still holes in me. Voids that cannot be filled. I'm a very unhappy man.

OB-EWAN: Well, when I'm down on money and down on luck, the rain makes me happy again. (get up, does a little tapdance.) I'm happy, in the rain.

MANGO: But the rain depresses me, (gets up) but I'm beginning to see your point of view. Why be depressed and down, when you can be happy?

OB-EWAN:When I'm unhappy and soaked, I cheer up really quick. And sing. Sing in the rain.

Music starts up

OB-EWAN(begins to sing): I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again.

MANGO: Oh, I get it. Singing in the rain makes you feel good alll over again! (joins in) I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again.

They both start singing together, dancing, their arms around eachother's shoulders.
They get on top of a waterlogged couch and it falls over backward, and they jump off onto the platform.

We're laughing at clouds.
So dark , up above ,
The sun's in my heart
And we're ready for love.

Let the stromy clouds chase.
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
Have a smile on your face
We'll walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
And singin'
Just singin' in the rain

We're dancin' and singin' in the rain.

During the interlude they both do impressive tap dances. BUBBA watches, munching on popcorn.

We're singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling
We're happy again.

We're singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain

We're dancin' and singin' in the rain.

In the cockpit, BUBBA applauds, though no one can hear him

MANGO: Thanks. Now I'm happy enough to kick you a**!

OB-EWAN: Glad to have helped. Now where's my brightsabre?

MANGO: Got it right here! (throws it behind him.)

OB-EWAN runs after it, and reaches out to force-grab it. A wire wraps around his wrist. MANGO rockets off, dragging OB-EWAN across the surface of the platform.
As OB-EWAN is being dragged across the platform he runs into some columns, bounces off them, and for some reason heads toward a patch of rosebushes that are flooded and dead. He goes through them, coming out bleeding and with his robe torn, then he crashes into a pile of broken beer bottles, cactuses, and a piranha tank. Finally, OB-EWAN gets caught on barbed wire and MANGO crashes to the ground. MANGO's rocket pack breaks free from his back and explodes.

Losing all his common sense to rage, OB-EWAN charges MANGO and knocks him over the side. OB-EWAN realizes, too late, that he's still connected to the bounty hunter.

OB-EWAN: Oh, crap.

Locked together, OB-EWAN and MANGO FETT slide down toward the raging ocean.

MANGO: Go go gadget forearm claws!

MANGO digs his forearm claws into the surface. OB-EWAN slides past him, cursing like a m*f*, and falls over the edge, still attached to the wire. Finally MANGO ejects the wire from his wrist. OB-EWAN continues his fall toward the ocean.

OB-EWAN uses the Force in an attempt to wrap the wire around a pole. He misses and falls into the ocean with a great splash. A few seconds later, OB-EWAN surfaces amongst the crashing waves.

OB-EWAN: Blast, this is why I hate falling!

The AUDIENCE looks on in puzzlement.

OB-EWAN: Well, I do!

OB-EWAN pulls a grappling hook from his utility belt and tosses it up to a pole, then climbs up to a SMALL SERVICE PLATFORM. When MANGO looks down, the JEDI has disappeared. MANGO uses his forearm claws to climb back to the landing platform--

The Landing Platform: Hey, how come the small service platform gets its name in all-caps and I don't?

GL: rolleyes.gif

--and runs toward his ship.

INSIDE THE COCKPIT--

The Landing Platform: The ******** cockpit gets its name in all-caps too??

GEORGE LUCAS: ST*U!

BUBBA FETT settles into the pilot's seat. He punches buttons. The engines ROAR.

OB-EWAN comes running out onto the landing platform--

The Landing Platform: I quit.

OB-EWAN plunges toward the ocean once more as the landing platform winks out of existence. Fortunately, the SMALL SERVICE PLATFORM is there to save him. As he falls, he pulls a homing device from his utility belt and throws it onto the departing AMISTAD I's hull.

BATMAN: Hey, enough with the utility belts, you wannabes!

OB-EWAN: Why do I get the feeling we've picked up yet another pathetic lifeform?

BATMAN: Pathetic? Why I oughta...

OB-EWAN: Did you see how much Batman and Robin made?

BATMAN hangs his head in shame as he departs the HUMOROUS VERSION.

 

SC 41 INT- A DARK MYSTERIOUS BUILDING SOMEWHERE ON CORONUT

Dressed in his evil black robes (and seemingly ignorant of a long strip of toilet paper that's been stuck to his foot for hours), a Dark Lord stands waiting outside a door.
He waits.
And waits.
And waits.
He ROCKS gently on his heels.
He waits.
And waits.
He bounces a few times, makes a whimpering noise.
And waits.
He looks around impatiently.
He bounces again, grabbing his crotchable area, bouncing harder and harder.
Finally, he BANGS on the door.

DARK LORD: By the Sloth, man!!! Did you fall in!?!?!?!!?!?!

The SOUND of a TOILET flushing.

The door opens. Another DARK LORD steps out.

DARK LORD 2: Sorry man, didn't mean to--

DARK LORD 1 rushes past him and slams the door.

DARK LORD 2: ... take so long...

A SCREAM from inside the bathroom.

DARK LORD 1: By the Sloth, FLUSH NEXT TIME!!!!!

SC 42 EXT. SPACE

The NuhBoo Starship heads toward the desert planet of Patootie

SC 43 EXT. PATOOTIE

The NuhBoo Ship heads for a large paved parking lot of ships on the outskirts of Mos Espa. Every spot is taken except for a handicapped spot near the front.

SC 44 INT. SHIP

PATME opens a hidden panel and pulls out two sets of crutches.

PATME: Use these. If you let on that you don't need them, we'll get a BIG ticket.

MANAKIN and PATME ride a ripsaw through the streets. MANAKIN stares at sights he hasn't seen in years, including all the homeless and starving people begging for money. One of them recognizes MANAKIN.

LARRY: MANAKIN! You used to be so generous. Please help an old man.

MANAKIN: You always spent the wupiupi I gave you on death sticks and Romulan ale! But still, I have sympathy. (Reaches into his pocket) Here's twenty Republic Dactaries. (Winks at PATME)

LARRY: Republic credits? Halleluja! They used to be worthless out here but now they're worth ten times what they're worth on Courseyoucan't!

MANAKIN: DAMMIT! That's all I had with me!

Finally, they come to PLATTO's Junk Shop, which has turned into a large franchise, with stores in Most Easy, Mos Kleisley, Mos Despa, Mos Vespa, and many other locations throughout Patootie's most densely populated regions.

MANAKIN(To the droid driver): Wait please.

MANAKIN and PATME get down, but stop dancing when they start getting strange looks. Sitting on a stool in front of the shop is PLATTO, talking to a similar looking creature that resembles a Muppet.

PLATTO(to GONZO): Chubba da wanga no chubba ni chubba nang da wanga. Di wanga wana.

GONZO: Chuba pudu! Die wana wango da wanga! Bo shuda!

MANAKIN: Chut, chut, Platto. Let me help you with that.

MANAKIN takes a part from PLATTO's hands and changes it into a hyperdrive motivator.

PLATTO looks at him.

PLATTO: Heh, Mani, ya sure have grown. What are you doing wearing Jedi robes? Ya think I'm stupid or something? You're too weak and stupid to be a Jedi. You're probably the laughing stock of the Order! What, did you impregnate all the female Jedi? Oh, there's probably plenty of Manakin to go around! You probably-WHOA! (recoils from MANAKIN's ignited sabre, which is at his throat.)

MANAKIN:SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I took enough of this **** when I was your ******* slave! Now where's my mother?

GONZO makes a discreet exit.

PLATTO: Oh, uh, well, you see, I...sold her, yeah, I sold her and the guy set her free and-and married her, yeah, set her free and married her. Yeah, that's it.

MANAKIN: Where are they?

PLATTO: On the other side of Most Easy, I think.

MANAKIN: Let me see your records.

PLATTO: Well now, that's not-

MANAKIN moves in closer, the blade centimeters from his throat.

MANAKIN: LET ME SEE YOUR RECORDS!

PLATTO: What I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, was well now, that's not a problem. Let's go look in my records. Or would you rather just stand out here and yell at poor Platto all day? Sheesh, teenagers these days, no respect for their elders. Especially you damn Jedi paddleones. Think you own the universe or something. Why when I was a kid--

Whack

MANAKIN and PLATTO go into the shop.

SC 45 EXT. SPACE AROUND GENESIS

The red planet of GENESIS is circled by a large asteroid field that forms rings like Saturn or Uranus, though GENESIS is clearly modeled after Mars. MANGO FETT's ship comes out of Hyperspace, and heads toward it. OB-EWAN's STARFIGHTER, now with force power (force power is optional), attached to a Hyperspace transport ring, appears in space. The starfighter disengages from the ring and follows MANGO's ship.

SC 46 INT. COCKPIT-AMISTAD I

MANGO FETT grins at BUBBA FETT.

MANGO: Almost there, just about 10,000 miles to go. At our speed, that will take about ten minutes.

BUBBA: Which means we're going about 2,400 miles a minute, which is about 144,000 miles per hour and 40 miles per second.

MANGO: Ah, truly wonderful is the mind of a child. Correct you are, Bubba.

Whack

MANGO: Ow! Who hit me?!

BUBBA: DAD! LOOK! Someone's on our radar! He's tracking us.

MANGO: Not this ship, sister.

BUBBA: Sister? Anyway, we'd better lose him before he drags us both into another singing number!

MANGO: Blast! This is why I hate flying! We'll move into the asteroid field.

BUBBA: You're not actually going into an asteroid field?

MANGO: He'd be crazy to follow us.

The ship moves into the asteroid field.

SC 47 INT. COCKPIT-JEDI STARFIGHTER

OB-EWAN: There is no way I am going in there. I'll have to go around and catch him on the other- hey, F-14, what the HELL are you DOING?!

The starfighter shoots into the asteroid field, and OB-EWAN barely manages to regain control.

F-14: Beep fiddle deep!

OB-EWAN: Blast! This is why I hate astro-pops.

A huge asteroid barrels toward the ship but is knocked aside by a much larger asteroid with a hole in the middle, which OB-EWAN flies through.

GHOST OF LI-GON: There's always a bigger asteroid. Ha! Beat ya to it!

OB-EWAN: There's always a bigger ego.

GHOST OF LI-GON: Damn!

LI-GON's ghost disappears and there is a grin of pure satisfaction on OB-EWAN's face.

BUBBA sees OB-EWAN on the screen.

BUBBA: Look, Dad! He's following us!

MANGO: This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart.

BUBBA: Sweetheart??

AMISTAD I releases a charge which drifts toward OB-EWAN. As the charge approaches the Starfighter, ARFOUR beeps.

OB-EWAN: Sonic charges... stand by.

The charge detonates, emitting a sound of unspeakable horror.

My loneliness is killing me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

OB-EWAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OB-EWAN grits his teeth but continues to fly through the asteroid field. AMISTAD I releases another sonic charge.

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
with or without you

OB-EWAN: ARRRRGGGH!

OB-EWAN's Starfighter begins to swerve wildly, but somehow still manages to follow AMISTAD I.

MANGO: ...tearin' up my heart and soul--

BUBBA: Dad!

MANGO: What, son? It's a catchy song.

MANGO's s ship narrowly avoids a large asteroid.

BUBBA: Someday you're going to be wrong and I just hope I live to see it.

OB-EWAN's ship dives in front of theirs

OB-EWAN: Oops. Whoah! Is that a purple cow grazing on that grassy asteroid over there??

F-14: Beepadabeep. (Translation: Impossible!)

OB-EWAN: Well, if sound waves can travel through space, I suppose anything can happen.

MANGO's ship starts firing rapid-fire lasers at OB-EWAN, who dodges them either because
a) He's a Jedi and can sense where they'll hit.
b) His ship can move faster than light to dodge lasers at sublight speeds
c) MANGO has REALLY bad aim or
d) This is a movie and GL knows that it's impossible to dodge laser beams because they'd hit you by the time the light from the gun even traveled to your eyes but he also knows that if the lasers are barely visible, it would look like nothing came out of the gun and they are playing laser tag.

BUBBA: YEEAH! GET'EM DAD! FIRE!

MANGO(stops shooting at the other ship and panicks.): FIRE? WHERE, SON, WHERE IS THE FIRE?!

BUBBA: HE'S GETTING AWAY!
DAD!
DAD!
Oh, well. (He takes the controls).

MANGO: HEY! THERE'S NO FIRE! YOU TRICKED ME! You little SNOT!

BUBBA reactivates the lasers and scores a direct hit on the starfighter. It tumbles, crashes into an asteroid and explodes.

MANGO: Good job, son.



SC 48 INT.CORROSIVE- TEMPLE OF DOOM--NIGHT

KI-ADI MONEY MONEY: This water is contaminated.

YOGA: Tastes fine, it does to me. *sigh* Put it with all the other ones.

KI-ADI falls over, dead.

MACE WINDY: KI! NOOOO!

In the shadows, a figure waits.

YOGA: I sense something. Shhhh.

Suddenly, the lights go out.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A glow stick comes on, held by YOGA. The tension mounts as, by the meager light, he discovers half of the Jedi Council members with slit throats. Suddenly, two SITH LORDS, who just came from the bathroom, attack, sabres flashing! Every one of the five remaining Jedi take them on they duck, jump, parry, thrust, sweep and flip. YOGA popping sugar pills and washing them down with Surge the whole time. ADI GALLA is run through. The four remaining Jedi are back to back, trying to stave off these two assassins. YOGA takes the arm off of one, but the Dark Lord's arm regenerates! One of YOGA's ears is sliced off as another Jedi Master is slain behind him, leaving only one Jedi to guard his back. YOGA's stamina is strong. Willing himself to ignore the pain, he runs the Dark Lord through and at the same instant is decapitated by the other Dark Lord who has already finished off the two remaining Masters.

SC 49 EXT. PATOOTIE, JUNDLAND WASTES

MANAKIN and PATME are riding a speeder through the desert. PATME is driving while MANAKIN scans the horizon with macrobinoculars.

MANAKIN: Something's not right...DAMN! Banthas! I sense them!

PATME: I smell them.

MANAKIN: I have a cold, okay?

SUDDENLY they are surrounded by Sandpoopies. PATME draws her blaster, MANAKIN his brightsabre. PATME is a dead aim and MANAKIN first kills a Bantha and then starts hacking Tuskens to pieces. Five surround his and he takes them out with one circular sweep. They overwhelm PATME and carry her off. MANAKIN chases the procession, but the Banthas are too fast.

MANAKIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

From behind, a cloaked figure-DARTH CHIN-pulls back his hood to reveal-the former Supreme Cameo Vallium.

VALIUM: My dear boy, this must be a real tragedy for you. Join me, and you will have power beyond your wildest dreams!

MANAKIN: You sent that Sift Lord to kill Li-Gon!

VALIUM: Bludgeon was Palpy's apprentice, not mine. He just let me borrow him for a while since I didn't have one, ever since my old apprentice went and became a familiar Jedi, and took on an apprentice of his own.

MANAKIN: And who were these?

VALIUM: George Lucas and his apprentice Dave Filoni.

GL: Hey, this is my movie, so why are you killing off all the characters, study?

study3600: My bad.

He keeps writing.

SC 50 EXT. SPACE - THE ASTEROID CHASE

The Amistad I is in hot pursuit of OB-EWAN'S Jedi Starfighter.

BUBBA FETT: Get'em Dad, FIRE!

MANGO: FIRE?! WHERE IS IT?! (bends down to search for it.)

BUBBA takes the controls. He fires and nearly hits OB-EWAN's ship, which escapes.

BUBBA: Blast! This is why I hate blasting!

MANGO: Hey, there's no fire! You tricked me! Wait! You were going to blast this guy into oblivion without me?! I'm so proud of you son! You went over my helmet. That takes guts! (Gives BUBBA a big hug.)

BUBBA: Uh, dad?

MANGO: Hm?

BUBBA: GET HIM!

SC 51 EXT. SPACE

OB-EWAN's ship tumbles and rolls, and tumbles from another near miss.

SC 52 INT. JEDI STARFIGHTER-COCKPIT

OB-EWAN: Oh blast! This is- oh, nevermind. Uh oh, I'm picking up a missile on my SONAR.

F-14: Do you always talk to yourself?

OB-EWAN: Only when I'm willing to listen.

SC 53 EXT. SPACE

The missile, a projectile which you CAN dodge without going to Warp factor Two, chases OB-EWAN's tiny Star-Whacker (well it looks like one) relentlessly, despite all OB-EWAN's attempts to out-maneuver it.

OB-EWAN: I got it! It's a heat-seeking missile, right?

OB-EWAN: Right.

OB-EWAN: So if you take away the HEAT..

OB-EWAN: ..Then the missile..

OB-EWAN AND OB-EWAN TOGETHER: ..Loses us!

OB-EWAN: But how do you do that?

OB-EWAN: Well, howabout freezing the back of our ship?

OB-EWAN: How?

OB-EWAN: Well, vacuum is colder than cold, right?

OB-EWAN: Yeah...

OB-EWAN: So we'll open the engine maintenance panel and allow the vacuum to freeze our engines. Arfour can manually unscrew it and we'll be invisible to the missile. We make a sharp turn at the last second and it goes right by us.

OB-EWAN: Then we'll be engineless. How will we land on the planet?

OB-EWAN: Don't worry. I have that covered.

SC 54 EXT. SPACE

F-14 unscrews the panel. The ship makes a sharp turn, behind a large asteroid. The missile passes the starfighter and goes ahead three miles before exploding against a small asteroid,
but MANGO AND BUBBA think the missile hit the ship. AMISTAD I heads down to the planet. CLOSE-UP on ship's underbelly.
OB-EWAN's starfighter clings there, undetectable by MANGO's SONAR.

SC 55 EXT. GENESIS PLANET-DAY

MANGO's ship enters the atmosphere, and gets to within 5000 feet of the ground.

 

SC 56 INT. OB-EWAN's FIGHTER-COCKPIT

OB-EWAN: There's a huge concentration of Federation ships. The Enterprise, Defiant, Voyager, Reliant. We'd better stay clear. Detatch landing claw.

OB-EWAN: Detatching claw now. You have your moments. Not many, but you do have them.

SC 57 EXT. GENESIS PLANET

The STARFIGHTER detatches from the AMISTAD I at five hundred feet, still unnoticed, and falls to the ground with a large CLUNK. Fortunately, with the engines dead, there is no explosion. OB-EWAN comes out, battered, bruised and thankful for airbags.

OB-EWAN heads toward a large mountain, but is stopped by a group of various aliens, but not the same ones he saw on Kablingo.

ALIEN #1: Top of the morning to you, sir. We were wondering if you have happened to run into a fellow named Purp. He was an esteemed Jedi Master. He turned up missing some time ago. We don't know what he looks like, however, but you'd have recognized him had you seen him.

OB-EWAN: Sorry, haven't seen him. Howcome I went through several painstaking steps to find and land on this rock! How did you guys get here?

ALIEN #1: Thank you for your time. Good day.

The SEARCH PARTY continues on. OB-EWAN keeps walking.

 

SC 58 EXTERIOR PATOOTIE

The NuhBOO Starship descends, hovers, descends further, hovers some more, ascends a bit, hovers, and lands on a bluff. MANAKIN and PATME get out. They look down from the edge of the bluff to where the homestead is seen on the desert floor below.

PATME: Stay with the ship, Artoo.

ARTOO WHISTLES (translation: Like I'd want to go with you losers anyway!) as MANAKIN and PATME start down the trail toward the homestead.

STINKY-O is working outside the homestead. He looks up as MANAKIN and PATME arrive.

STINKY-O: Oh, hello. How might I be of service? I am, um...

MANAKIN: C-ThruMe?

STINKY-O: Oh my, oh my... my maker! Master Manakin, you've returned! But that name no longer has any meaning to me.

MANAKIN: Makes sense, I suppose...

STINKY-O: Don't ask me why, but I am now known as Stinky-O.

MANAKIN: Why?

Whack

STINKY-O: And this must be Miss Patme.

PATME: Hello, um... Stinky-O.

MANAKIN: I've come to see my mother.

STINKY-O: I think... I think... therefore I am... I am... Perhaps we'd better go indoors.

059 EXTERIOR PATOOTIE, HOMESTEAD, COURTYARD - LATE DAY

Manakin, Patme, and Stinky-O arrive in the courtyard. Stinky-O shuffles ahead.

STINKY-O: Master Klug, Master Larks! Might I present two important visitors?

O-WAN LARKS and BEROO BRITESUN come out into the courtyard.

MANAKIN: I'm Manakin Streetwalker.

O-WAN: O-Wan Larks. This is my girlfriend, Beroo.

BEROO: (looks suggestively at Manakin and licks her lips) Hello, Manakin. I'm sure you'll find it very pleasant here--

O-WAN: Shut up! Who said you were allowed to talk?

MANAKIN: (to Beroo) Shave the 'stache. Sheesh.

PATME: (glares at Manakin) I guess I'll just have to introduce myself... I'm Patme.

O-WAN: I guess I'm your stepbrother. Of course, despite that line some morons will still wonder how I could be as old as you when Shmoo didn't have me ten years ago. I had a feeling you might show up some day.

MANAKIN: Is my mother here?

KLUG: No, she's not.

KLUG LARKS swings from the house on a rickety old wheelchair, cursing at each bump. One of his legs is wrapped in duct tape; the other is missing. He balances awkwardly and puts out a hand.

KLUG: Klug Lars. Shmoo is my wife... Come on inside. We have a lot to talk about...

060 INTERIOR PATOOTIE, HOMESTEAD, KITCHEN - LATE DAY

A woman's place is in the kitchen. BEROO puts several cups of Kool-Aid on a tray.

KLUG: It was just before dawn. They came out of nowhere. A gang of juvenile delinquent Tusky Raiders.

BEROO brings the drinks in from the kitchen. Like a good wife, she is seen but not heard.

KLUG: Your mother had gone out early, like she always did, to pick magic mushrooms that grow on the vaporators.

MANAKIN: Magic mushrooms?

KLUG: Of course, they're the only valuable thing we can grow in this wasteland.

MANAKIN: Ah yes, I remember hearing my master talk about them.

KLUG: Anyway, from the tracks, she was about halfway home when they took her. Those Tuskies walk like monsters, but they're vicious, mindless men. Thirty of us went out after her. Four of us came back. I'd be with them, only... after I lost my leg I just couldn't ride any more... until I heal.

O-WAN: Like that's ever going to happen.

KLUG: I don't want to give up on her, but she's been gone a month. There's little hope she's lasted this long.

Silence. Then MANAKIN stands up.

O-WAN: Where are you going?

MANAKIN: (grimacing) To the refresher, Gonkdammit! My bladder is about to explode!... Then to find my mother.

KLUG: Your mother's dead, son, accept it.

MANAKIN: That's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!

MANAKIN turns abruptly and runs out, holding his crotch.

SC 61 EXT. PATOOTIE-HOMESTEAD-MOISTURE FARM-LATE DAY

MANAKIN stands looking across the desert. PATME comes running out of the homestead after him. MANAKIN turns to PATME.

PATME: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you...

MANAKIN: It's ok, I'm just about done peeing... *ZIP!*

PATME: I didn't know that Jedi Robes had zippers.... Anyway, I came to talk to you... We decided not to fall in love, which is why I'm going to wear as many sexy outfits around you as possible...

MANAKIN: So you're saying that there's a chance?

PATME: No... *wink, wink*

MANAKIN: Well poodoo, as soon as you said no, I went and hooked up with one of your handmaidens....Anyway, you are going to have to stay here. These are good people. Patme. Well, good enough, anyway. You'll be safe as long as you avoid any advances by O-Wan. You're obviously way more hot than Beroo and I've noticed him staring at your body evey time she wasn't looking. And Klug seems a little off his kilter. I wouldn't advise you or Beroo to be anywhere near him when he's drunk.

PATME: Manakin...

She hugs him, and he places both hands firmly on her-nevermind. MANAKIN walks to O-WAN's speeder bike, which O-Wan found parked near Mos Epson and has a D.B. monogram on the handlebars.

MANAKIN: I won't be long, and I'm just saying that to comfort you. The truth is I could be gone a very long time, and I might end up not coming back. Smell ya later.

MANAKIN leaps onto the speeder. Nothing happens.

ARTOO: Sheeble deeble do.

MANAKIN: Oh.

He turns the ignition switch. The engine fires. He takes off across the desert. PATME watches him go, shaking her head.



Last Edit: 3 hours ago by Anakin77
Love is sacrifice.

 

SC 62 EXT. GENESIS PLANET-TOWER ENTRANCE-DAWN

OB-EWAN makes his way toward a clustering tower of fantastic stalac-stalag-stalacmites (whatever). OB-EWAN sneaks up to the main one. He sneaks inside.

SC 63 INT. GENESIS-CORRIDORS-MORNING

OB-EWAN makes his way along a narrow, pillared corridor. He comes to what looks like a large open well or vent shaft. He looks down and sees a huge underground GENERAL DRONES FACTORY below.

OB-EWAN: This reminds me of the time Li-Gon took me to see the Droid Factory on Pixelated when I was a boy. Ah, memories.

He continues to walk on, then hears voices...

He darts behind a pillar as TROGGLE THE LITTLE (Archduke of Genesis), his aide SOME FAT, COUNT DOODU and NEWT RAYGUN approach, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY PASQUALLE FROM ARGENTINA and WHAT TIME. COUNT DOODU is tall, elderly and saturated with beautiful manners. OB-EWAN flattens himself against the pillar as they pass by.

DOODU: Now, we must persuade the Commercial Guilds and the Corporation Alliance to sign the treaty.

RAYGUN: What about the Senator from nuhBOO?

DOODU: Which one, Velcro?

RAYGUN: The female. Is she dead yet? I'm not signing your treaty until she is dead.

DOODU: Oh, come, now. That was ten years ago. Can't you get over that? Personally I'd like to see Jab-Jab Rinks die the death.

They move out of earshot. OB-EWAN watches them go and moves up a flight of stairs. He arrives at a narrow gothic archway, and looks down through it.

 

SC 64 INT GENESIS PLANET -BUG MOUND-CONFERENCE ROOM-DAY

TROGGLE THE LESSER and his TWO AIDES are at one end of a large round conference table. COUNT DOODU is at the head of the table. MANGO FETT stands behind his chair. Around the table are NEWT RAYGUN, RUIN HAAKO, CHIEN PO, TESLA, BUCKTOOTH TORA, and a COMMERCE GUILD DIGNITARY, SHOE HORN, WHAT TIME, SAM HILL, PASQUALLE FROM ARGENTINA, and THANOS.

DOODU: As I explained to you earlier, I am quite convinced that 10,000 more systems shall rally to our cause withv your support, gentlemen.

WHAT TIME: What you are proposing could be construed as treason.

SAM HILL (Presses two buttons on his person and toast pops out of the top of his head):The toast is done. The Techno Union Army is at your disposal, Count.

SHOE HORN: The Rich Greedy Fat Cat Bankers Clan will sign your treaty.

DOODU: Good, very good. Our friends from the Trade Federation have pledged their support, and when their Tinker Drones are combined with the Tinker Drones of the Genesins, we shall have an army greater than any in the Galaxy! The Jedi will be overwhelmed. The Republic will agree to ANY demands we make. Can I have a piece of that toast, Sam?

SAM HILL: Sure, do you like jam?

DOODU: Why, yes I do!

A chest compartment opens on SAM HILL and we see a familiar food.

SAM HILL: Do you like green eggs and ham?

DOODU: I'll try them later.

SC 65 EXT. TUSKY RAIDERS CAMP SITE - NIGHT

HIS SEARCHES ENDS WITH HIM FINDING THE TUSKY RAIDERS CAMP WHERE THE JUVENILE DELINQUENTS ARE CAMPING OUT. HE LOOKS AROUND TO SEE A SMALL CROWD DANCING AROUND A BONFIRE IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD RITUAL. HE SNEAKS AROUND THE CAMP SEEING OTHER WEIRD SIGHTS. MEN PLAYING WITH ALIEN DOGS. LITTLE TUSKY RAIDERS PRACTICING THEIR TORTURE TECHNIQUES ON OTHER ANIMALS. HE SOON COMES ACROSS A HUT AND USES HIS BRIGHTSABRE TO BURN A HOLE IN THE WALL AND STEPS IN. HE SEES A SIGHT THAT WILL HAUNT HIM FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS.

66 INT. TUSKY RAIDERS' HUT - NIGHT

MANAKIN ( Whispering to himself ) : what the hell....

IN THE HUT IS HIS MOTHER... WEARING VICTORIA SECRET UNDERWEAR AND LAYING SEDUCTIVELY IN A LARGE BED POSING FOR PICTURES THAT ARE BEING TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER NAMED HANS GRUBER WHO SPEAKS IN A CHEESY EURO TRASH ACCENT.

HANS GRUBER ( Taking the pictures with laughter in his voice ) : Oh, yes ! Shmoo ! yes ! give me more, Shmoo ! Yes ! , baby ! Oh, yes ! You are so hot, ya ?. Face me, you sexy thing...turn around..yes,..yes..like that. Take the apple...take a bite... lots of fruits, yessss ! I can hardly contain myself, you are so sexy... more like an animal...yes ! you are an animal, Shmoo ! roar for me, baby ! Don't take the apple out your mouth...not just yet! I love my job ! yes, yessss !

MANAKIN ( Yelling out ): What the hell... MOM !

MANAKIN'S SUDDEN OUTBURST STOPS THE SESSION AS SHMOO TURNS WITH A GASP AND HANS LOOKS FROM HIS CAMERA TO SEE WHO THE VOICE BELONGS TO.

HANS ( looking at Shmoo ) : Who is this, Shmoo ? Don't he know we are in the middle of a session, ya ?

SHMOO ( Looking painfully embarrassed trying to cover up what little she has on ) : Uhhhhhh, Hans..this young man here is...uhhhh, my agent, yeah , my agent who..uhhhhh, just got back into town...

HANS: Why would your agent call you 'Mom' ?

SHMOO : You know kids these days...always looking for a mother figure, hehehe. Uhhhh, Hans...let me have a few words with him, okay.

HANS ( with a wide grin on his face ): Okaaay...we will take five... this will give me time to go and put in a new roll of film, ya ?

THE PHOTOGRAPHER LEAVES THE HUT AS MANAKIN WALKS OVER TO HIS MOTHER, WHO IS PUTTING ON HER ROBE.

SHMOO ( Pissed off ) : What the hell are you doing here ?!

MANAKIN ( Looking distressed ) : I was having bad dreams that something has happened to you..and..and..I decided to come and seek you out !

Whack

SHMOO : Your dumb a** was supposed to come back here and free me from slavery ! All of a sudden, you just thinking about this now ?!

MANAKIN ( Rubbing his head in pain ) : I was...busy.

SHMOO ( Wide eyed ) : Ohhhh...Too busy to come and free the person who carried you around for nine months, went through twelve hours of labor to spit all eight pounds and six ounces of you out of me...not to mention the fact of raising you, feeding you, taking care of you when you're sick. Putting you through slavery school and worrying about you with the slave masters walking around the compound. Making sure that you grow up to be some sort of credit to our race and a decent citizen at that, and...

MANAKIN ( Cutting her off and stretching out his arms with a smile )...and, here I am.

SHMOO ( hands over her face ) : Oh, God ! I failed miserably...where did I go wrong ?!

MANAKIN : Whatever. Anyway, Platto said that you was freed and that you gotten married. I met my stepfather...he said that you was a loving housewife.

SHMOO : Correction. I was a bored housewife. I mean lets face it. I was stuck with a dead end job. Platto was not fulfilling my needs...

MANAKIN ( Frowning ): Platto...wasn't fulfilling...

SHMOO ( Cutting him off ) : It's a long story..forget it. Anyway, being a slave was becoming such a drag. Then I was freed and I met Klug Larks. I thought that I would finally be getting some real action. Nope ! not over there...one round...and hes out for the night !

MANAKIN ( Still frowning ) : One...round...?

SCHMOO (scrutinizes him): You're not entirely virginal. You figure it out. Anyway, then I got this modeling gig with Hans, and oh boy he gives me EXACTLY what I need!

Manakin flies into a rage and goes out and slices Hans Gruber, who is smoking a cigarette as he loads his camera, in half, then slaughters all the Tusky Raiders in the camp. Then he comes back in to the hut and find his mother has died from heat exhaustion.

MANAKIN:AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SC 67 INT. THE BIG CITY-WIDE PLANETUSCANT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-GAMEROOM-NIGHT

YOGA, on his floating platform, and MACE WINDY are busily engaged in a game of Foozball.

MACE: If you make ONE MORE Force-assisted goalie shot, I swear-

Suddenly Yoga's hand goes to his temple and a look of concern crosses his face.

YOGA: Young Streetwalker has done something awful. I feel pain, death. Young Streetwalker is in terrible pain.

MACE: Welcome to the Dark Side, young Manakin.

 

SC 68 EXT GENESIS- DAY

OB-EWAN: My long-range transmitter is knocked out. F-14, try boosting the signal.

F-14: Sc*** you.

OB-EWAN: Ok, I'll have to try something else. F-14, *please* locate Manakin on NuhBOO.....that's Manakin's tracking signal alright, but it's coming from Patootie. What in holy hell is he doing there? Well, I'll have to improvise. MANAKIN, retransmit THIS message to Corkycan. The Corporation Alliance, The Trade Federation, the Commercial Guilds and Thanos are making a treaty with Count Doodu and are planning to-(Suddenly a buch of Trycycle Droids overwhelm him.) OH ****! HELP! HELP SAVE ME! FORGET ABOUT THE GO***** SENATOR AND GET YOUR A** OVER HERE! THAT IS AN ORDER!

MANGO FETT: Don't move, Jedi.

SC 69 EXT. PATOOTIE-DAY

A funeral Procession of Java Sandcrawlers and various speeders and podracers of all sorts, each bearing a yellow flag, escorts MANAKIN STREETWALKER who is driving the STRETCHED HEARSE SPEEDER with his mother's dead body in it, wrapped in cloth covering from head to toe. He delivers the body to the LARKS homestead.

 

SC 70 INT. FAMILIAR GARAGE FROM ANH-DAY

Manakin is fixing something. Patme comes in with a tray of that familiar blue milk from ANH.

MANAKIN: The shifter broke. Life's so much easier when your fixing things....and ogling hot chicks and reading GALACTIC PLAYBOY and getting some-

PATME: I get the picture.

MANAKIN: Oh. I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't save her! Ob-Ewan is holing me back! I'm torn in pieces! The sky is falling! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!

PATME: You're not all powerful. That ever occur to you? Just because you can use the Force and wield a brightsabre, it doesn't mean you're all that and a bag of chips! You're human. You make mistakes. You're not omnipotent.

MANAKIN:Well I should be! That way I could play God and stop people from dying!

PATME: Okaaaay, you're starting to scare me...

MANAKIN: In fact, I should be God so no one ever dies again!

WHACK

Patme smacks him across the face, then quivers with fear.

PATME: Manakin, STOP IT!! You don't know what you're saying!

Manakin snaps out of it.

MANAKIN: Oh yeah, and I killed a bunch of Sandpoopies and some annoying German photographer.

PATME: Well, who cares about a bunch of lowlife Sandpoopies anyway. They're like mosquitos, only smellier. Would you be condemned for wiping out the West Nile Virus?

MANAKIN: Yeah, you're right. You know, you're pretty insensitive flor a senator.

PATME: Only to inferiors.


SC 71 EXT. PATOOTIE MOISTURE FARM- STILL DAY (OBVIOUSLY)

O-WAN, BEROO, KLUGG, PATME, MANAKIN, STINKY-O and a CATHOLIC PRIEST are assembled at the grave of SHMOO STREETWALKER (They sure buried her in a hurry!)

PRIEST( reading from Bible): .......And surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen. Now if anyone has any words they would like to say of the dearly departed, please come to the podium.

KLUGG: She was good. Honest. Loving. And good in bed, I mean man she was HOT! I wish I had her in my arms RIGHT NOW! If I was with her I'd [*CENSORED*]

PRIEST: Sit down, brother.

KLUGG: I'm noot yoour brooother! Youuu sit doown.(Takes a big swig from a bottle of whiskey.)

Manakin walks up to the grave and picks up a handful of dirt, though we never see him throw it onto the grave, as per tradition...

MANAKIN: I wasn't strong enough to save you, Mom. But I swear, next time......

PATME: What do you mean 'next time'..? She's already dead.

Manakin doesn't hear her

Suddenly, Artoo comes up and beeps at Stinky-O

STINKY-O: Secret mission? What plans? We'll have no more of this Ob-Ewan McNobi gibberish. (To Manakin) Master Manakin, Artoo says he's carrying a message from an Ob-Ewan McNobi. Frankly, I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Antilles. But with all we've been through, this Artoo unit has picked up a slight flutter.

SC 72 INT. SOMETHING SOMETHING NUBIAN NUHBOO STARSHIP

MANAKIN and PATME are watching a hologram of OB-EWAN.

OB-EWAN: Re-transmit this message to Corkycannot..

Manakin does

OB-EWAN(CONT'D): The Corporation Alliance, the Trade Federation, and the Commercial Guilds , and Thanos are making a treaty with Count Doodu and are planning to.... wait (draws his saber, deflects several blaster bolts. A destroyer droid moves into the hologram.) OH ****! HELP! HELP SAVE ME! FORGET ABOUT THE GO***** SENATOR AND GET YOUR A** OVER HERE! THAT IS AN ORDER! (The transmission fades.)

SC 73 INT. CORY'S AUNT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-DAY

YOGA AND MACE WINDY WATCH THE TRANSMISSION OF OB-EWAN

YOGA (looks at Mace): More going on on Genesis Planet, I feel, than what ahs been said.

WINDY: I'm ready to go there and kick some droid a**!

SC 74 INT -CORKSCREWBANT-PALPITAINE'S OFFICE-DAY

ASK AAK, Baily Smits, MAMMAMIA, PALPITATINE and JAB JAB RINKS watch the holo of OB-EWAN McNOBI getting his bu** handed to him by the Tricycle Droids.

ASK AAK: The debate is over.

BAILY: Who asked you? The treaty forbids Germany from building up an army. What are they doing?

ASK AAK: You mean the Trade Federation. And wrong treaty.

BAILY: The Commercial Guilds are preparing for war, there can be no doubt about that.

ASK AAK: I'm more worried about Thanos.

PALPITATINE: Don't worry, he doesn't have all the Infinity Stones in his Gauntlet yet.

BAILY: How would you know?

Crickets chirping.

BAILY (CONT'D):Anyway, the Senate will never approve the use of a clone army.

MAMMAMIA: This is a crisis. If the Senate votes the Cameo Emergency Powers, he could approve the use of the army.

PALPITATINE: But who would propose such a radical Amendment? (Looks at Jab-Jab). If only Senator Ahmedalla were here....

SC 75 INT. THE QUEEN'S ROYAL STARSHIP-PATOOTIE-DAY

MANAKIN(crossing his arms): I'm not going.

PATME: Can't you see he's in trouble?

MANAKIN: He got himself into that mess and he can get himself out.

PATME: Will you get your head out of your a** and see what's real Mani? Ob-Ewan is about to die! I'm going to him. If you want to protect me, then you'll just have to come along.

MANAKIN: Whatever.

PATME: This isn't about the bedchamber thing again, is it? For the umpteenth time, it was strictly above-board. No shenanigans were had! Alright?!

MANAKIN: Ok, let's go rescue your boyfriend.

PATME: MANI!

MANAKIN: (Smiles) It's alright baby. (Looks deep into her eyes) It's alright.

The ship takes off, rocking slightly.

SC 76 INT. CAPITOL HILLUSCANT- MAIN SENATE CHAMBER-DAY

The NuhBOO senate box has the floor.

JAB JAB RINKS: Senators. Dellow Felegates. Itsa clear dat dissa hissa Big Bad Federation boyos have made a pact with dese here Seperatists.

Mesa propose that the senate grant emergency powas to the Supreme Cameo.

ALL SENATORS: What the hell did you just say?!!

JAB JAB: All mesa sayin is dat da Cameo needs more powa den what he's got!

CORELLIAN SENATOR: What is a 'Dellow Felegate'?

JAB JAB: Oh. Mesa sorry. 'Fellow Delegates'.

There is an uproar in the crowd.

MAMMAMIA: ORDER! WE SHALL HAVE ORDER!

PALPITATINE: It is with great reluctance that I agree to this calling.

VOICE FROM CROWD: But we didn't vote! How can you-(starts choking) Gak! Ak! (He collapses)

PALPITATINE(CONT'D): I love democracy....I love the Republic. The fact that this crisis is demanding I be given absolute power to rule over you is evident (borrowed that line from outdated script).
But I am mild by nature and have no interest whatsoever in becoming, like, an emperor or anything like that. The power you give me I will lay down once this crisis has abated. (To self) Not bloody likely.

The phrase "Not bloody likely" echoes throughout the chamber and Palpitatine realizes he muttered directly into his mike.

PALPITATINE(waves his hand): I didn't say that.

EVERYONE: I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

PALPITATINE: As my first act, I will create a grand army for the republic.

Up above, MACE WINDY speaks with YOGA

WINDY: It is done, then.

YOGA: Visit, I will, these cloners on
Kablingo.

Below, JAB JAB is standing in the NuhBOO senate box
being annoying by just *being* there.

PALPITATINE: Hey, GL, isn't this JAB JAB's last scene in the entire saga?

GL: Well, yeah....

An evil grin slowly creeps onto PALP'S face

PALPITATINE: You don't know how long every true SW fan has been waiting for this...

The sound of a whole chamber full of blaster cocking can be heard.

JAB JAB(nervous and sweating):Ummm....Mesa plead the third!

PALPITATINE: Wrong amendment, moron! Besides, you just granted me emergency powers! I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your slimy, annoying, brainless Glub Glub a** out of here...One.....two.....

Unintelligible screaming from JAB JAB

PALPITATINE(CONT'D): threefourfivesixseveneight-oh sc*** it-FIRE AT WILL!!

Everyone in chamber with a gun fires at JAB JAB. He explodes rather spectacularly. Pieces of JAB JAB rain down like confetti and Queen's "We Are the Champions" blares over the P.A. Everyone applauds and cheers. Some whistle.

Then everyone falls down and worships PALPITATINE.

PALPITATINE: Not yet, not yet. Wait 'til Order 66. Heh, heh.

No one has the vaguest idea what 'Order 66' is. Not that they care. Palpitatine is their god.

SC 77 INT. GENESIS PLANET- HOLDING CELL - DAY

Count Doodu enters. Ob-Ewan is bathed in a blue aura that also surrounds his hands and feet, suspending him in mid-air.

DOODU: What's with the blue? You're not dead yet, pal.

OB-EWAN: Traitor.

DOODU: Oh no, my friend. This is a mistake. A terrible mistake. They've gone too far this time. This is madness.

OB-EWAN: Put a little more enthusiasm in your voice. Maybe then I'll believe you.

DOODU (in a very Han-like voice):
It wasn't my fault! Still, I'll tell you that I'll petition to get you out of here, even though the audience knows that I'm obviously the bad guy.

OB-EWAN: Well, I hope it doesn't take too long. I have excessively flashy brightsabre moves to do.

He suddenly begins somersaulting in the air.

OB-EWAN: What the hell?

A PLEASANT MECHANICAL VOICE comes on over the Genesis PA.

PMV: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please be patient while we repair the ride. Remember to keep all arms, legs and tentacles inside the blue field at all times. Thank you, and enjoy your imprisonment.

Doodo, snickering, flips a switch, and Ob-Ewan stops spinning.

DOODU: Tell me why you're here, or I flip the switch.

OB-EWAN: I'm following a bounty hunter called Mango Fett. Do you know him?

Doodu starts circling Ob-Ewan, hoping to distract the Jedi Knight by making him sick with dizziness.

DOODU: The Genesis bugs don't trust bounty hunters.

OB-EWAN: That's not what I asked. Do you know him?

DOODU: Do you know the Muffin Man?

OB-EWAN: No.

DOODO: Dammit! Neither do I. Oh well. (waves hand) I don't know Mango Fett.

OB-EWAN: That doesn't work on me, even in my dizzy state.

DOODU: Oh yeah?

Whack

OB-EWAN: Hey!

Whack Whack

OB-EWAN: You don't know Mango Fett!

DOODO: I knew Li-Gon trained you well.

OB-EWAN: What are you talking about?

DOODU: Where do you think he learned how to whack people when they're being stupid?

Whack

DOODU: That's for not remembering that Li-Gon was once my apprentice, just as you were once his. If only you had been able to help him finish off my predecessor--I mean, that Sith, then he wouldn't have died.

He completes his circle around Ob-Ewan, whose head has twisted around completely from trying to watch Doodu.

Whack

Ob-Ewan's head spins around back to normal.

OB-EWAN Thanks.

DOODU: No problem. Yeah, so too bad Li-Gon's one with the Force and all. I could use his help now.

OB-EWAN: Li-Gon Jinn-and-Tonic would never join you.

Whack

DOODU: Shut up. Nobody asked you. Anyway, he would never have gone along with the corruption in the Senate if he'd known the truth.

OB-EWAN: The truth? I want the truth!

DOODU: You can't handle the truth! You know why? Because you're not as good-looking as Tom Cruise in a Navy uniform!

OB-EWAN: Try me.

DOODU: Did you know there's a big bad Sith Lord named Darth Chin controlling the Senate?

OB-EWAN: No! That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!

DOODU: Told you, didn't I? You can't handle the truth.

OB-EWAN: But the Jedi would know about this.

DOODU: The Dark Side clouds their judgment, my friend. The Jedi are led by a Muppet who's almost 900 years old. Palpy--uh, I mean, Darth Chin can kick his green bu** any day. Anyway, Nute Raygun was allied with Chin but got screwed over, so he came to me.

OB-EWAN: Why are telling me stuff that everyone already knows?

DOODU: So we can throw in a few twists and surprises. You know, move the plot along.

OB-EWAN: What plot? I thought this was movie was just about me getting medieval on everyone.

Doodu puts his hand on the switch.

DOODU: Are you in or are you out?

The Bearded One, George Lucas himself, holds up a cue card.

GL(whispering): Pssst! Your line is, "I will never join--"

OB-EWAN: I know what my line is!!

GL: Sorry. I just thought you might have been too dizzy to remember your line. And come on, that plot joke was in poor taste. Remember, I think visually, not by story.

OB-EWAN:
Neither LI-GON JINN'N TONIC nor I would ever join you.

DOODU: It may be difficult to secure your release.

Walks out.

OB-EWAN: (Blows raspberry).

SC 78 EXT. SPACE

On the way to GENESIS PLANET, Patme and Manakin stop for lunch at an Intergalactic McDonald's. They dock their something something Nubian ship with the airlock adjoined to the speaker, pay window, and pickup window.

MANAKIN(to PATME): Tell them I want two double cheeseburgers, a six-piece Mcnugget, and a large fry.

SPEAKER(V.O.): One minute.

Five minutes go by

PATME: Ma'am? Hello?

SPEAKER: One minute.

MANAKIN(to PATME): I bet she's trying to piss you off.

PATME: Don't say that! She'll hear you!

MANAKIN: I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear me.

SPEAKER: May I take your order?

MANAKIN: I TOLD HER THAT-

Whack

He shuts up

PATME: I want two double cheeseburgers, a six-piece chicken Mcnugget and two large fries.

MANAKIN(leaning towards speaker): And a large Cooke. No ice.

SPEAKER: And a large Cooke, no ice?

PATME: Yeah.

SPEAKER: That'll be 9 Republic credits.

They fly up to the pay window.

MCDONALD'S GIRL: Sorry, there was a problem with the computer.

MANAKIN: It was the Millennium Bug!

McDonald's girl ignores him

They pay, fly up to the pickup window, get their food and fly away.

PATME(Handing Manakin the bag): Just get my stuff out of there.

Manakin gives her her fries

PATME: And my Mcnuggets.

MANAKIN: All you got were fries!

PATME(genuinely shocked): What? I got those nuggets for me! You said you wanted two double cheeseburgers!

MANAKIN: I also said I wanted a 6-piece Mcnugget! Remember?

PATME: I didn't hear you say that part.

MANAKIN: I said it just as clearly as I said I wanted the cheeseburgers!

PATME: You have to share!

MANAKIN: Fine! You get three of my nuggets and I get three.

PATME: Then I get one of your cheeseburgers.

MANAKIN: What? Are you going to take more food from me than you already did? We split the nuggets and that's final!

They keep arguing until Manakin says:

MANAKIN: Okay, you get one of the cheeseburgers. I get the Mcnuggets.

PATME: Fair enough.

They eat as the ship continues heading for GENESIS

SC 79 INT. study3600's CURRENT LOCATION-DAY

STUDY sits at his computer wondering if anyone but Dally and Miana Kenobi, neither of whom contribute, gives a damn about this thread. He wonders if anyone even reads it.

He is sad because the Humorous Versions are so great
but perhaps people just stopped caring back in 2002 right in the middle of the production of two of them.

study: If only Purp were here...

A blue ghost appears beside him

GHOST OF PURP: Hey, if all else fails, do what I, Vac and RIKKAN did in ESB.

study: You mean go it alone? Write the rest of this by myself? I couldn't.

GHOST OF PURP: Sure you could. You're funny enough. Maybe, just maybe, people will read it and be interested in contributing to Revenge of the Sith Humorous Version later.

STUDY: Yeah, everyone will have their own ideas for parodying that. It'll be real popular, I bet. It may even bring you and Vac back. But,....I must let people know that even though I am writing, they can still feel free to add on. I REALLY don't want to hog this thread.

GHOST OF PURP: You must do what you feel is right, of course. (disappears)

With new confidence, study begins pecking out the next scene in the movie........

 

SC 80 EXT. SPACE

The something something Nubian heads towards the rings of Genesis planet

SC 81 EXT. GENESIS PLANET-DAY

MANAKIN pilots the ship close to the ground, weaving around towering rock formations.

PATME: See those columns of steam straight ahead? They're exhaust vents of some type.

MANAKIN: How do you know they're not natural phenomenon?

PATME: The script.

Manakin flies into the column of steam, which carries the ship to the top of it. The ship spins out of control.

PATME: I DIDN'T SAY FLY INTO IT YOU MORON!

They crash land on the surface

As they prepare to leave the ship Patme turns to Manakin

PATME: Let me do the talking, okay. The last thing we need is you killing everyone in there with your brightsaber. As a member of the Senate, perhaps I can find a diplomatic solution.

MANAKIN: I'd argue with you, but I've got better things to do.

PATME: Like what? (Their eyes meet.) Oh, you animal, you never get enough, do you?

A half hour later MANAKIN and PATME come out of the ship, Patme rebuttoning her shirt, Manakin zipping up his fly. They begin to look around.

SC 82 INT. COCKPIT-SOMETHING SOMETHING NUBIAN-DAY

ARTOO: *whistle* beep prattle

STINKY-O: My obtuse little friend, if they'd needed our help they'd have asked for it, mm? You have a great deal to learn about human behavior.

ARTOO: What? Help them? I'm the little droid who could that gets no appreciation around here. They can rot in Hell.

STINKY-O: You can talk?

ARTOO: Hell, I always could. But when I beep and make baby sounds, no one can understand me and I can say whatever I want behind their backs. Very convenient.

STINKY-O: What were you saying then? I can usually understand your beeps.

ARTOO: I said I hope they never come back. Good riddance.

STINKY-O: Come to think of it, I don't want to be left here alone. What if they don't come back?

ARTOO: Gee, I never thought of that. Let's go!

 

SC 83 INT. GENESIS- CORRIDORS-DAY

Manakin and Patme walk down a well-lit corridor, filled with GENESINS, who are having a coffee break . They look like overgrown cockroaches with wings.

ONE GENESIN(to another): Boy am I tired of this dead-end factory job. (Turns to see Manakin and Patme) Are you bounty hunters?

MANAKIN: Uh...yeah, that's right. We're bounty hunters. There's a big bounty on Ob-Ewan McNobi...

GENESIN: We don't trust bounty hunters, even though there's one here right now as a guest of-Oops. No one's supposed to know he's here.

PATME: Who?

Whack

GENESIN: I just told you, fool, it's a secret!

PATME: Sorry.

MANAKIN(suddenly igniting his brightsaber): How DARE you strike the Senator from NuhBOO!

GENESIN: I thought you were bounty hunters.

MANAKIN: We are.

PATME: Yeah...uh, bounty hunter by day, senator by night.

GENESIN(turning to Manakin): But you are a Jedi!

MANAKIN(thinking fast): Uh..perhaps I killed a Jedi and took it from him.

GENESIN: No one can kill a Jedi without force powers, except GENERAL GREEDY and the YUBYUB PONG.

MANAKIN: I, uh...used to be a Jedi...yeah that's it.

GENESIN(not buying it for a second): You're here to rescue Ob-Ewan, aren't you?

MANAKIN: What makes you think that?

GENESIN(doing a perfect imitation of Manakin's voice): Uh...yeah, that's right. We're bounty hunters. There's a big bounty on Ob-Ewan McNobi...

MANAKIN: Give him to me for 30,000 Republic Dactaries.

GENESIN: Ha!

MANAKIN: Okay, 50 thou, and Patme strips.

Whack

PATME: Very funny, Mani.

P.A.(V.O.): Break's over! Back to work!

MANGO FETT comes in, blaster drawn

FETT: Don't move Jedi!

GL: Uh, study, with this turn of events, WHERE THE HELL IS MY FACTORY SCENE?

STUDY: Oh, right.

Suddenly, Manakin and Patme are in front of a blue screen, which is replaced by the Titanic sinking. For some reason, Manakin and Patme end up in the freezing water, Patme on a piece of wood.

PATME: Somehow, I have the uncontrollable urge to say, "Jack, I'll never let go."

GL: That's it! First you JCers wreck my movies, now you won't show my factory-

study: Fine. If it'll shut you up....

They are against blue screen once more, which is replaced by a large TINKER DRONE factory. Manakin and Patme fall onto a conveyor belt.

Genesins attack Manakin left and right as he kills them one by one with his brightsaber.

Patme runs through a stamping machine, then wrestles a Genesin, and falls into a giant pot.

UP ABOVE STINKY-O and ARTOO stop at the small walkway.

STINKY-O: Machines making machines...now that's just stupid.

ARTOO: Outta my way! (He pushes STINKY-O over the edge.)

ARTOO ignites his heretofore unknown retro-rockets and flies off. He sees that moulten steel is about to be poured upon PATME.

ARTOO: Sc*** her! (he keeps flying.)

Meanwhile STINKY-O has gotten all his body parts grafted onto TINKER DRONES

STINKY-O'S HEAD: Oh, how typical.

MANAKIN keeps slaughtering Genesins like animals. He hates them. Then his saber hand is welded onto the conveyor belt. Somehow he gets it free but his saber is demolished.

MANAKIN: Damn!

Then MANAKIN sees PATME in danger and goes to the controls to stop the steel pouring machine. Then a GENESIN pushes him in with her, and the pot falls to the ground. They roll out. They are surrounded by tricycle droids and MANGO FETT.

MANGO: Don't move, Jedi!

 

oops scene out of order

 

i dont know how so many conference room scenes got repeated

 

i dont know how so many conference room scenes got repeated

 

i dont know how so many conference room scenes got repeated

 

i dont know how so many conference room scenes got repeated
Story continues next page.